The Needs of the Few

Clutch Player

2008-02-06T12:15:00.000-05:00

Evil Spock hopes you were paying attention to the wide world of sports over the weekend. There was a game going on that Evil Spock wasn't sure was being televised. Americans have an insatiable appetite for the fine arts, therefore sports usually takes an undeserved backseat as a form of entertainment here in the States. For example, you can hardly catch a good sporting event on your local PBS affiliate.

The game Evil Spock was talking about was fantastic. It was your classic David versus Goliath, but this time David won! There was so much drama and excitement, Evil Spock could barely contain Evil Spock's self. Evil Spock won't forget that special moment; the one big play that snatched victory from the jaws of imminent victory.

That play being of course Evil Spock catching for what will be forever known as "The Pass", and hitting a three on Evil Spock's first shot of the basketball match.

Many people (mostly Evil Spock) are still talking about all the controversies surrounding last Sunday's pickup game. Like how someone was mysteriously (some say miraculously) injured to allow Evil Spock to play. It was as if a magical, invisible Jeff Gillooly had taken a lead pipe to said player's leg just for Evil Spock to participate. Or how Evil Spock's foot was on the line when Evil Spock let his shot sail (poppycock!) Or the blown layup a couple of plays later that Evil Spock could've sworn that Evil Spock was fouled on. Nonetheless, Evil Spock was victorious, and as the saying goes, "it doesn't matter who wins or loses, as long as Evil Spock wins".

Basketball, along with online Scrabble and Guitar Hero, has been keeping Evil Spock busy while Evil Spock had been away from The Few. You see, Evil Spock was burned out from writing. Evil Spock had become so web-famous, that Evil Spock felt the weight of the worlds (Evil Spock is talking about Jupiter and Saturn, not that wussy "pseudo-planet" Pluto) on Evil Spock's broad shoulders. The pressure with keeping up with the accolades had become too much, so the words dried up, and all Evil Spock had to offer were clever one-liners and jokes about the Irish as opposed to well-though out, award-winning blogs.

Sometimes you can become so web-famous, that you end up being real-life famous. Like so famous that when Evil Spock gets a cup of coffee at Evil Spock's favorite coffee place, the barista smiles and says hi to you. Or how Evil Spock's in a grocery store, and they give Evil Spock the choice of paper or plastic! Evil Spock imagines this is how a Madonna or Brangelina refugee baby feels like!

It was all fun and games for awhile, and then all of sudden, there was Interweb Celebrity. Evil Spock didn't want this dubious "honor", and it became more of a hindrance than a benefit. Because of the blog, the spectre of Interweb Celebrity hounded Evil Spock on a daily basis.

Just like Visa, Interweb Celebrity was everywhere Evil Spock wanted to be. When Evil Spock went to work, Interweb Celebrity was there. When Evil Spock went to a a restaurant, Interweb Celebrity was there. When Evil Spock would go to the gym, Interweb Celebrity was there shouting slogans at Evil Spock whilst working out. Even when Evil Spock was in the bathroom, Interweb Celebrity was there, and curiously shouting the same slogans at Evil Spock from the gym. So weird.

The problem with Interweb Celebrity, is that Interweb Celebrity is fickle. Once Evil Spock stopped writing, Interweb Celebrity still haunted Evil Spock. Haunted Evil Spock so much, that Evil Spock couldn't even look at the blog without feeling guilty. Then the guilt started building and building, until Interweb Celebrity stabbed Evil Spock with a Proverbial knife between the shoulder blades.

Luckily, Evil Spock survived the stabbing, and Interweb Celebrity (AKA Miguel Sánchez, AKA Dr. Nguyen Van Falk) has been caught and now is behind bars. They still haven't found the assault weapon (Interweb Celebrity's knife, Proverbial) but Evil Spock is confident that it'll be recovered.

Evil Spock fears Interweb Celebrity (AKA Miguel Sánchez, AKA Dr. Nguyen Van Falk) no more.

Now that Interweb Celebrity is in a secret gulag, Evil Spock feels safe enough to come back to The Few and write again. With Evil Spock's return, there have been a few bumps along the way. Like how there are so many new people linking Evil Spock these days. If you've linked Evil Spock, and Evil Spock hasn't returned the favor please tell Evil Spock. Also during Evil Spock's absence, a few things didn't get done that were done last year. Namely The State of The Few and Superfan for 2007.

Evil Spock can take care of The State of The Few pretty quickly in this blog entry: Evil Spock wrote a lot of blog articles, stopped writing, and is now writing again. Unfortunately Superfan can't be as easily dealt with.

Evil Spock has a lot of apprehension about Superfan. Last year, it made a few bloggers more famouser, and Evil Spock believes they've had to deal with the curse of their own personal Miguel Sánchez. For those who are skeptical, just look at 2006's Superfans: two have stopped writing completely, and one is so bitter you could taste it. The only one who apparently came off unscathed (and who also happened to be the winner of Superfan 2006), became Ensign Redshirt, and now he has to deal with his own personal hell as Evil Spock's writer monkey.

Regardless, Evil Spock feels traditions are important, so Evil Spock is going to have another Superfan contest for 2007. Evil Spock will choose four long-time readers to write a paragraph on their favorite blog entry for the year of 2007 by Evil Spock. There will then be an election to see who is the biggest Superfan of them all for the year. Winner of Superfan will have The Needs of the Few for one day to espouse anything they want, and will also get a signed copy of a local newspaper that featured Evil Spock playing Guitar Hero III and looking like a general dork.

Evil Spock can only choose 4 candidates, so if you are interested, please say so in the comments section, or send an email to askevilspock@gmail.com Please use 2006 Superfan as a reference to see if you have the steely resolve to become Evil Spock's biggest ~~stalker~~ Superfan. Evil Spock will try to contact you via email to tell you if you qualified.

Evil Spock out!

Evil Spockolypse . . . Now!

2008-02-01T11:45:00.000-05:00

Evil Spock is so upset. The weather barons had predicted a major winter storm for Bloomington, IN, or otherwise known as Evil Spock's Domicile of Devilish and Devious Doom (aka Tree City, USA.) Bloomington is usually woefully unprepared for hazardous winter conditions, so the city pretty much shuts down when there is any serious accumulation of snow and/or ice. This also means Evil Spock doesn't have to go to Evil Spock's day-job-of-do-goodery, since Evil Spock's work is closed during inclement weather.

Since Evil Spock was expecting a snow day, Evil Spock stayed up until 2:30AM, drinking whiskey and watching movies on IFC. Evil Spock reveled in the fact that Evil Spock would be able to sleep in, make pancakes, and do evil deeds all day on Friday.

Unfortunately, the snow never came, and now Evil Spock is at work and is dead-tired. Evil Spock wishes Evil Spock could control the weather like the People's Republic of China, or at the very least round up the Weather Channel people and "reeducate" them like the Chinese government. Evil Spock usually doesn't support torture, but Evil Spock is willing to make an exception in this case.

Anyway, its probably good that Evil Spock came to work today, since Jon Edwards dropped out the race to be POTUS in 2008. Jon Edwards platform for his Presidential run was to fight poverty, and since Evil Spock's day-job-of-do-goodery is in the forefront of the fight against poverty, Evil Spock will have to pick up some of the slack. Thanks a lot Edwards.

Mr. Edwards was the candidate Evil Spock supported for the POTUS run in 2008. Evil Spock had so much confidence in Mr. Edwards, that Evil Spock honestly thought about not running in 2012, and waiting until 2016 for the former senator to complete his reign. Since Evil Spock didn't have to pimp for 2012 anymore, Evil Spock thought Evil Spock could walk away from the blog for awhile, and possibly not write again until 2009. Now Evil Spock will have to stop resting on Evil Spock's laurels, and pimp Evil Spock's 2012 POTUS run, until Evil Spock can't pimps no more.

Since switching to the Godzilla-empowered Dems a couple of years ago, Evil Spock has enjoyed being on the winning team. Evil Spock and The Collective had thought that the Democrats would sweep into the White House in 2008, and Evil Spock wouldn't have to switch parties again. Sadly, 2008 doesn't seem like a lock anymore.

Before all the primaries started to happen, many pollsters and pundits said that Jon Edwards was the most electable candidate for the Democrats. Conversely, John McCain was the most electable from the GOP. They both appealed to the middle of America, and could probably draw voters from either Blue or Red voters. Purple voters if you will.

Surprisingly, the Democratic party must not care about electability, but Evil Spock should've figured that out with the nomination going to John Kerry in 2004. Obviously the Republicans care, because McCain is currently they're forerunner, and will probably get his party's nomination. This sets up a McCain versus Hillary battle, and the presidential race actually becomes an actual race, as opposed to a solid victory for the Democrats.

Evil Spock isn't counting out Barack Obama. Evil Spock really likes Obama, and will throw Evil Spock's support to him now that Edwards is out. But Evil Spock doesn't believe America is progressive as the John Q. Public would like you to believe. Race is still an issue in America. You've got the Jena Six hoopla and nooses on GolfWeek for crying out loud! Barack can't get a membership to some of the more exclusive country clubs in America, and you really think that'll it'll be a cakewalk for him to the White House?!? Evil Spock believes the veil of White Guilt and open-mindedness dissipates once those curtains close behind you in a polling booth.

Democrats must become more organized if they want to win in 2008. Sadly, McCain appeals to the middle of America far more than Barack or Hillary, and its always the middle and not the left and the right that elects a President.

If the GOP reigns supreme in 2008, you at least get the consolation of funny blogs from Evil Spock until Evil Spock and The Collective take the White House by hook or by crook in 2012.

Evil Spock out!

Ensign Redshirt: Back to the Future

2008-01-31T09:45:00.000-05:00

Hello Evil Spock's precious Few. Evil Spock has now returned and will be perusing blogs to gather information for Evil Spock's ~~upcoming invasion~~ reading pleasures. Evil Spock has missed The Few very much, and will have a blog up for tomorrow.

Actually, Evil Spock wanted to post it today, but Ensign Redshirt constructed the most excellent excuse for Evil Spock's prolonged absence. Consider his musing the cheese course in Evil Spock's crazy buffet of life. The suckling pig and turducken that is Evil Spock's writing will here before you know it!

Evil Spock out!

I am happy to be back from an extended away mission, which required an even more extended recovery period after experiencing a number of near-fatal injuries. Despite being in magnetic traction in my hyper-baric chamber, I managed to catch up on all my paperwork and ongoing projects. It is at this time I can announce that we are nearing completion of an excitingly Evil project involving time displacement.

Evil Spock only appears to have been absent from The Few. Our fearless leader has actually been the primary subject of a time travel experiment that worked a little too well. One of the lesser ensigns—I think it was Yellowshirt; what a loser—accidentally added an extra digit on the chronolosticaligizer interface and sent Evil Spock a bit too far into the future. Unfortunately, that gaffe caused a disruption in the blog-space continuum, creating a void of content. On the upside, Our Vulcan missed the Colts' playoff loss.

Our calculations are projecting an imminent return. Thanks for your patience. If you are interested in participating in our post-displacement study, let us know and a survey can be electronically mailed to your personal account. (Please allow your spam filters to approve an email with the subject, "Black Enterprise - Get your COMPLIMENTARY subscription," as that is the code name for this top secret project.)

Transmission . . . *bzzzzt!*

Tootie the Über-tribble: The dissapearance of Evil.

2008-01-28T11:30:00.000-05:00

Good morning all.

As you’ve probably noticed, Evil Spock has gone missing for a while. There have been many rumors - some involving small, furry animals and a dragqueen named Divine (I started that one myself) – but few have come close to the actual truth. Except maybe that one about Hillary Clinton.

The horrible, awful, unthinkable truth.

That for the past few weeks Evil Spock thought about turning away from evil to become an all-around nice guy…

This revolting idea first came to him one sunny morning when he was forced to rescue a small kitten out of a tree. He later told me that the experience had made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I bit him on the shin. He kicked me. Thus I thought things were back to normal, but alas.

Just a few days later, Mr. Paul – my manservant – observed him smiling in public, for no personal gain whatsoever. I was, of course, shocked. If goodness and decency can worm its way into the heart of Evil Spock, then surely none of us are safe. I felt around inside my soul, or whatever it is that I have in stead of a soul, in search of the faintest trace of virtue. To my great relief I couldn’t find as much as an iota of the stuff.

The night that Evil Spock disappeared, was especially bad. He had been seen at the video arcade, checking out “terms of endearment”. Before that he’d ooooh-ed and aaaaah-ed over a small child in a carriage. We had been discussing his condition behind his back for days, and were giving serious thought to knocking him upside the head and shipping him off for re-programming. But we didn’t want to be rude about it. Then he went missing anyway, so we didn’t get the chance.

We searched for him, of course, in all his favourite places. Even that place in the park where he goes twice a week to teach small children to swear as they’re walking home from kindergarten. Despite all our efforts, Evil Spock was nowhere to be found.

Then last week I received a letter from him, saying that he’s coming back. I guess there’s only so many niceties and good deeds a person can take before they start to feel queasy inside. Let’s all keep our fingers crossed that the big guy now wants to catch up for all the kindness he’s been up to lately.

Kindness. Bah, humbug.

Gotta go! Über-tribble powers activate!

Have you seen this Douchebag?

The Collective: Hiatus is Over (Until We Get Bored Again)

2008-01-24T10:05:00.000-05:00

We guess it was no surprise that the annual (insert your favorite December holiday here) card from Evil Spock did not arrive in the mail this year. You see we broke our campaign promise to him to blog about every remotely funny topic that crossed our field of view or thought that popped into our heads. I guess we saw the writing on the wall when we did not see our names listed in any of the state caucuses and primaries. No mention on Meet the Press or Talking Points Memo. We take this to mean that the Evil Spock-The Collective 2008 campaign is no more. Maybe we’ll see you in 2012.

So for the past many months we’ve been staring at a computer desktop cluttered with abandoned posts that for whatever reason we could not finish and give to the world. Posts such as a rehash of a trip to West Yellowstone Montana where we were served food or had our money taken for unnecessary keepsakes almost exclusively by young Russians. We felt like we were in “Red Dawn” minus Patrick Swayze or C. Thomas Howell. Although, in that scenario, we (as the losing Americans) probably would have been serving them. We had notions of going back and finishing old posts just to keep our promised output up. However, that seemed to be cheating the timeliness that blogging provides, so we refrained. Maybe when the Collected Collective Works are gathered we may finish them off.

It was nothing less than the madness that is the US Presidential Primaries that brought us out of our slumber. Now that we are officially not in the race anymore we feel that we no longer live in a glass house and can safely throw our stones at others. We’ll give a quick synopsis of some of those left standing that warrant mention.

Mike Huckabee. Having a Presidential last name is crucial for electability. We have institutions such as the KENNEDY School of Government, the state of WASHINGTON, the LINCOLN center, James MADISON university, The FILLMORE (we’re not sure it’s named after Millard). James K. Polk probably even has a rest stop somewhere named after him. But, can you really imagine anything reputable named after Huckabee? Even for Arkansas Huckabee State University is too much. Huckabee sounds more like a family restaurant coming to an interstate exit ramp near you. Just combine Huckleberry and Applebee’s and you’re well on your way. More to the point is that he is probably not electable based on his actual campaigning. First he participated in the obligatory for Republicans hunting photo-ops which raises the question of what do we have to kill to get elected around here? Next he equated homosexuality with bestiality and proceeded to say that we need to change our Constitution to be more Christian. On the question of the South Carolina confederate flag issues he said something like (paraphrasing) “In fact, if somebody came to Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we'd tell 'em what to do with the pole, that's what we'd do.” Not surprising this is coming from a “Christian preacher.” In an attempt to appeal to some as of yet unknown constituency he said, “When I was in college, we used to take a popcorn popper, because that was the only thing they would let us use in the dorm, and we would fry squirrels in a popcorn popper in the dorm room.” This is a potential leader of our country? We think we’ll steer clear of Huckabee’s House of Squirrels Family Feedbag the next time we’re on a long roadtrip. He has followed in Bill Clinton’s footsteps by appearing with music instrument in tow. Whereas, Bill made quite a splash by playing the sax (deemed a cool instrument) on the Arsenio Hall Show, Huck could only muster playing bass (not as cool apparently) at bingo night at a retirement home (it may have been a different venue). He definitely has folksy down, but we now know that great evil can lurk beneath folksy (see current Presidential Administration). So with a heavy heart we have to say that we do not see late night bass jam sessions and popcorn squirrel at 1700 Pennsylvania Avenue in our futures. That would’ve beat the pants off of the avoidance of watching any news and clearing brush at the ranch in Crawford that we currently enjoy there.

Looks like Old Huck took more of our time than we had planned. So, we’ll leave the other candidates for future posts. That is if anyone is actually still reading.

The Collective has spoken!

Tootie the Über-tribble: Today Tootie glorifies violence

2007-12-05T12:00:00.000-05:00

I have been away for a while. You’ve noticed and missed me, of course. I’ve been off on one of my trips, this time to the glorious kingdom of furry hats and round ceilings, otherwise known as Russia.

Mr. James new mail-order bride is Russian, and insisted on seeing her family. I’ve tried to explain to her that there’s no point in having family if you can’t ignore them, but she’s a bit dense, that one. I think she’s been bottled up on vodka and that stuff they make with boiled pumpernickel and rye bread. That, and I have reason to believe that at least one of her parents is some sort of primate. I don’t say that as a stab at her intellect, mind you. I’m simply referring to her hairy arms.

After several weeks of being force fed stories from her childhood home of Nikoskoye, I agreed to let her and Mr. James take me with them for a long weekend of sightseeing. From what I understood, her family lived there in some sort of cave. It was also vital that we go before May. Something to do with the devil and barcodes.

Between Mrs. James ranting and raving and the election terrorising me from the television screen, I’ve had to work very hard not to bite anyone these past few weeks. The world has evolved at lightning speed, but there are some things that they did better in the good, old days. Such as running an election. All you had to do back then, was to knock someone on the head until they were good’n woozy and drag them from polling station to polling station so that they could vote again and again. It was a beautiful system.

When I become ruler of all, there won’t be any damn election beforehand, that’s for sure. If I can’t do it the old fashion way, I’ll just use my doomsday weapon on the bastards.

Gotta go! Über-tribble powers activate!

Der Ring von Schlechtem Spock

2007-12-03T12:15:00.000-05:00

Evil Spock is lucky to have so many readers for Evil Spock's blog. Evil Spock is even luckier to have so many of The Few commenting, and not only that, submitting questions to Ask Evil Spock. Every time Evil Spock reads The Few's comments and questions, Evil Spock realizes that Evil Spock is a noble spirit that embiggens the smallest man. Even when Evil Spock is being less than cromulent, i.e. not writing so much, Evil Spock knows that The Few are with Evil Spock through thick and thin.

Evil Spock loves being adored and admired. When Evil Spock first started The Needs of the Few, Evil Spock thought Evil Spock was the only one loving Evil Spock. Thank Jeebus for The Few, because there's only so much time Evil Spock can spend in front of the mirror saying self-affirmations to Evil Spock's reflection before people start calling Evil Spock "looney tunes".

Evil Spock doesn't want to take The Few's love for granted, because being loved is very important. But when it comes to all things interweb, being hated brings in the numbers. When the evil within Evil Spock started to manifest, Evil Spock thought Evil Spock would become a polarizing figure in today's world of iPhones and Nintendo Wiis. Yet other than some empty death threats by a disgruntled Superfan, there isn't much bile and venom in the comment section or the inbox of askevilspock@gmail.com. Evil Spock is puzzled by all this, since Evil Spock is an aspiring evil despot trying to take over the world after all.

Another thing that befuddles Evil Spock, is the lack of letters from those farthest on the Christian Right trying to save Evil Spock's soul. Evil Spock knows they're busy picketing military funerals and the lawsuits that proceed said picketing, but you'd think their future POTUS in 2012 would register some importance on their Rapture meters.

Evil Spock sees their letters all the time in local newspapers, spouting how society is immoral, and that their path is the righteous one. Evil Spock realizes that saving souls isn't the only reason that these zealots submit their holy correspondence. Part of the thrill is getting their letter published in their local rags. They become like G-list celebrities to their congregation, which means they get to go to the front of the line for Communion wafers.

Evil Spock would like to remind the Christian Right that The Needs of the Few is bigger than any of the archaic, dead-tree presses. Bigger than the New York Times, the Chicago Tribune, or Mad Magazine. Maybe not as big as The Onion, but close (they are America's Finest News Source). If you want to be more famous, please tell Evil Spock that Evil Spock is wicked and needs to put a little Jesus fish on Evil Spock's Toyota via email or the comment box.

For aspiring holy soldiers that don't have a handle on creative writing, you can use Dorothy Burton, and her magnum opus "It was Jesus, not Santa, who died for us" as an example. Its a poignant reminder that Jesus was the one who was crucified and died, and not Santa. Remember, Santa Claus is an immortal that lives with flying reindeer and elves. Santa cannot die from crucifixion, but he can be killed by cutting off his head, which results in the killer inheriting all of Kris Kringle's unearthly powers. Plus, from what Evil Spock has read of the Bible, Santa actually works for Jesus.

Ms. Burton does meander a bit, as she mentions the Easter holiday in the same letter. Its borderline appropriate that the department stores put out the Christmas decorations before Halloween, but its way too early for Evil Spock to think about Easter and all the chocolate bunnies Evil Spock plans to consume. Plus she confuses Evil Spock when she implies that it was Jesus who rose from the dead and not a rabbit. Evil Spock is pretty sure a rabbit was also struck down, only later to be resurrected.

Perhaps the Christian Right don't send letters to save Evil Spock's immortal soul because Evil Spock compares Jesus to Bugs Bunny. Hopefully, that'll at least generate some hate mail.

Evil Spock out!

Money Laundering

2007-11-19T14:17:00.000-05:00

Its almost a ritual: at some point in the year, Evil Spock will end up washing Evil Spock's wallet that Evil Spock left in some random pair of pants. Evil Spock just did that yesterday. Luckily, most of Evil Spock's identifying documents and legal tender survives 9/10 times. Sadly, Evil Spock lost Evil Spock's License to Ogle, Chuck E. Cheese Bux, and Evil Spock's Federal Breast Inspector's card. Hopefully Evil Spock won't have to take another exam to get that last one.

Since Evil Spock carries mostly plastic, i.e. credit cards, Evil Spock could technically launder Evil Spock's wallet over and over again. Unfortunately, Evil Spock does carry cash around on occasion, and its always a hassle to hang the bills on the clothesline outside.

When Evil Spock becomes POTUS in 2012, Evil Spock is contemplating stopping the printing of currency and the minting of coins altogether. Not only will Evil Spock piss off numismatists, who Evil Spock despises almost as much as hippies, Evil Spock believes that it will invigorate the US economy, since people are less likely to keep track of purchases when they shop with their American Express. With the recent change in bankruptcy laws, Evil Spock sees it as a win-win for the creditors, and perhaps they will see fit to forgive all of Evil Spock's debts when Evil Spock ascends to the White House. Evil Spock will be damned if collection agencies tie up all of Evil Spock's presidential telephones.

Anyway, Evil Spock finds the idea of paper money and coins very archaic. Practically everyone takes plastic at this point, except for maybe street performers and strippers. (Word of caution, even though the strip club might advertise Visa/Mastercard accepted, do not try to swipe your cards between their cleavage or ass cracks to tip your dancers. They do NOT like that.)The only other thing Evil Spock can imagine real-life currency is good for, is to fill up money bins to go swimming. Evil Spock guesses Evil Spock can swim in swimming pools filled with Dom Pérignon instead.

For those who will miss carrying around currency, there are organizations willing to fill that void. National Organization for the Repeal of the Federal Reserve and Internal Revenue Codes (NORFED)are printing currency. They call it the Liberty Dollar. Some even have the likeness of Republican fringe candidate Ron Paul on them. Unfortunately those no-fun agents at the Federal Bureau of Investigations, or the FBI (not to be confused with the esteemed organization The Federal Breast Inspectors), recently raided their Evansville headquarters in Indiana. The government accuses the Liberty Dollar as an attempt to destabilize the Federal Reserves and undermine the US economy. If thats the case, Evil Spock thinks the FBI should investigate the current administration and how the war in Iraq has screwed up the economy.

If they're going to place a candidate on their currency, they may as well go for a viable one. Evil Spock in 2012.

Evil Spock out!

Its the end of the world . . .

2007-11-15T11:50:00.000-05:00

. . . and Evil Spock feels fine.

Evil Spock apologizes for the impromptu disappearance, but Evil Spock signed up for National Blog Posting Month or NaBloPoMo for short. Evil Spock was supposed to post a blog entry a day for the month of November, but Evil Spock missed the first day's deadline due to some evil errands Evil Spock had to run. Evil Spock assumed if you messed up the first day, Evil Spock wouldn't be able to write for the rest of the month. Evil Spock didn't want to upset the goons at NaBloPoMo, and get Evil Spock's legs broken or something.

Apparently thats not a rule in the NaBloPoMo charter. At least Evil Spock can say that Evil Spock stopped writing to show support for the writer's strike in Hollywood. Evil Spock thought if people knew Evil Spock was still writing, they wouldn't need Hollywood anymore, and just come and read Evil Spock's musings on an hourly basis. Evil Spock wants writers to get paid, because Evil Spock doesn't want to watch reality TV like Dancing with Douchebags or Are you as Dumb as my Kid type shows.

Did you know they have shows where non-dancing douchebags do karaoke? If thats not a sign of the Apocalypse it should be. Since Evil Spock couldn't watch much television or write, Evil Spock got hooked into some crazy sect in Russia. They too believe that the end of the world is coming, so they've barricaded themselves in a cave and are living Flintstones style.

Why would Evil Spock throw Evil Spock's lot with a bunch of crazies? Well their leader, Pyotr Kuznetsov, is a schizophrenic who lives in a coffin. He recently got detained in by the police, and there is a power vacuum at leadership. Evil Spock wanted to assume the leadership role, to expand Evil Spock's evil empire. Plus everyone knows that cult chicks are super easy, especially if Evil Spock is their messiah. Evil Spock was hoping to get some of that "end of the world sex".

Unfortunately, living in a cave is a little bit more rustic than Evil Spock is used to. Brushing ones teeth with leaves and sand kind of sucked. Not to mention having to use pine cones for toilet paper. Everyone was smelling a little gamy after about a day. Evil Spock isn't a big fan of camping anyway.

Another reason Evil Spock left the cave, is because they didn't have wireless interweb, and after being from The Few for so long, Evil Spock missed you guys and gals. Evil Spock was surprised that Evil Spock got emails and comments while Evil Spock was away. Thank you.

Evil Spock hopes you accept these excuses. Just don't believe the rumors that Evil Spock's lack of writing has anything to do with Evil Spock's Scrabble addiction on Facebook (email Evil Spock at askevilspock@gmail.com if you'd like to challenge Evil Spock) or getting Guitar Hero 3 for the Nintendo Wii (send Evil Spock your friend codes if you got it too!) Regardless its good to get back to Evil Spock's own brand of crazies.

Anyone up for having some messiah sex?

Evil Spock out.

Hello Dalai!

2007-10-25T03:35:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock is suffering from evil fatigue, and Evil Spock couldn't figure out why. Is Evil Spock burned out, and all the evil have seeped out of all of Evil Spock's evil pores? Perhaps the Evil Tooth Fairy stole all of Evil Spock's evil wisdom teeth in the middle of the night, because Evil Spock's jaw hurts and there are shiny new nickles under Evil Spock's pillows? Maybe Evil Spock is just lazy?

Can't be the last one . . .

Evil Spock has tons of excuses for not answering The Few's questions. Evil Spock also has scapegoats by the millions. So Evil Spock will randomly choose a scapegoat from Evil Spock's Enemy's List to blame for Evil Spock's lackadaisical attitude towards the blog:

Drumroll please . . .

And the winner is the Dalai Lama!

His Holiness, Tezin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama is visiting Bloomington, IN this week. All the Buddhist-y good feelings he's bringing is sapping Evil Spock's strength to write. Not to mention Evil Spock is deathly allergic to his Nobel Peace Prize, much like Superman is allergic to Kryptonite. Its too bad Evil Spock would die upon touching said award, because Evil Spock has heard that its filled with chocolates.

Everyone send their hate mail to Mr. Lama for making Evil Spock neglect The Few. Regardless, Evil Spock has ventured outside of Evil Spock's Cave of Seclusion (aka "The Crying Place") to answer the questions from the loyal and adorable Few. Let the Q&A commence!

Ask Evil Spock!

Lorie Long, a fellow blogger (what blog do you write?), had this queries for your Majesty, Evil Spock:

This is a burning question I am sure you are just dying to answer: Why do the needs of the many out weigh the needs of the few? Look forward to the answer on your blog.

Lorie, its because Evil Spock belongs to The Few, and whats good for The Few is good for Evil Spock. If Evil Spock shared all of Evil Spock's wealth and resources to The Many (i.e. Universal Healthcare, Free College Education), how can Evil Spock bathe in Dom Perignon while being served delicious and near-extinct foods by well-trained silver back gorillas?

Sorry about the burning though, some penicillin should clear that up.

Jazz from Haphazard Life is a loyal member of The Few, and someone who'd Evil Spock would consider for Superfan 2007, had a question about the front placeholder to POTUS for next year's presidential election:

What does Evil Spock think of Hillary as President? Does he think she has a chance? Would she be better or worse than her predecessors? OK technically that's three questions, but what the hell...

Hillary would make a better president than the Commander-in-Chimp. That bar is so low, ants can't limbo underneath it. Does she have a chance? Sure. Is she the best the Dems have to offer? Definitely not.

Evil Spock's only beef (actually not the only beef) is that she could mobilize The Right, and get them to the polling booths to vote for the GOP. She's a polarizing person, and the GOP need a figure to rail against. Evil Spock's fave candidate from The Left is Edwards.

Then again, they are all mere placeholders for Evil Spock until 2012.

An associate to Evil Starfleet, Pavel Chekov runs Chekov's Kick-Ass Music Videos. Pavel had a question concerning blogging talent and geography:

Why is it that nearly all bloggers hail from one of two places: Indiana and Canada? Is there some sort of connection between Indiana and Canada? I realize this constitutes two questions in one e-mail but I consider myself to be special because I am a blogger who is from neither Indiana or Canada.

Have you been to Indiana or Canada? There's nothing to do in either place except shuck corn, make meth, and get drunk off of a concoction of maple syrup and Moose antlers. Hoosiers and Canucks don't write because they're interesting (though many are), they write because its the only thing keeping them from going batshit insane.

Straight out of Austin, a crazy motherfucker named Pokopo had a bevy of questions. Instead of submitting so many queries, perhaps the Pineapple Princess should work more on her two blogs, The Pineapple Report and The Traveling Pineapple. Come on, the Traveling Pineapple hasn't been updated since August!

Who?

Her Popkoponess.

What?

Pineapple Upside Down Cake Bake-off.

When?

The 13th of Smarch.

Where?

Kooey Kooey Kooey Island.

Why?

Because Smarch has lousy weather.

How?

Evil Spock assumes her Pokoponess knows her way around a Pineapple Upside Down Cake.

Jim Dandy over at MONDO DANDY had this shoe fetishist question for Evil Spock:

Do you have a favorite brand of shoes?

Evil Spock is well-versed in the ancient art of deadly shoe-throwing. The best shoe for shoe murdering is any pair of Doc Martens. They both have the weight and aerodynamics to kill an elderly person at 60 paces.

Mark from Mondo Marco

Has Evil Spock always been evil, or was there some traumatic event when he was but a spocklet that led him to a life of malevolence and debauchery?

There were many traumatic events in Evil Spock's life that could've sent Evil Spock over the edge, but the one moment that came to mind is when Evil Spock's mother threw away all of Evil Spock's boxes to Evil Spock's Transformer collection. Evil Spock went from mere petty thug to full-on evil despot.

In the land of chimpanzees, he was a monkey. Monkey Muck had a question about climate change:

Evil Spock, it was 92 degrees here today. Will it ever cool down?

Evil Spock, with all of Evil Spock's power over gravity, has moved the Earth farther away from the sun just for you.

Slagathor from Some of Nothing Blog had a question about the drawbacks of having so many sycophants:

As a recently embloggated evildoer myself, I would like to know: does having so many kneelers before you impinge on your extracurricular evil doing? For instance, do you still have enough time to plot world domination and late-night refrigerator raids?

Also, is it true that vulcans never bluff?

Evil Spock's Few is awfully precious to Evil Spock, even though they seem to be abusive partners. Regardless, Evil Spock needs willing martyrs on the quest for world domination, and there aren't better lemmings than Evil Spock's Few.

Also, Evil Spock is an evil Vulcan, so bluffing is always an option for Evil Spock's tribe.

Andrée, from the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont, writes at the feline themed meeyauw. He couldn't figure out how to send the questions via electronic mail, but Evil Spock is always one to placate a new fan.

1. where are you? Georgetown? that's DC, I thought you were Midwest. I probably missed something somewhere here.

Evil Spock lives in the Midwest, but Evil Spock has friends who write for Georgetown Tales. One of them is a neighbor and newly-minted father!

2. I forgot the next question.

Evil Spock didn't forget, and yes, Evil Spock is as handsome and charming in real life.

3. i didn't vote for that costume. i don't like it. This is why democracy doesn't work that well for me.

Not a question, but would you like some cheese with your whine?

'nefty over in her own little world had a question about Evil Spock's speech impediment:

Why do you speak in "Second-person?"

Actually Evil Spock speaks in third-person. And its a speech impediment.

Jlee needs to get a blogroll on her blog, Jlee's Place. You need to make Evil Spock more famous! It's going to be the only thing that keeps her from being nominated to Superfan 2007. That, and obviously she doesn't study Evil Spock's writings as well as a member of The Few should:

Boxers or briefs? Or boxer briefs?

Grrr . . . You didn't remember that Evil Spock is a never-nude, and Evil Spock wears cut-off jean shorts underneath everything. Just like master thespian Dr. Tobias Fünke.

Evil Spock hopes you enjoyed another installment of Ask Evil Spock. Hopefully when the Dalai Lama leaves, everything will be back to normal. And if it isn't, Evil Spock will look for another scapegoat on the Evil Spock's Enemy's List to blame for Evil Spock's misfortunes.

Evil Spock out!

I wish I knew how to quit you.

2007-10-22T12:50:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock has been MIA from the blog recently. Evil Spock works every night trying to make The Few happy, but Evil Spock is emotionally and intellectually spent. Evil Spock feels very apologetic about the whole thing, but sometimes Evil Spock needs to take a break from everything to come back to center. Evil Spock is thinking about walking away from The Needs of the Few.

Then Evil Spock woke up with a black eye.

Sure, Evil Spock got hit in the face really hard playing basketball the other day, but Evil Spock doesn't see a correlation between the shiner and the elbow. Instead, Evil Spock believes The Few are abusing Evil Spock.

The warning signs were there, but Evil Spock refused to believe that Evil Spock was in an abusive relationship with The Few. Evil Spock has worked closely with abused women in the past at the day-job-of-do-goodery, plus Evil Spock has watched copious amounts of Valerie Bertinelli and Judith Light on Lifetime, so Evil Spock thought these things couldn't happen to Evil Spock.

Evil Spock has a bindle packed so that Evil Spock can go on the lam. But to make doubley-sure Evil Spock isn't imagining things, Evil Spock found this relationship warning quiz on the interweb. Hopefully this will help give some clarity on the whole situation.

Relationship Warning Signs Quiz

Does Evil Spock feel nervous around your boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, or The Few?

Constantly! Evil Spock never knows if Evil Spock is saying the right thing, and Evil Spock feels that Evil Spock is walking on egg shells. No, make that eggs, Evil Spock is walking around on eggs. Big ostrich eggs, and Evil Spock has made a tremendous eggy mess everywhere.

Does Evil Spock have to be careful to control Evil Spock's behavior to avoid their anger?

Evil Spock isn't sure, are The Few angry right now?

Does Evil Spock feel pressured by them when it comes to sex?

God yes.

Is Evil Spock scared of disagreeing with them?

Only when it comes to the great debate of Waffles versus Pancakes.

Does the Few criticize Evil Spock, or humiliate Evil Spock in front of other people?

Um, yeah. Angry Ballerina, Dr. Zaius, and Dcup come to mind. Words hurt.

Are they always checking up or questioning Evil Spock about what you do without them?

Evil Spock guesses Evil Spock brought that on Evil Spock's self with the whole Ask Evil Spock thingee. Oh, by the by, Evil Spock will have that done tomorrow. Send in questions if you haven't to askevilspock@gmail.com

Does The Few repeatedly and wrongly accuse Evil Spock of seeing or flirting with other people?

Evil Spock is confused. Since Evil Spock is constantly flirting, Evil Spock guesses The Few's accusations are not unfounded. Lets blame you guys anyway.

Does The Few tell Evil Spock that if you changed they wouldn't abuse you?

Um, its never come up, but Evil Spock is willing to change. How about if Evil Spock changes into a Unicorn/Pegasus hybrid that shoots puppies from its eyes? Evil Spock calls it a Unipegasicorn with laser puppy eyes option. Laser puppy eyes do not come standard with the Unipegasicorn.

That crytpozoological creature is not gay, it is full of kickassery.

Does their jealousy stop Evil Spock from seeing friends or family?

Um, sure! That's exactly why Evil Spock hasn't visited Evil Spock's family in a couple of months! Its because of you guys and gals! See mom? Its not Evil Spock's fault!

Does The Few make Evil Spock feel like Evil Spock is wrong, stupid, crazy, or inadequate?

Never. Though some of you try very hard to do so. Evil Spock owns Evil Spock's feelings.

Have they ever scared Evil Spock with violence or threatening behavior?

A comment in Punching people in the dark . . . comes to mind.

Does Evil Spock often do things to please them, rather than to please Evil Spock?

Um, Yogi Bear Suit.

Do they prevent Evil Spock from going out or doing things you want to do?

Just the other day, Evil Spock thought about brewing some crystal meth in the shed, and The Few prevented that. How will Evil Spock buy Xmas gifts without that extra meth money to supplement Evil Spock's income?!?

Does Evil Spock feel that, with them, nothing Evil Spock does is ever good enough?

Evil Spock has no idea how Evil Spock will keep topping Evil Spock's self. Evil Spock was saving the skateboard jump over Springfield Gorge for the 50th anniversary. At the rate this going, Evil Spock will be jumping gorges next week.

Do they say that they will kill or hurt them self if Evil Spock breaks up with them?

Evil Spock is not responsible for death or injuries related to this blog.

Do they make excuses for their behavior, for example, by saying it's because of alcohol or drugs, or because they can't control their temper, or that they were 'just joking'?

Evil Spock has assumed this whole time that The Few is intoxicated or high. So, does that make this quiz null and void?

When Evil Spock finished the quiz, Evil Spock realized there wasn't a button to push to tabulate said results. So, the quiz is pretty inconclusive to Evil Spock. Therefore, Evil Spock will continue writing and monitoring The Few to make sure you people aren't all psycho stalkers. Evil Spock must defend future blog writers from you.

Oh, and if any of you took this test and scored abnormally high, please visit the Family Violence Prevention Fund.

Evil Spock out!

Tootie the Übertribble: The true nature of Richard Simmons

2007-10-17T09:17:00.000-04:00

I am, as you all know, the Übertribble, and I have the ability to suck peoples brains right out of their heads like the mushy insides of a soft grape, thus making them my unwilling slaves. You might think that I'm the first of my kind, seeing how I'm so remarkable. You would be wrong, however. A long time ago, there was another like me. Well, almost like me. He obviously didn't have my overwhelming wit, charm and intellect. But other than that, he was almost like me. His name was Baron Von Spetzhelm.

After discovering what he could do, his second thought was "Hey, I bez I could uze thiz to zake over zhe woild". He had a creepy little accent, that baron. It always ensure he got picked last for water polo. His first thought was: "Where iz my poodle Ilsa?” But that might have had something to do with the fact that he was sitting on an old lady’s head at the time. Then again, it might not.

The Baron now started his search for the perfect vessel from which to conquer the world. Or woild. As luck would have it, he came across a little, bald fella who had delusions of grandure but not the willpower to tear his face out of the bag of chips. The Baron slithered up behind him, crept slowly up his back and once he had settled on the mans greasy skull, they entered into an unholy union and became.....

...RICHARD SIMMONS.

All went well for several years, but somewhere along the line The Baron began to lose control. Brainmerges aren’t ment to be kept up for that long. Every now and then your mind needs to breathe or it will melt down. As The Baron’s did.

I soon understood that something had to be done about Von Spetzhelm, and have launched numerous assassination attempts over the years. This was the latest:

As you can see, it failed. Once upon a time, when The Baron still had a functioning brain in his head, he would have tried to trick me into drinking poison out of a golden goblet. A bit unorigional, perhaps, but proactive, at the very least. Now, in responce to my attempt on his life, he sent me this:

That really creeped me out...

Gotta go! Über-tribble powers activate!

Bear Necessities

2007-10-15T14:30:00.000-04:00

Send your Ask Evil Spock questions to Evil Spock by midnight tonight, and Evil Spock will answer said questions tomorrow! Queries are to be emailed to askevilspock@gmail.com!

On more than one occasion, Evil Spock's sexual orientation has been called into question due to Evil Spock's narcissistic behaviors. Just because Evil Spock likes to be well-groomed and moisturizes like there's no tomorrow, that doesn't make Evil Spock a homosexual.

Not that Evil Spock would be bothered if Evil Spock was a homosexual, because there are many inherent benefits to being gay. Like doubling one's wardrobe by sharing your partner's clothing, or being able to watch sports and have sex at halftime.

But sorry to disappoint Evil Spock's gay fans, but Evil Spock is straight. The only male Evil Spock has ever been attracted to is Evil Spock, and until Evil Spock can clone Evil Spock's self, Evil Spock won't be switching teams in the foreseeable future.

In actuality, all that working out, watching Evil Spock's diet, and throat scrapings isn't to attract the opposite sex. Evil Spock rigorous beautification treatments are to prepare for Evil Spock's POTUS run in 2012.

Image is everything, especially to Evil Spock, so instead of doing Evil Spock's homework and focusing on the issues, Evil Spock will charm the voting populace with Evil Spock's dashing good looks and a well manicured handshake. In the golden age of American Idol and Paris Hilton, Evil Spock realizes that flash wins over substance. Anyway, while Evil Spock regales dignitaries and prostitutes both foreign and domestic, the more homely Collective will be behind the scenes working on the boring stuff like Social Security and Israel.

There are pratfalls to being gorgeous though. Staying this pretty all the time is very exhausting for Evil Spock. The Few doesn't realize how much Evil Spock's face aches from smiling all day. Evil Spock has also strained Evil Spock's winking muscles to the point that Evil Spock can only wink a few times a day without duress. Not to mention the materials spent on Evil Spock's beauty and longevity treatments are depleting the Amazon rain forests. That's not going to play well to the granola munching, stinky, dread-locked hippie environmentalists.

Perhaps its time to get back to the basics. Only going with the bare necessities if you will. Instead of spending time and money on hair products, chemical baths, and leeches, Evil Spock will just simply go as Evil Spock is, and let Evil Spock's inner beauty shine more brightly than Evil Spock's outer appearance. Or maybe Evil Spock should just invest in a Yogi Bear suit.

Some of The Few may remember voting for a anthropomorphic costume for Evil Spock to wear to attract Furries to the blog. Yogi Bear won out, so Evil Spock along with Evil Spock's friends from Georgetown Tales hit the town last month to gauge what kind of reaction Evil Spock would solicit dressed as The Few's favorite ursine character.

El Capitan and GeorgeConstanza'sNumberOneFan followed Evil Spock around like paparazzi/bodyguards, as Evil Spock and gang hit a couple of bear themed bars (Yogi's and Bear's Place), a rooftop party, and some other favorite locales. The reaction Yogi Bear got was overwhelming. People were buying Evil Spock drinks as if Evil Spock was a pretty blonde with a brand new boob job. The attention and liquor was quite intoxicating for Evil Spock.

Clockwise from top-left: El Capitan and GeorgeConstanza'sNumberOneFan hanging with Evil Spock, Yogi's Bar and Grill, Bear's Place, Placating the fans. For more pictures visit Evil Spock's Flickr site.

The next morning, Evil Spock came to the realization that everyone was so focused on Yogi's looks, that they ignored Evil Spock's looks inside of said Yogi. Evil Spock realized that beauty is only fur-deep; its whats inside Yogi that counts. Since that night, Evil Spock has become more superficial and beautiful, so much so Evil Spock almost drowned trying to make out with Evil Spock's image in a pool of water.

Evil Spock is glad to have Evil Spock's priorities straight again.

Evil Spock out!

You're Evil Spock's one and only.

2007-10-12T10:30:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock is a bad blogger. Evil Spock made a ton of promises, and Evil Spock hasn't delivered. Evil Spock is racked with guilt over the whole thing, but its not what it looks like, Evil Spock swears!

Evil Spock doesn't have a hotter, sexier blog that Evil Spock is two-timing The Few with. Evil Spock knows it looks suspicious, but Evil Spock has just been busy with work. So much so, that Evil Spock hasn't been in the mood to cuddle with the laptop and write The Few the sweet, sweet words you deserve. Evil Spock knows there have been some strange misunderstandings. That lipstick on the collar? A misplaced European kiss on the cheek. The strange lingerie on the bed? A birthday present that wasn't wrapped yet! The smell of women's perfume on Evil Spock's shirt? Evil Spock justs like the scent of Coco's Chanel No. 5.

Even if Evil Spock had another blog on the side, The Few will always be number one in Evil Spock's heart. You're the high school sweetheart; the blog next door so to speak. You're the blog Evil Spock wants to spend holidays with, and the one that Evil Spock wants to grow old and watch other blogs die off one by one on the blogroll. The other blog, if there was one, is just arm candy; a trifle.

Next week, Evil Spock promises to spend more time with The Few. Hell, Evil Spock will take time off of Evil Spock's busy schedule to write more. Evil Spock will extend the deadline for submitting questions to Ask Evil Spock until Monday at midnight, and Evil Spock will have all the questions answered for Tuesday's blog (submit questions to askevilspock@gmail.com). Evil Spock feels bad for taking The Few for granted. Please don't leave Evil Spock; you're Evil Spock's anchor in the vast sea of interweb porno and penis enhancement ads.

Evil Spock promises to be a better blogger to Evil Spock's precious Few. If you need Evil Spock, let Evil Spock know, because Evil Spock will be around. If you’re all alone when the pretty birds have flown, Honey, Evil Spock's still free. Take a chance on Evil Spock.

Evil Spock out, but will be back next week!

Ulterior Motives

2007-10-08T12:55:00.000-04:00

Its that time again to send Evil Spock various queries! Not only that, Lt. Moreau and Ensign Redshirt are here to answer questions too! Submit a question for "Ask Evil Spock" at askevilspock@gmail.com. Evil Spock needs the questions by midnight on Wednesday so that the other Authors of Evil have adequate time to answer them.

It always amazes Evil Spock how deficient American children are in certain subjects. Both The Collective and Lt. Moreau have reported on the deficiencies in the sciences in the United States, and now Evil Spock has found out that American children don't know much about history either.

Children at San Franciso's Burton High School had trouble recollecting information about World War II. For example, some students named George Washington, Teddy Roosevelt, Woodrow Wilson, Richard Nixon and Winston Churchill as the war's main president. Eighteen students wisely left the answer blank.

Evil Spock can understand how some students could forget the significance of Martin Luther or the Magna Carta, but World War II? Steven Spielberg made two movies about it! Not only that, you would think kids would get some residual knowledge via killing Nazis and Imperialists on their Xboxes and Playstations.

Evil Spock enjoys killing Nazis in Call of Duty on Evil Spock's Nintendo Wii.

Evil Spock blames the dulling of America on cuts in the Department of Education. Whilst the Bizzaro Bush administration calls for $700 billion dollars for Iraq, numerous school programs are being underfunded or eliminated. Its no wonder that Evil Spock wasn't surprised when the president vetoed a proposal to expand healthcare to low-income children.

The House and Senate want a $35 billion increase over 5 years to help insure children in poverty. In a Washington Post-ABC News poll, more than seven in ten Americans supported the $35 billion increase. The president used this reasoning on why he vetoed the bill: "I happen to believe that what you're seeing when you expand eligibility for federal programs is the desire by some in Washington, D.C. to federalize health care. I don't think that's good for the country."

No matter how you look at it, the veto tarnishes an otherwise illustrous presidency. On the surface, it doesn't make much sense to go against what the majority of the country desires for children. So there must be an ulterior motive in all this. And after a little ruminating on the subject over Guinness and some blood loss, Evil Spock sees how Bizarro Bush can fix America.

Evil Spock suspects that the private sector will be expected to pick up the slack to provide healthcare for an estimated 9 million uninsured children. Therefore, Evil Spock believes that child labor laws will be relaxed to allow children to enter the workforce, and in turn be insured by their respective employers. Not only will children get insured, they'll also be paying taxes and social security at a younger age.

With a readily available and highly suggestible workforce, immigrant workers will no longer be needed, which means the US can build a super high wall to keep out Mongolian hordes from crossing the border.

Not only that, children can start making their own lead-based toys instead of buying them on the cheap from countries like China. Having children work in hazardous conditions means a shorter lifespan, and in the long run, saves employers paying for health insurance. Social Security also gets the benefit of not having to pay out!

Since American kids are so deficient in history, they won't remember how hard people fought to abolish child labor. Sometimes repeating history can be good for a country.

Doom is such a relative term.

Evil Spock out.

Please be nice to Evil Spock . . .

2007-10-05T11:45:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock has been a bad blogger as of late. Work has been busy, and Evil Spock has had to shelve some blog entries that Evil Spock will hopefully get to next week, which includes Evil Spock's commentary on the White House veto on the SCHIP program, Yogi Bear's great adventure, and Evil Spock's opinion on interweb dating sites.

Actually, if you will bear with Evil Spock, Evil Spock promises a blog entry for everyday of next week. Not only that, Evil Spock will open up the Ask Evil Spock Q & A again since it was so popular the first time around. Plus, you can submit questions for both Ensign Redshirt and Lt. Moreau. Please send these questions to askevilspock@gmail.com by midnight on Wednesday, Oct. 10 2007, and Evil Spock will have said questions answered by Friday's blog.

If these ~~empty~~ promises doesn't do the job of calming furious anger against Evil Spock, Evil Spock would also like to tell The Few that Evil Spock will be donating a pint of blood to the American Red Cross today.

Many of you may ask, "But Evil Spock, why would you give away all that blood, when so many of The Few would pay top dollar for Evil Spock's precious bodily fluids?" Thats a good question, albeit very stalkerish. Let Evil Spock break off some knowledge.

Every two seconds someone in the United States needs blood. This doesn't include voodoo priests or vampires either. Yet, only 5% of the eligible US population gives blood. Blood is needed for emergencies and for people who have cancer, blood disorders, sickle cell, anemia and other illnesses.

Still, many will stay say, "That is very altruistic of Evil Spock. What's the catch?" Another very good question.

For one, Evil Spock likes to build up Karma for when Evil Spock will unleash great evil on the world. And for what is essentially a mere flesh wound, the karma get is well worth it. Plus, Evil Spock gets a nutty bar and a juice box afterwards. Also, a pint of blood removed from Evil Spock's body will make Evil Spock weigh less, and Evil Spock won't have to work out. Not only that, Evil Spock will get good and slackered if Evil Spock decides to ingest any alcohol that evening.

Actually, Evil Spock was talking to a friend the other night. Said friend lived in Ireland for awhile. When you give blood there, instead of a nutty bar and juice, they give you a pint of Guinness. Guinness has a lot of Iron in it, and in theory should be a good replacement for blood. At one time, pregnant and nursing mothers were encouraged to drink Guinness in England, as were post-operative patients.

Karma, free cookies and juice, weight loss, no working out, and getting drunk are all very good reasons to give blood. Though the number one reason for Evil Spock to give blood away for free is for the "Be nice to me. I gave blood today." sticker.

Some might think trading tissue samples for a mere sticker is pure poppycock, but Evil Spock begs to differ. The "Be Nice" sticker is like having an impregnable shield around Evil Spock for 24 hours. Evil Spock can solicit prostitutes, shoplift, and park in handicap spots! If anyone says anything, all Evil Spock has to do is flash the sticker. They will send Evil Spock on Evil Spock's way, so that Evil Spock can commit more petty crimes.

Evil Spock's "Get Out of Jail Free" card. Results may differ for other people.

Evil Spock has to go and give blood now, and then go on a mini-crime spree. For The Few that are pissed off at Evil Spock for the lack of writing, Evil Spock profusely apologizes once more, and if that doesn't work, please reader the sticker emblazoned on Evil Spock's shirt. Either way, after a couple pints of Guinness, Evil Spock isn't going to give a shit.

Evil Spock out!

Louisville Slugger

2007-10-02T12:45:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock has avoided talking about the Republican and Democratic candidates to this point because Evil Spock thought it was a waste of time. Remember 2004 when Howard Dean was the wunderkind iconoclast before his embarrassing meltdown? Al Gore and his pet project the interweb loved him, and then the caucuses happened. And of course the unforgettable scream. If Evil Spock has learned anything, its not to believe in the interweb until the field becomes a little bit more narrow. Because if you believed in the interweb, it looks like it'll be Ron Paul vs. Dennis Kucinich for 2008 (which is actually something Evil Spock wouldn't mind seeing on a ballot.)

Part of the reason Evil Spock doesn't want to talk about the candidates for 2008, is that Evil Spock doesn't want to give them any unnecessary exposure; there are plenty of other more informative blogs for that. But sometimes POTUS hopefuls will do something so ridiculous, that Evil Spock can't resist writing about them for humorous effect.

Immigration has become a biiiiiig issue for the Republicans. With the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan not going well, the GOP needs new technicolor scapegoats to go after. Even though immigrant workers contribute heavily to American society, many on the Right will argue that they put an unnecessary stressor to the US infrastructure. Evil Spock would argue that the Bizarro Bush administration is doing that by inadequately funding things like education or social service programs.

Nonetheless, the xenophobes are afraid that their culture of Big Macs and Ted Nugent will be usurped by empanadas and Menudo, and if there's anything that the GOP knows to do, is to to stir up fear and hatred into votes.

Recently, Republican candidate Rudy Giuliani was seen campaigning at a cheesesteak stand in Philadelphia named Geno's. In June of 2006, Geno's became infamous by placing a sign in their window that stated, "This is America: When ordering 'please speak English." Coincidentally, Evil Spock actually saw a sign like this in a restaurant in Mason, Ohio. Evil Spock is guessing neither of these restaurants accept the peso as payment either.

Giuliani was there pandering to the anti-immigration crowds. Though, as mayor of New York, Giulani was very supportive of immigrants and their good work ethic. In 1994, Giuliani told the New York Times, "If you come here, and you work hard, and you happen to be in an undocumented status, you're one of the people who we want in this city." .Sounding much like single-issue presidential hopeful, Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-CO), Giuliani is talking about building fences and surveillance equipment around the Mexican border. Evil Spock is sure a Canadian fence is in the works too.

Language seems to be a big issue when it comes to immigrants. Its not like people aren't attempting to pick up English. Evil Spock has noticed, at least in Evil Spock's community, that immigrants are making an earnest effor to learn English. Evil Spock witnesses it everyday, as those who have little to no-understanding of the English language are taking time from their second and third jobs to take English as a Second Language (ESL) courses.

Learning a second language in today's world is pretty important. In most countries, English is taught at a very early age, and many people around the world are bilingual to some degree. Evil Spock can understand Vietnamese (can't really speak it), reads French fairly well, and obviously has a good grasp on English too. Americans are pretty behind the curve when it comes to second language proficieny. Hell, half the people in this country can't even speak or write English very well to begin with.

Helping xenophobic Americans to learn a second language might help Joe Six-Pack better understand both figuratively and literally the plight of immigrants, plus it'll make them more marketable in today's world. Evil Spock understands time is precious, and Evil Spock knows that Americans are too busy living vicariously through fat people losing weight on television or following Britney Spears' custody trials and tribulations.

So Evil Spock is doing Evil Spock's best to find alternative ways to make learning a second language easier for them. Evil Spock has been looking into subliminal, liminal, and superliminal ways to get second languages into people's heads, but unfortunately there isn't enough room in there due to American Idol, Xbox, and NASCAR.

Evil Spock was stumped on helping people pick up a second language, but luckily Evil Spock read an article about a man who suddenly became fluent in English, even though he had just begin studying the language, and his skills were described as "basic as best".

18-year-old Matej Kus, a Czech speedway driver, was knocked unconscious for 45 minutes after a car crash. After waking up, he stunned everyone when he woke up and conversed fluidly in English with paramedics, even speaking in an English accent. Unfortunately the strange language acquisition didn't last very long, and he forgot how to speak English in two days.

Evil Spock isn't suggesting that people need to go and crash their cars to learn a new language, rather Evil Spock will gladly take a baseball bat and give a crack to some skulls until people pick up French, Chinese, or Swahili. Evil Spock would like to make Rep. Tancredo Evil Spock's first student. Evil Spock is willing to "teach" Mr. Tancredo via a Louisville Slugger until he becomes fluent, or Evil Spock's arms get tired. Anything to help bridge the gap.

Evil Spock out!

Max Power

2007-09-28T15:10:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock avoided seeing Transformers in the theatre, due to the fact that Evil Spock despises everything Michael Bay touches. There's the right way, the wrong way, and the "Michael Bay way". The Michael Bay Way and the wrong way are the same, except louder and faster. Evil Spock was just going to wait until the DVD came out, and be disappointed at home as opposed to paying admission and being disappointed in public. No one should see Evil Spock crying in public.

Evil Spock just recently found out that Transformers is being played at IMAX Theatres across the country. For those not familiar with IMAX, they provide a screen up to eight stories high, and wrap-around digital surround sound. So Evil Spock is contemplating watching the digital train wreck at the closest IMAX theatre to Evil Spock, which would be Indianapolis, IN. The robots will be bigger, explosions louder, and Evil Spock will get to see an 8 foot tall Megan Fox. That's at least worth the price of admission.

That's worth the 45 min. car ride and $12 admission.

Evil Spock also hopes to get costume ideas for Halloween. Evil Spock found this video of various Transformer fans in transformable robot costumes. They're really quite elaborate and impressive.

Evil Spock is amazed at the nerdiness factor. Could you imagine if these people invested that much time into getting a girlfriend? It boggles Evil Spock's mind. Boggles!

Evil Spock out!

Lt. Moreau: We Still Suck at Science: Let’s Blame Chicks & Hippies

2007-09-27T10:10:00.000-04:00

America is a land of plenty. Plenty of SUVs. Plenty of shopping malls. Plenty of Twinkies! According to a recent report, however, one thing there is NOT plenty of is scientific literacy.

Luckily, Americans suck a little less at science than we did 20 years ago. The researchers found that 28% of Americans understood enough about science to understand reports in major newspapers, as opposed to only 10% of scientifically literate Americans in 1988. I find it disappointing that the researchers overlooked a significant fact: 28% of Americans knew that newspapers even have scientific reports (that may, however, be due to the fact that the science section in many newspapers is right in front of the comics).

The bad news is, Americans still suck at science. Saying that we don’t suck quite as much is like totaling your car and then having your mechanic say, “Cheer up! Your emergency brake is still in great shape!”

But we’re not just dumb, we’re silly. The report goes on to say that an increasing number of Americans are viewing what researchers label “pseudoscience,” as legitimate scientific concepts. Things like horoscopes and alien abductions. And you know whose fault it is that apparently the “National Enquirer” has as much credibility as our freshman biology text? You guessed it: GIRLS. In fact, “female” is negatively correlated with science literacy. Take THAT, Gloria Steinem!

Also on science’s fecal scroll: religious fundamentalists, who typically reject evolution in favor of creationism, and old people, for no stated reason other than the fact that old people make awesome scapegoats because they can’t hear you when you blame stuff on them, and they can’t see you well enough to hit you.

So in a burst of scientific problem-solving, we know what the issue is, so how do we fix it? This leads to my four-point plan to increase America’s scientific competitive edge (MFPPTIASCE for short):

1. Since eliminating women altogether is really inconvenient and could pose long-term problems much bigger than scientific literacy, we need to find new ways of presenting science in our classrooms, in a way that appeals to them. Like Hollywood gossip. Compare these methods of teaching basic astronomy:

Old way: “Our solar system has 9 planets. They orbit the sun. Occasionally, Pluto and Neptune will change orbit paths.”

New way: “Picture the solar system as Hollywood, and the sun as celebrity hotspot Hyde. There are planets that hang around the sun, just like the same celebrities who always hang out at Hyde. There are Mercury (Lindsay Lohan), Venus (Paris Hilton), Earth (Mischa Barton), Mars (Brandon Davis), Jupiter (Britney Spears), Saturn (Jessica Simpson), Uranus (Scarlett Johansson), Neptune (Beyonce), and Pluto (Sienna Miller). And sometimes, when they’re drunk, they cross each others’ paths and nasty catfights ensue!”

2. Ship the hippies off to China to slow down their production rates. Hippies are famously unproductive. Plus, they’ll dig the communism thing.

3. Send the fundamentalists to Canada. Trust me, no one will figure it out, because no one pays attention to what goes on in Canada anyway.

4. Give the elderly one-way trips to Japan. The food is healthier, and at least they’ll be well cared for by robot nurses. Besides, if we don’t keep the Japanese busy, they will take over the world with all of that brain power and work ethic and whatnot. I've already prepared for the Chinese takeover, I'll be damned if I have to learn Japanese too.

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses for processing .

You see, Dr. Miller, Americans may not be so hot at science, but when it comes to cheating, we’re aces.

Lt. Moreau signing off!

Pimping Harder

2007-09-24T12:00:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock would like to congratulate Jessica from Tjunction for winning Evil Spock's "What does Evil Spock mean to me?" contest! Jessica gathered her armies and defeated the field of five. According to the final poll results, Jessica garnered 209 votes over the one month period. Mark from Mondo Marco came in second place, or in other words first loser position, with 188 votes. Word of advice to Mark: pimp harder.

For Jessica's troubles, she will get all the privileges of an Author of Evil, which includes a Star Trek persona and the impending lawsuit from Paramount for having such a name. She also will receive a $50 gift certificate from Threadless.com, and dress like the stylish douchebag below.

Douchebag!

The contest was a not-so-subtle attempt to drive traffic to Evil Spock's blog, and for the most part, it was successful thanks to the sycophantic love displayed by The Few. Or maybe it was just for the free t-shirts. Regardless, Evil Spock appreciates how the contestants brought new sheep to the flock.

Now that the contest is over though, Evil Spock has noticed a dip in the readership via the statcounter. Evil Spock likes to believe that Evil Spock has achieved self-actualization, and doesn't need to feel the love from Evil Spock's statcounter, but at the end of the day Evil Spock is still stuck in the love/self-esteem parts of Maslow's pyramid.

Evil Spock has come to realize that Evil Spock attracts a particular audience, and according to Evil Spock's data, its people interested in panda porn, trannies, Lindy Slinger, and ninjas. Evil Spock wants to capitalize on Evil Spock's populist appeal, and reach out even further by attracting "Furries" to the blog.

Furries are people who are interested in anthropomorphic animals. Think Elmer Fudd being attracted to Bugs Bunny when he dresses up like a girl rabbit. Sometimes those who indulge in Furry fantasies will dress up in mascot costumes and perform sexual acts to each other. There's a real creepy scene in Stanley Kubrick's The Shining where a man dressed in a bear suit appears to be performing oral sex on a well-dressed gentleman. Kubrick is so weird.

Evil Spock noticed a spike in readership, when Evil Spock posted pictures of Evil Spock dressed up as Clifford, the Big Red Dog. Now, Evil Spock isn't a Furry, and Evil Spock has no interest in joining there little underground society. But Furries do have potential disposable income for Evil Spock to exploit, and Evil Spock is all about the bottom-line. Furry money spends just like anyone else's money.

Evil Spock will be dressing up as a cartoon mascot this weekend to entertain children at a health fair as a personal favor. Evil Spock can choose a number of costumes, so help Evil Spock decide which one of these animals Evil Spock should dress up as:

One animal Evil Spock will not be dressing up as is a seal. Evil Spock doesn't want to become polar bear food.

Evil Spock out!

Hypochondriaculous!

2007-09-20T12:20:00.000-04:00

As a child, Evil Spock was obsessed with diseases. Evil Spock would read reams of material on various exotic afflictions and their horrible symptoms. Bubonic plague, necrotizing fasciitis, and rabies are a few of Evil Spock's favorites. Evil Spock used to like the perverse idea that the Earth was a living organism, and diseases were a way for the planet to cleanse itself of its own infestations.

Of course being an evil child, Evil Spock was fairly callous back then when it came to other people and their diseases. Plus Evil Spock felt invulnerable and resistant to disease, as most children do. Plus, why would the Earth want to expunge such quality genetic material that is Evil Spock? Evil Spock felt so invulnerable, that Evil Spock didn't think Evil Spock needed health insurance.

That all changed a couple of years ago, when half of Evil Spock's body went numb and Evil Spock was suffering from tunnel vision whilst in the shower. Evil Spock was in relative good health, but Evil Spock was exhibiting symptoms of a stroke. Instead of calling an ambulance like a normal person, Evil Spock dragged Evil Spock's self out of the shower, got dressed, and droved to the hospital Evil Spock's self. Evil Spock figured that Evil Spock could live with Evil Spock dying behind the wheel as opposed to living and paying for an ambulance bill.

After a battery of tests, it turns out Evil Spock wasn't having a stroke, but that Evil Spock suffers from complex migraines. Apparently, the symptoms are similar to a stroke, minus the possible brain damage and/or death. Regular migraine medication actually exasperates the condition, so Evil Spock has to just suffer through the symptoms. Luckily, Evil Spock only gets them a couple times a year.

Now that Evil Spock realizes Evil Spock's resistance to sickness was a misnomer, Evil Spock's knowledge of diseases scares the bejeezus out of Evil Spock. Its okay to laugh at other people with polio, but now that Evil Spock could get it, it ain't so funny anymore.

Thats when Evil Spock finally gave in and got health insurance. Evil Spock pays so much money a month hoping not to have to use the damnable thing, but at least it keeps the hypochondria at bay.

Evil Spock is happy that Evil Spock's place of employment provides medical insurance, especially since there isn't an adequate universal health care plan in place. If Evil Spock didn't have insurance, Evil Spock does have a backup plan. Evil Spock plans to inject Evil Spock with every disease known to man, and a few only known to monkeys. Evil Spock is talking about unhealthy doses of cholera, gingivitis, and hysterical pregnancies injected in Evil Spock's healthy body.

The theory is all the diseases will be in harmony with each other; creating a perfect equilibrium if you will. Evil Spock has a tough time explaining the sciencey parts of it, so Evil Spock will let the following video explain it.

Maybe Evil Spock should just cancel Evil Spock's insurance, and go with the disease sampler special. Three Stooges Syndrome doesn't sound so bad. Anyone have any doses of hantavirus?

Evil Spock out!

Tootie the Über-tribble: I'm bringing sexy back

2007-09-18T12:30:00.000-04:00

I recently went shopping for a new hat, because I wanted to bring sexy back just like Justin Timberlake in that song in that video dancing around with that hat on his head. That’s the kind of hat that I wanted.

So I brought my manservant, Mr. Paul, and went to the fanciest boutique in town. Unfortunately we were vacationing in the dodgy end of Mongolia at the time, so the selection of the shop was slim. To be completely honest, it wasn’t a shop either. Just some guy who happened to walk by with a big, furry cap on hit head which looked a bit like a dead rodent. The cap, not his head. Or… well… his head did look like that of a dead rodent, but that wasn’t what I was referring to at this particular moment.

“Bring me that hat!” I ordered my manservant. It wasn’t that I really wanted the thing, but I had set my mind on some sort of elegant headdress, and when I get an idea into my head there is nothing that can persuade me to change my mind, no matter how insane the plot turns out to be. In either case, it’s not as I I’m going to do the dirtywork myself. That’s why I have a manservant.

So Mr. Paul chased the hat-wearer down, and once he had the man’s attention, he made the face of someone who had just discovered a broom stuck up their downbelows, went “OH!” and pointed at something up in the sky. This action had the desired effect, as the man now tilted his head towards Mr. Paul in order to see what he was looking at. At that moment, mr. Paul grabbed the hat and ran like a maniac. Before the man could give chase, we were both sitting in a taxi (well, it was more a cart, really) on our way back to our hotel (rented wagon).

Sitting around our little table, we took a closer look at our loot. It did indeed turn out to be a dead rodent… But I will bring sexy back. You just watch me.

Gotta go! Über-tribble powers activate!

Pretty in Pink

2007-09-17T12:15:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock loves guns. The heightened self-esteem and the ability to get coconuts out of trees sans climbing are two major reasons to carry a sidearm. Even with the apparent benefits that firearms provide, Evil Spock staunchly believes in gun control.

According to the National Education Association's Health Information Network, more than 80 Americans die from gun violence everyday. The Center for Disease Control says American kids are 16 times more likely to be murdered with a gun, 11 times more likely to commit suicide with a gun, and nine times more likely to die from a firearm accident than children in 25 other industrialized countries combined. If Evil Spock can prevent children from being murdered, then Evil Spock is fine with obtaining coconuts the conventional way.

Pro-gun enthusiasts will often cite the Second Amendment of the United States Constitution, "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed," as their main reasoning to own guns. Evil Spock also likes using the same amendment to justify monkey knife fights.

A monkey with a knife has the same killing power as a .357 Magnum.

Not only is the Second Amendment archaic, its no longer reasonable. If the US government really does go wacko, or Russia successfully invaded American soil, Evil Spock finds it very unlikely that your local survivalist will be able to stand up to tanks and nuclear weapons with their cache of firearms. By the way, if the "Red Dawn" scenario should ever happen, there's no way Evil Spock could survive out in the wilderness. Evil Spock's idea of roughing it, is a hotel without room service.

Evil Spock welcomes the Commie Overlords. . .

If it was up to the NRA, Evil Spock believes that everyone would be armed to the teeth. This isn't the Old West, nor is it a game of Halo (though the latter would be kind of cool.) And the adage, "If you outlaw guns only the outlaws will have guns" is such a crock. Not only are they conveniently forgetting that police officers will have guns, but countries like Japan that have really stringent gun control laws have almost next to no gun-related crimes.

Since Evil Spock doesn't carry a handgun, Evil Spock finds other ways to defend Evil Spock's self from potential muggers or overzealous fans. In addition to comfortable running shoes, Evil Spock likes to train Evil Spock's self in using unconventional items as weapons. Evil Spock hasn't mastered turning a normal deck of playing cards into projectile weaponry quite yet, so Evil Spock is picking up the art of yo-yo.

Evil Spock first learned about using a yo-yo as a weapon from the Award-winning film, The Substitute 2: School's Out starring the ever-talented Treat Williams. In the movie, Mr. Williams playing the "Substitute", shows a classroom full of hard knock kids the power of the yo-yo by shattering a glass bottle. That movie was full of kickassery.

According to a popular legend, the yo-yo originated in the Phillipines, and their version was large with sharp edges and studs and attached to thick twenty-foot ropes for flinging at enemies or prey. Evil Spock just has a standard Duncan Pro-Flyer yo-yo that retails for about $5.00.

Evil Spock also remembers the a member of Science Ninja Team Gatchaman (Battle of the Planets in the States), also used the yo-yo as a weapon. Evil Spock was hoping it was Mark or Jason that used the yo-yo, or possibly the aberration of nature Keyop. It turns out it was Princess Yun who modified the yo-yo with a bomb mechanism to stun/kill on impact. Evil Spock didn't realize that the weapon was more feminine, but Evil Spock does look smashing in pink.

To further emasculate Evil Spock, here's a movie based on a schoolgirl cop who uses a deadly yo-yo to solve crimes in Japan:

The yo-yo is so much cooler than a gun.

Evil Spock out!

You are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge . . .

2007-09-13T10:20:00.000-04:00

As a child, Evil Spock got into music kind of late. Evil Spock didn't listen to the radio much, and Evil Spock didn't have cable television until college, so Evil Spock missed the so-called music revolution on MTV. So music acts like Michael Jackson, Madonna, and Duran Duran has little meaning for Evil Spock, other than kitsch factor.

Evil Spock didn't really start listening to music until middle school, where Evil Spock was introduced to rap music. Back then, Evil Spock listened to the likes of De La Soul, EPMD, Public Enemy, and a little group called N.W.A.

Hip-Hop was better in those days. Lyrics were clever, and sometimes filled with hidden meanings about racism and life on the streets. Compare it today, where everyone is rapping about the cars that they drive, endless barbecues and car washes, and something called "bling".

In high school and college, Evil Spock got into the "alternative" or "grunge" movement, if you will. Evil Spock went to a lot shows back then, and saw great bands like NIN, Smashing Pumpkins, and Pearl Jam when they were in their prime.

Now watch as Evil Spock's world of rap from Evil Spock's anger-filled adolescence collides with Evil Spock's flannel-covered, long-haired, Doc Marten days of college.

Nina Gordon is an American singer from the Midwest, and was co-founder of the band Veruca Salt back in the 1990's. The Few might remember the band's radio-friendly hit Seether. The crush-worthy Ms. Gordon left Veruca Salt in 1998 to pursue a solo career. She has a softer sound now, more akin to folk music than Veruca Salt's "grunge" sound from the 90's.

Ms. Gordon recorded a cover of the N.W.A. song, "Straight Outta Compton". The N.W.A. album of the same name helped put "gangsta rap" on the map. Filled with violent lyrics that attacked the establishment, it became an anthem for white suburban kids everywhere. Unfortunately Ms. Gordon only did the first part of the song, originally performed by Ice Cube, family movie extraordinaire who's starred in "Are We There Yet?" and "Are We Done Yet?"

WARNING: LYRICS ARE NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!

Straight out of Co...

Ah, nothing like hearing folk covers of Evil Spock's favorite gangsta rap song. Evil Spock is feeling like a cup of Earl Grey and a lemon tart right about now.

Just like Nina Gordon and Ice Cube, perhaps its time for Evil Spock to take that next step in life. Maybe its time for Evil Spock to grow up, and let go of Evil Spock's dreams of world conquership. You know, get the house with white picket fence and start to wear shorts with sandals and socks. Maybe join the local country club, and work on Evil Spock's golf swing. Evil Spock can now look forward to self-medicating, prime-time television, and working until retirement, just in time to afford the comfy casket Evil Spock will be interred in.

Fuck all that.

WARNING: LYRICS NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!

(Hat tip to Chekov. This is how Evil Starfleet rolls.)

Evil Spock out!

Delilahs need not apply. . .

2007-09-11T12:30:00.000-04:00

A former CIA operative, Gustavo Villoldo, who helped capture Che Guevara in the Bolivian jungle (which later led to Mr. Guevara's execution), is auctioning off a lock of Che's hair to the highest bidder. Perhaps the winning person will use said hair to extract DNA and create a ~~Jurassic~~ Guevara Park, or at the very least wear it like a fake mustache and speak in an Argentine accent.

Che Guevara isn't just a tee shirt mogul from beyond the grave. Ernesto Guevara de la Sernagrave, or simply Che, was a Marxist born in Argentina. He's most famous for leading Cuban guerrillas to overthrow General Batista, which helped usher Communism in the tiny island nation. A charismatic figure, he's been immortalized in both literature, movies, and aforementioned tee shirts. Evil Spock recommends viewing Walter Salles' Oscar winning film, Diarios de motocicleta for a glimpse of a young Che Guevara as he journeys through South America.

Evil Spock realizes that if Evil Spock doesn't write on a regular basis, Evil Spock won't be commemorated on tee shirts. People also won't write books, direct movies, or Saturday morning cartoons of a young Evil Spock and Evil Spock's struggle against oppression and adversity. Nor will Evil Spock's hair and tissue samples go for very much on Ebay.

To show Evil Spock's generosity to Evil Spock's precious Few, Evil Spock wants to offer Evil Spock's hair clippings to all of Evil Spock's loyal readers free of charge. Evil Spock's hair is the source of Evil Spock's power, and Evil Spock wants to share that power.

Evil Spock doesn't care if The Few uses them to clone Evil Spock love slaves, save them to sell when Evil Spock becomes more famous, or to create Evil Spock voodoo dolls. Just as long as you don't burn Evil Spock's eyes with hot pokers, you can do whatever. The problem is the last time Evil Spock got Evil Spock's haircut, the follicles got mixed together with other patrons' hair at the salon, so Evil Spock can't guarantee 100% authenticity.

Evil Spock then thought about giving away samples of Evil Spock's shaving scum from Evil Spock cleaning up the five 0'clock shadow, but oddly Evil Spock couldn't find any of it to package. Maybe somebody got Evil Spock's shavings mixed up with a yak's.

For those who aren't familiar with Evil Spock's holy days, Evil Spock believes it Yak Shaving Day. Here's a short video explaining the holiest of holy days on the evil Vulcan calendar.

It doesn't seem like the right time of year for Yak Shaving Day, but there's a lot of hubbub surrounding today's date. Regardless, its business as usual here at The Few, and Evil Spock wouldn't want it any other way. Evil Spock isn't going to do anything special for today, except actually write and maybe put out some coleslaw in galoshes.

Evil Spock out!

Tootie the Über-tribble: Ink-porn

2007-09-05T09:11:00.000-04:00

I’ve been away for a while. There’s a very simple explanation, though: I’ve been in therapy. It wasn’t by choice, more a court order kind of thing.

Dr. Stein had the tremendous honour of analyzing the insides of the fabulous being that is Tootie the Übertribble. Yet he didn’t seem all that honoured. In fact, he gave the impression of having been put out somehow. The man doesn’t even have a comfortable couch in his office, just a boring chair made of fake leather, and he’s put out? Why, I’ve never been so insulted in all my life.

There I was, sitting in this revolting piece of furniture which clung to me in spite of all my fur and I couldn’t help thinking of all the loonies who’d sat in it before, soaking it full of tears and snot and god knows what else. In fact, one might say that I was forced to sit in a large sponge for crazy people’s bodily fluids. For all I know madness might be contagious. And still Dr. Stein was the one who’s put out. All I know is that if stray dogs start talking to me, I’m going to sue the bastard.

“Tell me about your mother,” Dr. Stein asked me and drilled his vacant marble-eyes into where he assumed my peepers were located.

I told him she’d eaten a large piece of cheesecake everyday for a month and then out I popped with my two brothers, Ding (an idiot who lives behind the oven at a Chinese restaurant) and Dong (who unfortunately ate himself to death while visiting Ding).

Once again Dr. Stein looked very put out. “And your father?” he said. His voice was completely monotonous. I remembered reading somewhere that people who were suicidal often sounded like that, and a small hope fluttered in my chest that maybe, just maybe, he’d take a flying leap out of the large window behind him.

“I guess he was the cheesecake,” I replied after having given it a little thought.

The good doctor drew a big sigh and extracted a large pile of papers from his desk drawer. “I’d like you to tell me what these shapes remind you off,” he said.

I studied the large stain of ink carefully before telling Dr. Stein that I thought he might be the one in need of therapy. You don’t just drag people into your office and make them look at pictures of weasels riding Santa Clause like a bull in a rodeo. It’s not proper. Not the sort of thing that you do in polite society and I was damned if I was going to spend my precious time sitting on his body-fluid-sponge, watching ink-porn.

And with that I left. Honestly, the nerve of some people.

Gotta go! Über-tribble powers activate!

Laborious Day

2007-09-03T12:36:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock apologizes for the delays on "Ask Evil Spock", but Evil Spock went out of town after work, and did not have reliable access to the interweb. But Evil Spock has returned on Labor Day, and will now answer all questions post haste.

Disclaimer

The intent of Ask Evil Spock is to offer advice, tips and techniques to empower yourself to make the right decision. The guidance received should not be used as an alternative to professional medical, legal or financial treatment. In the event you use any of the information from Ask Evil Spock, Evil Spock assumes no responsibility for your actions, unless said actions results in great monetary gain, than Evil Spock expects Evils Spock's cut. If your question is chosen, you assign full copyright ownership to Evil Spock. It means that you have given Evil Spock all rights to your question and response, along with the the right to edit, revise, or otherwise publish the question, via electronic, visual or printed medium for promotional, commercial, educational, and advertising purposes Evil Spock deems suitable at Evil Spock's sole discretion. In other words, Evil Spock will whore this mother out.

Reigning Superfan 2006, Kevin Makice from BlogSchmog needs some advice:

I have family, school, and two jobs. How can I survive the semester without psychosis?

Not only are you whiny, but you are an ingrate too. Psychosis is a wonderful thing; its what drives Evil Spock's imagination.

Evil Spock suggests starting another degree, or perhaps a second family to nurture the psychosis to a full-blown mental illness, and then write a manifesto. Chicks dig crazy, artsy guys.

Evil Spock has no idea what Jim Dandy is talking about:

While vacationing in Bizzaro Universe me found hit record called "K COPS LIVE". Recorded at the Budocan't. Was that Evil Spock? Me wants to know. Thank you.

Evil Spock can't remember recording any songs at the Budocan't, but that doesn't mean Evil Spock hasn't. Evil Spock will send the evil lawyers to make sure Evil Spock is getting said royalties for the hit single "K COPS LIVE". By the way, do you have the song in an audio file? Evil Spock would like to know what Evil Spock sounds like.

TC the Terrible is wondering how Evil Spock will run the country in 2012, and how will the Secret Service be dressed:

If Evil Spock is elected President/Dictator will he make all Secret Service agents wear a red shirt while they are on duty protecting him? Or will he merely remain on the bridge while Number 2 does all the dangerous work?

Evil Spock is a hands-on kind of evil Vulcan, so Evil Spock will be on many away missions, especially if said missions involve presidential frisky coeds and roller coasters. As far as the Secret Service is concerned, Evil Spock will make all agents get cosmetic surgery so they will look like Evil Spock to confuse any sort of kidnapping or assassination attempt. Kind of like Queen Amidala from the crappy Star Wars prequels, except Evil Spock will wear a little less makeup.

Dcup from Politits has a pondering about Evil Spock and undergarments:

Boxers or briefs?

Evil Spock wears boxers exclusively, but Evil Spock has a secret: Evil Spock is a "never-nude". Evil Spock has to wear cut-off jean shorts at all times (including the shower) to feel comfortable. Evil Spock was seeing an analyst and a therapist to deal with this problem, but it was taking so much time away from The Few. Luckily Evil Spock found a Dr. Tobias Fünke, M.D., who combined the two services, and is also a never-nude. Here's a short video introducing the good doctor.

Mark writes two blogs (Mondo Marco and mcouture) and is in 2nd place in "What does Evil Spock mean to me?" He also took the time to ask a question. How come the rest of you mooks aren't as hard-working as Mark?

How have Evil Spock's musical tastes changed through the years since Evil Spock bartered away Evil Spock's soul for eternal youth?

As a young, albeit evil, spockling, Evil Spock started to listen to a lot of rap music in middle school. Favorites back then included Public Enemy, Big Daddy Kane, and Eazy-E. As Evil Spock got older, Evil Spock started to wear more flannel and listening to the likes of Nirvana and Pearl Jam in college. Evil Spock liked "grunge" when it first hit the scene as this underground music.

Now Evil Spock listens to mostly independent artists that Evil Spock chances upon at the local music store, Pandora.com, or at a show. Evil Spock likes music that isn't polished, and doesn't sound like stuff you'd hear on the radio.

Evil Spock also likes classical music (probably due to playing piano), big band music, lounge lizard kind of stuff, and bossa nova to go along with Evil Spock's pretentious indie music.

As far as being souless, it hasn't affected Evil Spock's music taste. The only side effects to not having a soul are insolent automatic doors refusing to open for Evil Spock, and crying in a pillow on a nightly basis.

Utopia from Forever Utopia had this intrusive question for Evil Spock. Since Evil Spock picks on India so much (Evil Spock believes Utopia is Asian-Indian), Evil Spock will answer whatever question the eloquent Utopia has for Evil Spock.

Anyways my question is what makes Evil Spock's blogging world go around? What makes you come back day after day and put up new posts without fail? So you genuinely enjoy interacting with people through your semi- make believe identity?

The blog is an outlet for Evil Spock's frustrations, and when you see a bunch of posts in a row, its usually due to Evil Spock having some craptacular days. Rather than treat the blog like a journal, and write about Evil Spock's feelings directly, Evil Spock filters it through a machine, and you get the gibberish you see before you.

Evil Spock does enjoy interacting with the little "community" Evil Spock has created. Evil Spock used to think no one would find Evil Spock funny or attractive without the use of alcohol, so Evil Spock assumes The Few are drunk 24-7 whenever they read The Needs of the Few.

Honestly though, Evil Spock would've stopped writing long ago if Evil Spock didn't have such a fun audience to emote to.

The expatriate from the Hoosier Fatherland, GETkristiLOVE who writes for the world famous Two Minutes In The Box, had a question concerning the cycling and fashion:

I think that while wearing those spandex bike shorts are quite necessary to prevent things like butt raisins and chafing, they can look kind of silly on men - and there's no hiding the size and shape of the package. Does Evil Spock wear them, and what are your thoughts on the matter?

Evil Spock does indeed wear bike shorts, There is strategic padding in them that protects Evil Spock's naughty bits from permanent damage. Plus they wick moisture, and are actually comfortable.

As far as looking silly, Evil Spock doesn't look bad in spandex; Evil Spock feels like a superhero in them. Evil Spock thinks people who don't wear them on bike rides look dumber.

Jazz from Haphazard Life had this pertinent question:

When and why did Evil Spock decide he had to conquer the world (starting with the US presidency of course)?

Because people like Cheney and Bush, Jr. are fucking things up royally, and Evil Spock wants to set things straight.

Oh, and to be privy to DC hookers.

Loyal Pineapple from The Pineapple Report and The Traveling Pineapple had the audacity to encumber Evil Spock with numerous questions. Since dear Pokopo is a loyal member of The Few, Evil Spock will indulge with answers that will blow her sweet and tangy mind.

Do you like pina coladas?

Evil Spock usually refrains from drinks that are decorated with fruit, umbrellas, and/or swords. Evil Spock also prefers drinks that aren't real sugary. Evil Spock's favorite drink is a gin and tonic.

Where's the beef?

It smells like its on the neighbor's grill. Evil Spock misses the taste of flesh sometimes . . .

Who ya gonna call?

Evil Spock's friend Chocobear.

Can you hear me now?

A little louder please.

Who let the dogs out?

Antony, after assassinating Caesar.

How's the weather over there?

Quite pleasant.
89°F
Clear
Wind: NW at 6 mph
Humidity: 25%

And do you have Prince Albert in a can?

Yes, and its time to let him out to breath a little bit.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein from the monkey run Monkey Muck, was monkeying around when Dr. Monkey sent in this question:

Dude, what's up with that?

That would be a zit. Evil Spock would appreciate it if you didn't draw attention. Stop making a monkey out of Evil Spock.

Evil Spock out!

Ask Evil Spock . . .

2007-08-31T15:21:00.000-04:00

Dear The Few,

The much anticipated "Ask Evil Spock" has been delayed until later tonight or Saturday morning. Evil Spock spent too much time at the BMV getting Evil Spock's license plate changed (the lady at the counter gave Evil Spock a dirty look for switching plates) and Evil Spock has been swamped at work. Evil Spock has about 10 questions to work through, and the Q & A will replace this sorry ass message.

In the meantime, enjoy Jim James from My Morning Jacket singing Rainbow Connection. Jim and his band are from Louisville, KY., and we'll call them the #99 reason to visit Evil Spock's old stomping grounds.

Love,

Evil Spock

Who Makes Steve Guttenberg a Star?

2007-08-30T14:56:00.000-04:00

Four blog entries in four days! You lazy mooks, submit a question for "Ask Evil Spock" at askevilspock@gmail.com. The questions can be about anything from personal advice to what Evil Spock had for breakfast. Evil Spock will answer all questions this Friday!

Its that time of year again when Evil Spock has to renew Evil Spock's vehicle registration. Renewing license plates and registration is very tedious, and Evil Spock doesn't like wasting time at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles, especially when there are blogs to be written. Luckily, Evil Spock's father did the dirty work for Evil Spock, and mailed Evil Spock's license and registration. This is what Evil Spock got in the mail:

Evil Spock's father doesn't know that Evil Spock is an agnostic that leans more towards atheism. Actually, Evil Spock's father probably still assumes that Evil Spock is Catholic. The Few can keep a secret, right?

The plate was the brainchild of Indiana Representative Woody Burton, R-Greenville. He loves Christ like a fat kid loves cake. His other Jesus-y agendas include supporting a state constitutional ban on gay marriage and teaching intelligent design in public schools. Isn't Indiana a great place to live?

To get people to turn their cars into mobile worship vehicles, the Indiana BMV isn't charging extra for the plates. In actuality, the state of Indiana is absorbing the $3.69 cost of producing god plates. The money is coming out of the Motor Vehicle Highway Fund which pays for the state police and helps fund road repairs. Evil Spock guesses trusting God to keep our bridges and roads intact is more affordable than actually repairing them. Evil Spock believes that the state of Indiana is going to let Christian Scientists take over Medicaid, since prayer is a lot cheaper than medicine.

A Hoosier hint for Minnesotans: Pray harder.

Evil Spock called the local BMV to see if Evil Spock can swap out the plate for a regular license plate. The nice lady on the phone said they would be happy to, but it would consist of $9.00 processing fee. $9.00 is Evil Spock's weekly comic book allowance. Hm, X-men and the Green Lantern Corps, or putting something on Evil Spock's car that goes against Evil Spock's sensibilities and beliefs?

As Evil Spock was walking out of the comic book store, Evil Spock started to affix the god plate on Evil Spock's Celica. After getting the plate on, a strange feeling came over Evil Spock. Perhaps it was the Holy Spirit invading Evil Spock's body, or maybe it was just a migraine. Regardless, Evil Spock started to have second thoughts about evolution and family values. Not only that, Evil Spock started caring about Kirk Cameron and Lisa Whelchel's careers after "Growing Pains" and "Facts of Life." Now, every decision Evil Spock was making was prefaced with "What would Jesus do?"

Evil Spock also felt like the license plate was lonely all by itself. The car needed ribbons. Yellow ones seem to go best with it. Even though Evil Spock has no children, Evil Spock thought the bumper would look great with a "My kid is on the honor roll at Anywhere Elementary." The pièce de résistance was a cute little Jesus fish with some gibberish written inside.

Certain people were also starting to take a shine to Evil Spock. Evil Spock was getting discounts at restaurants and choice parking spots around town. Then out of the blue, Evil Spock was approached by some well-dressed gentlemen. They asked Evil Spock if Evil Spock would like to join a secret society. Below is a recap of last evening's event.

After attending the meeting, Evil Spock realizes that Evil Spock doesn't want to be a Stonecutter. As much as Evil Spock likes cabals, this wasn't for Evil Spock. The organization reminded Evil Spock why Evil Spock didn't pledge a fraternity: seems a little queer hanging out with grown men all the time in what is essentially bath robes. Plus Evil Spock likes the metric system and the electric car.

Evil Spock will be returning the plate, and receiving the standard Indiana License plate for a fee of $9.00. Evil Spock will miss all the camaraderie and special privileges that came with the plate, but any organization that furthers Steve Guttenberg's career is far too evil even for Evil Spock.

Evil Spock out!

Icky

2007-08-29T14:20:00.000-04:00

Don't forget to vote for the best essay in the "What does Evil Spock mean to me?" contest! You can click here to read the article, or just blindly vote in the poll on the right hand of the blog. Also, submit a question for "Ask Evil Spock" at askevilspock@gmail.com. Evil Spock will answer all questions this Friday!

Evil Spock has come to the conclusion that everyone in the Republican leadership are gay. Well, except for David Vitter, he likes to bang prostitutes in a hetero sort of way.

By now, you've probably heard the lascivious story of Senator Larry Craig (ID), or what Evil Spock likes to call Bathroom Confidentials. Apparently, Senator Craig was arrested in June at a Minnesota airport by a plainclothes police officer investigating lewd conduct complaints in a men’s public restroom. The officer, Sgt. Dave Karsnia, interpreted the Senator's actions as signals for sexual solicitation. Mr. Craig pled guilty to "interference with privacy" and "disorderly conduct." You can read the full arrest report at Slate.com.

Evil Spock doesn't really care what Mr. Craig does in his spare time. Evil Spock feels almost sorry for the Senator, because Evil Spock figures its difficult for a confused 62 year old to find willing gay partners without the use of chloroform. Also trolling for sex in public bathrooms seems kind of hard.

Evil Spock said almost felt sorry for Mr. Craig, because the Senator is a hypocrite. Yet again, there is another Republican preaching "family values", and doing the opposite of what they attempt to force on the American public. Senator Craig aligns himself with groups that oppose gay rights. He even voted for the Same Sex Marriage Resolution to define a marriage as consisting a man and a woman.

Its hypocrisy plain and simple.

Evil Spock doesn't really understand why people persecute homosexuals. Christians will use the excuse that the Bible tells them to hate on gays. They'll use an ancient text that has been re-written and re-interpreted countless times as their reason to force their values on others. Just a few decades ago, some of these same people were using it to say that interracial marriages were wrong too. Quite frankly, the only ancient book Evil Spock will take seriously is the Necronomicon. Mostly because it has supernatural powers and bites.

Other people may just have revulsion towards the act of homosexual intercourse. Evil Spock admits that Evil Spock would prefer not to watch two men have sex. Evil Spock finds it a bit icky. But just because Evil Spock finds it icky, that doesn't mean that gays shouldn't be having sex, getting married, and being happy; its there business. Whatever they want to do behind closed doors is fine with Evil Spock, as long as they're not doing it in Evil Spock's bed when Evil Spock gets home from work. Boundaries and all.

Actually, gay sex is pretty low on the totem in the "ick" factor for Evil Spock. Evil Spock finds ugly, fat heterosexual intercourse much more gross (see Newt Gingrich or Rush Limbaugh). If Evil Spock had the powers, Evil Spock would amend the constitution to prevent slobs from doing the nasty. Evil Spock doesn't want ugly genes to be passed on to future generations.

Evil Spock also thinks that Evil Spock's parents having sex is also gross. Evil Spock wants to amend to the constitution to prevent Evil Spock's parents from having future intercourse. Actually, lets just abolish old people sex altogether. Also, all of Evil Spock's ex-girlfriends and anyone else Evil Spock has ever had a crush on can't have sex either, unless its with Evil Spock. Lesbian experimentation is exempt.

2012 can't come soon enough.

Evil Spock out!

Forever Young

2007-08-28T11:15:00.000-04:00

In life, there are a lot of shortcuts a future evil dictator can take to assure world dominance. Wish-granting genies, gamma radiation, and selling one's soul are all acceptable to cheat your way to the top. A long time ago, Evil Spock made an evil pact for Evil Spock's evil soul. When making this sort of bargain, you have to be very careful and not squander your soul for a handful of beans. For one's soul, some people wish for money, some for power, and others for a rocket-firing Boba Fett prototype.

First you get the Fett, then you get the power, then you get the women . . .

Evil Spock sold his logos, thymos, and pathos for eternal youth, or the Dick Clark package if you will. Evil Spock will be turning 33 this year, but Evil Spock still looks and feels like Evil Spock's in Evil Spock's twenties, minus all the awkwardness of course. Evil Spock believes that money and power will come eventually if you're an immortal. Plus Evil Spock can slack in the meantime until those things happen.

Even though Evil Spock has eternal youth, Evil Spock is still maturing at a somewhat retarded rate. Evil Spock might look like Evil Spock is in Evil Spock's early to mid-twenties, but Evil Spock has the brain capacity of a thirty-something. This creates a cognitive dissonance, especially in social situations.

Evil Spock likes to attend concerts. Evil Spock no longer enjoys over-priced arena rock festivals. Evil Spock prefers smaller intimate venues like bars and sometimes house shows. House shows are typically open to all ages that skew pretty young. Sometimes Evil Spock feels weird attending these shows, but Evil Spock concentrates on the music. Plus, no one has accused Evil Spock of being a narc, and Evil Spock has not been ostracized for committing any hate crimes.

Recently, Evil Spock went to go see Best Friends Forever here in Bloomington, IN. They were featured in a recipe and song post this past Father's Day. The group is composed of BFF's Briana Smith, Jessica Seamans, and Joe Rand. It was a basement show close to Evil Spock's house. There were a lot of twenty-somethings there, but luckily no one under twenty. Evil Spock was pretty sure that Evil Spock was the oldest person at the show. Coincidentally, The Collective tried to catch them in Boulder, Colorado at another house show, but The Collective was scared off by the number of 14 year olds hanging outside of the concert venue.

Ah, basement shows.

Here's the audio from their show. Enjoy!

BFFconcert.mp3

Even though the atmosphere was a bit intimidating, Evil Spock got Bri and Jess to agree to an interview after the gig. Bri and Jess met up with Evil Spock on Evil Spock's porch and chatted a bit. Evil Spock is a hack, and can't remember who said what, so Bri and Jess will be collectively known as Best Friends Forever. Sorry . . .

Evil Spock: So I'm here with Bri and Jess from Best Friends Forever from Minneapolis.

Best Friends Forever: Yeah.

ES: How long have you been playing music together?

BFF: Since we were twelve or thirteen.

ES: Did you go to school together?

BFF: Starting in 5th grade we were at the same school.

ES: I had a friend from kindergarten all the way through college. We lived together in college and just got on each other's nerves.

BFF: We've lived together many times, and we said we would never live together ever again. We're getting better at getting on each other's nerves.

ES: Is Minneapolis the base of operations? Are you planning on staying there for the longterm?

BFF: Perhaps we'll move on. While we're on tour we can scout other places to live.

ES: Is it because of the weather?

BFF: A lot of it has to do with the weather. Minneapolis is good, but it feels like we've been there forever.

ES: There's you two, and then there's Joe ( the drummer). And before Joe, there was Karl?

BFF: Good job!

ES: I do my research.

BFF: And there was person named Allison.

ES: Did you eat the other two drummers while on tour in the snowy lands of Minnesota?

BFF: Karl had other interests. Allison, the same thing. After those two, we'd thought we'd be a drum machine band. But Joe is totally perfect. He's the best thing that could have happened.

ES: What do you guys think about the bridge collapsing?

BFF: That was pretty bizarre. We played our show in Brooklyn. Then immediately after we ran into someone from Minneapolis that was at the show, and he told us. We called our loved ones.

ES: My geography is so bad. The first thing that came into my mind: "The Mississippi runs all the way up to Minnesota?" Then I was like, "Oh my god, people died".

We were at a party the other night, and because what happened with the bridge collapsing, [people were] talking about the interstates. [Someone asked] "Who was the president who initiated all the interstate stuff?" I kept silent for awhile, and then I was "its Eisenhower". [I knew this] because of your song! Made me look smart for like two minutes.

BFF: That's what we're here for!

Bri and Jess chillin' on Evil Spock's porch. Notice the decorative pillow . . .

There's more interview-y kind of stuff on the recording, so if you're inclined, please listen to it. Evil Spock wasn't as prepared like the other interviews, so it was more of a casual conversation rather than a prepared question and answer session.

BFFinterview.mp3

Evil Spock would like to thank Bri and Jess for their time. And Evil Spock would encourage The Few to visit here and buy their CDs . Its good stuff, so support independent music!

While Evil Spock has your attention, don't forget to vote for the best essay in the "What does Evil Spock mean to me?" contest! You can click here to read the article, or just blindly vote in the poll on the right hand of the blog. Also, submit a question for "Ask Evil Spock" at askevilspock@gmail.com. Evil Spock will answer all questions this Friday!

Evil Spock out!

Choose Virtual Life

2007-08-27T09:53:00.000-04:00

So Evil Spock has been "choosing life" as opposed to blogging the last couple of weeks due to a heavy workload at the old 9 to 5. Evil Spock finds it ironic that choosing life almost resulted in Evil Spock's demise this past Sunday afternoon.

It was quite pleasant in Bloomington, IN on Sunday. The temperature was 83 degrees Fahrenheit and hardly any humidity. On this bright sunny day, Evil Spock decided to go on a bike ride to Lake Monroe and back. Part of the route consists of busy I-446. This road is frequented by many people heading to the lake with sometimes a boat in tow. It can be quite nerve racking being passed by a Suburban pulling a speed boat.

Evil Spock is ever vigilant on the road, because there are careless drivers and sometimes malicious drivers that want to do Evil Spock harm. Evil Spock takes the necessary precautions, such as wearing a helmet and carrying a cellphone in case of emergencies. Evil Spock also uses hand signals quite liberally when it comes to taking right and left turns.

So Evil Spock is on I-446, and making really good time on the ride. Evil Spock knew that if Evil Spock turned off of I-446 within one hour, Evil Spock would be back in time to watch The Simpsons, which was grievously pre-empted by the Teen Choice Awards. Evil Spock hates teenagers and their crappy awards.

As Evil Spock was getting ready to get off of the busy road, Evil Spock made the hand signal for a right turn. Evil Spock noticed a brand new, black Pontiac was trying to make a left turn onto the same road. Evil Spock took the turn at about 20 miles an hour, and took it a bit wide. The reason Evil Spock took the turn wide is because there were copious amounts of gravel that could've made Evil Spock skid out and wreck.

Instead of waiting for Evil Spock to make the turn, the stupid driver takes the left simultaneously, and sideswipes Evil Spock. The Pontiac and Evil Spock was in a vicious struggle for dominance at this point. Evil Spock could hear scraping of metal over Evil Spock's expletives when the car and Evil Spock locked horns. As Evil Spock was struck, Evil Spock noticed the driver looked a little like Santa Claus and also that he had a handicapped license plate. Special Needs Santa must've been jealous of Evil Spock's non-paraplegic ways, and wanted to even the score with the world one cyclist at a time.

Miraculously, Evil Spock stayed on Evil Spock's bike and didn't fall over. The guy didn't stop and sped off. Evil Spock was full of adrenaline at this point, and tried to catch up with the car to get a license plate. Special Needs Santa was having none of that, and was soon out of Evil Spock's sight.

About 3 miles down the road, Evil Spock noticed the car at a gas station. The brand new, black Pontiac had a scratch from the passenger side wheel all the way to the end of the passenger side door, probably due to Evil Spock left break when Special Needs Santa hit Evil Spock. Since Evil Spock didn't suffer from any injuries, Evil Spock felt that the Cosmic Scales were balanced.

Evil Spock 1, Special Needs Santa 0.

Even though Evil Spock came off unscathed, Evil Spock realizes that the interweb is a lot safer than blood and guts real life. As Evil Spock's life flashed before Evil Spock's eyes, Evil Spock wondered what would happen to The Few if Evil Spock was suddenly struck down. Therefore Evil Spock is going to choose virtual life for awhile.

In case Evil Spock does get caught underneath a car, Evil Spock wants The Few to get all their questions answered about Evil Spock and Evil Spock's mysterious underground network of tubes. So, Evil Spock is going to open the first "Ask Evil Spock" Q&A. Just email Evil Spock at askevilspock@gmail.com a question, and Evil Spock will answer said questions on Friday's blog. This should also help clear out all the memes collecting dust and cobwebs in Evil Spock's inbox. The questions can be about anything from personal advice to what Evil Spock had for breakfast. Do your best to try to keep it clean as humorously possible.

Oh, and Evil Spock will have a blog a day for the week, to show that Evil Spock doesn't take The Few's love for granted.

Prodigal Evil Spock out!

Choose Life

2007-08-23T09:25:00.000-04:00

No, this blog isn't an endorsement for the pro-life movement. Evil Spock is staunchly pro-choice. Actually Evil Spock is so pro-choice, Evil Spock wouldn't mind seeing abortions to be used to help with over-population issues. Evil Spock would like to prevent a tragedy of the commons.

The title refers to Evil Spock choosing to do some other things rather than blogging as of late. August is Evil Spock's busiest time at work, so Evil Spock can't really blog so much at the jobby-job. The workload also makes Evil Spock mentally exhausted by the end of the day. Couple that with Evil Spock putting Evil Spock's body through the ringer physically with various activities, Evil Spock is much too tired to concentrate on blogging after hours.

Also, Evil Spock has been frustrated with Odeo. Evil Spock has been using Odeo to post audio on the blog. Evil Spock has an interview from Best Friends Forever and audio from their show Evil Spock wants to post, but ever since Odeo sold their company to Sonic Mountain, the service has become quite crappy. If anyone knows a comparable service (preferably free) that supports .wav files, Evil Spock would appreciate it.

Evil Spock should be able to blog more in the coming weeks, so stay tuned. In the meantime, Evil Spock leaves you with this video. You can thank k*funk and her incessant chattering about Evil Spock's alleged love of Wham! Evil Spock has no idea where that idea came from, but it made for an easy blog.

Evil Spock out!

Love me, love me, say that you love me . . .

2007-08-20T02:30:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock hasn't been spending much time in the virtual world, i.e. writing or reading blogs as much lately, because Evil Spock has actually been busy with flesh and guts world, i.e. work. Evil Spock misses all the the denizens of blogdom, but Evil Spock can't live off of your love and adulation, unless you materialize such feelings into cookie form and mail said "love cookies" to Evil Spock's home address for consumption.

Send some "love rent money" too while you're at it.

Oh, and maybe some "love hookers" if you have the time.

Evil Spock isn't saying that Evil Spock doesn't appreciate the adorations that you bestow at the feet of Evil Spock, because Evil Spock wouldn't continue writing if not for the fans and Superfans. That's why Evil Spock decided to reward The Few for their sycophantic lovefest with an unpaid "internship" and free t-shirts from Threadless.com.

Evil Spock guesses that all the contestants spent time at home and at the office typing their entries, until their fingers became bloody stumps, while singing that old Cardigans song "Lovefool" ad nauseum whilst thinking of their beloved Evil Spock to the chagrin of their family and co-workers. Kinda like this:

Out of the ~~thousands of~~ many entries, Evil Spock has narrowed it down to these five lucky individuals:

Mark, a fellow bike enthusiast and writer of two blogs (Mondo Marco and mcouture) had this to say:

Before getting into the evilness of Evil Spock's evil, let's just point out that Evil Spock writes about Evil Spock in the third person, avoiding personal pronouns, like Gertrude Stein or Ricky Henderson. This is surely a sign of greatness. Plus, Evil Spock has a penchant for telling little stories that are perfect in a minor sort of way. The one that comes to mind is the story of the breaking and entering into Evil Spock's car. The thieves only stole some change. They rifled through Evil Spock's CDs, but declined to take any of them. That sort of hurt Evil Spock's feelings, criticizing Evil Spock's musical tastes like that. This sort of writing keeps Mark from feeling bad about wasting his time perusing the internets instead of reading a book or practicing the piano. But back to Evil Spock's evil. The world today is full of hypocrites who roll holier-than-thou, but who, on the inside, are rotten. One senses in Evil Spock the inverse. Evil Spock poses all "eviler-than-thou," but you just can't help but sense that, beneath the malevolent veneer, Evil Spock is a decent chap. He may have a tin ear for music, but he's a fine writer.

A blog reader by the name of Jessica at T Junction wrote this amusing essay on how she adores Evil Spock:

Oh wonderful Evil Spock, there are no words to tell you what you mean to me. Alright, that is a lie, there are lots and lots of words. What do you mean to me? Let me count the...er...way. Evil Spock gives me a reason to get up in the morning. Of course there are other reasons why I get up in the morning, but Evil Spock is one of them. His amazing stories, his weird-but-enchanting personality and hilarious rants are what I look forward to every day. Okay, not every day, but Evil Spock knows what I mean. That's the thing with Evil Spock. He knows what one means and understands him/her. Oh Evil Spock, is there anything you can't do? Along with that stare of his...I feel like I can gaze into his soul. Yes, I know that is kind of creepy from a stranger Evil Spock, but reading about your life is like living life with and alongside you. Evil Spock is so original and wonderfully refreshing...like sitting at an open window on a hot day...waiting for a small gust of wind to blow in because the dumb fan broke down on one of the hottest days ever. Stupid fan.

Evil Spock will one day conquer the world...(wide web)!

Frenemy of The Few, Sideshow Bob over at Music for Dumbasses, had this to say:

I had always assumed this to be a somewhat rhetorical question, something along the lines of "how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?", or "Why are there 13 stripes on the American flag?", or "how come pudding?" However, difficult as those questions are, they all deserve rigorous inspection, and Evil Spock, in that regard, is no different.

Evil Spock means schazenfreude self-esteem. He tells us about embarrassing episodes of his Vulcan youth, which, for some petty reason, makes us feel better about our upbringing, and indeed ourselves in general.

Evil Spock means moohla. His blog is worth, at the moment, $46,856.82; and it's always a smart idea to cozy up to the wealthy.

And Evil Spock rewards cleverness with t-shirts, so there's that too.

So, when some schmuck comes up and asks you "what's the sound of one hand clapping?", display your wisdom with a sucker-punch, followed by a swift kick to the nuts. As your erstwhile questioner looks up at you with a seedy mixture of fear and disbelief is his eye, say "Evil Spock, bitch!" and walk away contended in the knowledge that the needs of the few have been served, so to speak.

Not to be undone, Mauigirl over at Mauigirl's Meanderings had this slight stalkerish essay:

I came across Evil Spock when Evil Spock was commenting on someone else's blog. As a Star Trek fan, I immediately recognized the reference to one of my favorite Star Trek (Original Series) shows. Intrigued, I clicked on Evil Spock's name and found The Needs of The Few. And my life has never been the same since. For not only is Evil Spock a fellow Star Trek follower, he is also a kindred spirit to me in his political and religious views. Each time I click on The Needs of The Few and see a new post, my heart leaps within me in anticipation of yet another fascinating ramble through Evil Spock's views and original perspective on life, politics, religion, current affairs, cats, bicycling, and more. I admire Evil Spock's views on vegetarianism, which make total sense to me, so much so I am considering following his lead, especially since I could still eat lobster. Because my belief in Evil Spock's philosophy and special powers is infinite, I hold out great hope that Evil Spock and the Collective will indeed be running the country after the 2012 election. It is my greatest desire to work on their campaign and celebrate the victory with them. All hail, Evil Spock!

Last and certainly not least, longtime reader niCk (Mem Beth) from This*is*it wrote this philosophical piece:

Life is a mere, momentary sparkle of consciousness in a universe that is unknowingly large and unimaginably timeless. The particles of cosmic dust spark to life in brief moment, then quickly turn cold, and are insignificant in the structure and direction of "creation".

This fizz of life is only detectable as bright and dim static of points, a cosmic effervescence of weak and strong energy.

Remember when you could tune in unused television channels and watch the visual static we called "snow". Sometimes you could fixate on the fuzz and see things, moving faces, ghostly images in the TV snow, and you could hear words coming from the audio static.

Out of the gassiness of blogs, some shine bright, others more dimly, and when put all together it becomes a blogospheric brio which I imagine ideas, thoughts, and voices others can't detect.

Evil Spock is one of the bright sparkles in the static of the blogosphere.

Is it real, or just my imagination?

These were the least insincere of the all the insincere entries. Evil Spock wishes that Evil Spock could have chosen everyone who participated, but in the end there can only be one winner and wearer of various free tee-shirts.

You can vote below, or in the sidebar. The contest will end on Sept. 20th at midnight. Good luck to all the contestants, and thanks to all that participated. Evil Spock has posted all your entries all over the bedroom walls, and now Evil Spock's girlfriend can see all the greatness the blog has brought to Evil Spock.

Evil Spock out!

Distractions

2007-08-16T09:51:00.000-04:00

Only three more days until your entries are due for the "What does Evil Spock mean to me?" contest! There's a coveted spot on the Authors of Evil staff plus a $50 gift certificate from Threadless.com! Time is running out! Click here for more details!

Evil Spock has been playing basketball on Wednesdays at Indiana University's School of Health, Physical Education, and Recreation (HPER). Its full court five-on-five with a bunch of mid-to-late twenties and early thirties guys. Most of them are gym rats and play three times a week. Since Evil Spock has been doing a lot of biking and running, keeping up with them is a piece of cake, though Evil Spock is usually very sore from playing hoops.

Evil Spock is tenacious on defense, which usually makes up for Evil Spock's poor shooting display. And by poor, Evil Spock means abysmal. For the last 6-7 games, Evil Spock couldn't buy a bucket if Evil Spock had all the money in the world. Jump shots are missing their marks left and right. Even when Evil Spock blows by a defender for an easy lay-up, the ball just ends up rimming out. Its very demoralizing, especially since Evil Spock has a number of catchphrases to use when Evil Spock does make a defender look silly.

Evil Spock blames all the serious events in the world distracting Evil Spock. Natural disasters, war, and Lindsay Lohan all tax Evil Spock's mind everyday. These things weighs on Evil Spock's concentration, making basketball very hard. At least when Evil Spock got home last night, one of Evil Spock's anxieties were laid to rest. Dogs are finally getting married.

Evil Spock is so sick and tired of dogs and cats living in sin. Evil Spock is happy to see that people have their priorities straight, and are marrying their pets. Evil Spock hopes one day the world will become progressive enough to allow two male cats (one a tranny) to marry, so that Ollie can use Sophie's insurance to get that sorely needed gastric bypass surgery. Perhaps then Evil Spock will finally hear that sweet string music the next time Evil Spock plays basketball.

Ollie is one fat cat.

Evil Spock out!

That Darn Rove

2007-08-14T12:00:00.000-04:00

The "brilliant" mind that once called Bizarro Bush, "one of the most intellectually gifted presidents we've had," and in return Bizarro Bush called him "turd blossom," is retiring. Karl Rove, the architect of the 2004 ~~debacle~~ election is leaving his post at the White House. Mr. Rove taught Evil Spock every dirty trick in the book. From scare tactics to "swift-boating", Evil Spock will use these tricks to fool the lowest common denominator, and ascend to the White House in 2012.

One of the things Mr. Rove taught Evil Spock in between providing free beer and girls for the homeless was stealing someone's thunder. Obviously it wasn't a lesson learned very well, because Evil Spock has allowed Karl Rove's resignation to trump an important announcement by Evil Spock. Pictures speak louder than words, so Evil Spock will let the photo do all the yelling.

That's right, Sophie has actually left The Few to become a "lolcat" for I Can Has Cheezburger. You may have noticed that Sophie has been absent for quite awhile, and the reason is because he's become a highly paid feline model in the mold of Morris and Heathcliff.

Sophie said he was "deeply proud" to have served Evil Spock and The Needs of the Few. Sophie said its been a "joy and honour of a lifetime" blogging about trannies and pastries, but it was time for him to leave for the sake of his family. Sophie is currently in Moscow visiting his 130 cousins and preparing to consume an old lady, much like what Karl Rove is planning to do at the end of the month.

(tip o' the hat to GETkristiLOVE!)

Hopefully Sophie will return someday after finishing off that woman, because Evil Spock will miss Sophie's presence around The Needs of the Few. But sometimes if you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, punish them severely. Prodigal cat my ass.

Thankfully the contest entries for "What does Evil Spock mean to me?" are pouring in. Evil Spock needs another minion to replace Sophie. The absence of Evil Spock's cat has created setbacks for Evil Spock trying to turn The Needs of the Few into a multi-billion dollar enterprise. That's too bad, because Evil Spock had been planning to buy divine eggplants with messages from Jesus with the royalties from the blog.

The holy food speculation market is astronomical at the moment. Evil Spock regrets not bidding on the Jesus Pancake for $500, especially since the Virgin Mary grilled cheese went for $28,000 a few years ago.

One of the things Karl Rove taught Evil Spock, is that evangelicals are a superstitious, and cowardly lot, and are easily distracted by idolatry, which also includes sacrilicious foods. For Evil Spock to have them forget about Evil Spock's agnosticism in 2012, Evil Spock hopes to amass as many graven images as possible. Thank you Mr. Rove for your sage advice, and Evil Spock hopes you don't choke on the bones of all the humans you will consume on your sabbatical.

Evil Spock out!

Birth of the Cool

2007-08-10T12:59:00.000-04:00

On August 11th, it'll be the one year anniversary of The Needs of the Few. Quite honestly, Evil Spock is surprised that the blog has lasted this long.

Initially, this blog was an outlet for Evil Spock to help deal with issues Evil Spock had tucked away inside of Evil Spock's head. Evil Spock never liked the idea of diary and journals, but Evil Spock did like the therapeutic benefits of writing. So to mask the pain and embarrassment of Evil Spock's life, Evil Spock takes all the painful memories and puts it through the Evil Spock filter. The end product is the mish-mash of words you see on the screen.

When Evil Spock first started the blog, Evil Spock didn't tell anyone about it until maybe 2 months later. Evil Spock didn't think anyone would be interested in this crap. Evil Spock started to keep stats on Sept 13, 2006, and to Evil Spock's surprise, Evil Spock had a whopping nine readers! Probably folks who were looking up Star Trek info, and accidentally meandered to Evil Spock's blogdom.

For some reason, the blog started to catch on. Now Evil Spock has been averaging well over 200 visitors a day for the last several months. A year later, Evil Spock still has the same unresolved issues and some brand new ones to boot. But Evil Spock now has an audience!

Evil Spock's audience means a lot to Evil Spock. But what does Evil Spock mean to The Few? Lets have a contest!

For those who are interested, write one paragraph on "What does Evil Spock mean to me." It'll be like those "What does the American Flag mean to me?" essays from grade school. Submit all entries to askevilspock@gmail.com

The 5 best entries will be chosen, and then judged by The Few via a poll. The winner will get a seat at the metaphorically coveted Authors of Evil table, plus Evil Spock will also give the winner a $50 gift certificate to Threadless.com (who were so kind to donate the certificate). Evil Spock will make you famous and stylish!

Contest rules:

1. Send all entries to askevilspock@gmail.com

2. Try to keep it to a paragraph or less.

3. Only one entry per person.

4. All entries are due by August 18th, 2007.

5. The top five entries will be chosen, and they will be voted on by The Few in a month long contest.

6. You can request your entry to be anonymous, but Evil Spock doesn't recommend it. Stand behind your work Evil Spock will not sell, rent or otherwise transfer any information to any third party, nor will Evil Spock use this information for marketing purposes.

7. The Few hereby grants Evil Spock a perpetual, non-exclusive, worldwide license and right to utilize the entry materials that you submit to Evil Spock in connection with the "What does Evil Spock mean to me" Contest (collectively, "Entry Materials"). The Entry Materials will not be returned to any entrant. Without limiting the generality of the foregoing, you acknowledge that Evil Spock shall have the right to use, modify, reproduce, publish, perform, display, distribute, make derivative works of and otherwise commercially and non commercially exploit the Entry Materials in perpetuity and throughout the universe, in any manner or medium now existing or hereafter developed, without separate compensation to you or any other person or entity. Basically Evil Spock can post whatever you send Evil Spock.

The Collective and Lt. Moreau both wrote sample paragraphs. You can follow their lead, or you can do what you want. Originality is a plus, and humor is the of the utmost importance. You don't have to be sycophantic either. If you hate Evil Spock, spew such hatred and send it in!

What Evil Spock Means to Me (Us) by The Collective

Evil Spock means never having to say we’re sorry again. Before Evil Spock we had no outlet to anonymously make fun of people for their myriad personality faults, sub par physical features, crackpot ideologies, and general unpleasant body odors. How many times have we found ourselves wanting to call someone a “stupid bitch”, only to cower away in silence for fear of an imagined boyfriend/girlfriend who surely would’ve handed our ass to us. Or maybe said “stupid bitch” is into tae bo or jazzercise and could kick our ass herself/himself. We’ve had to hold our tongue on so many occasions due to the assured reprisals. And should something had slipped a torrent of apologies would follow to assuage any anger towards us. No more. Evil Spock has provided us a platform for our scorn of others and their ideas and appearances that allows us to do it behind the cloak of the keyboard. Some industrious and savvy cyberstalkers could no doubt find pics of ourselves, but until you have our address we’re not scared in the least. Evil Spock has our gratitude.

What Evil Spock Means to Me by Lt. Moreau

As everyone knows, this is a world of absolutes: there is Wrong, and there is Right. There can be no hesitation, no mamby-pamby waffling about. And I know deep in my soul that what is Right, is Evil Spock. Evil Spock stands for the great force that will demolish the godless, communistic, baby-eating intelligentsia that drag this nation down, that besmirch Lady Liberty’s virtue and honor. I look to Evil Spock and I see all that is good. I see a nation on its knees in prayer and reverence, a hard-working people united in their dreams of liberty and independence. Evil Spock will lead us to our collective destiny of greatness, if only we have the courage to stand united behind him. He is a man anointed by God, our fearless champion. Shall we rise up and greet our destiny this day? Then let us look towards Evil Spock!

Thank you for visiting Evil Spock. Honestly, Evil Spock doesn't think much of Evil Spock's deranged musings, but Evil Spock is glad that The Few enjoys them. This contest is a small thank you to everyone that makes writing fun.

Evil Spock out!

Late Bloomer

2007-08-08T12:45:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock attended an anniversary/retirement party the other night. During the evening, Evil Spock was involved in a conversation with a mother about bicycles and children. Apparently, her husband was adamant about their son learning to ride a bike without training wheels. The young lady on the other hand saw that her son was struggling, and finally talked her husband into begrudgingly place them on the bike.

Evil Spock believes the child was under the age of five. Evil Spock reassured the young lady that the training wheel situation was only temporary, and that it should boost his confidence and help his overall balance. Evil Spock also related to her that Evil Spock didn't learn how to ride a bike without training wheels until Evil Spock was in the 5th grade.

Then everyone laughed at Evil Spock. And they laughed and laughed. Evil Spock got dizzy, and then excused Evil Spock's self for a moment.

After waking up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, Evil Spock started reminiscing about how Evil Spock learned to ride a bicycle. Evil Spock's first bike was a Murray BMX with training wheels. After awhile, the training wheels came off, and Evil Spock's father would push Evil Spock on the bike, and then let go. Evil Spock would then eat concrete and/or run into a parked car. Evil Spock remembers wrecking really bad one time in front of an oncoming car, and wishing the car would just run over Evil Spock and end the humiliating experience. Evil Spock was probably six or seven at the time.

Slamming into cars was a traumatizing experience for Evil Spock, so the training wheels went back on, and Evil Spock gave up trying to learn to ride a bike properly for several years. Then all the kids in the neighborhood started bike gangs, and Evil Spock was left behind.

As everyone in Evil Spock's age bracket were moving onto girls, Evil Spock finally decided to take the training wheels off at twelve years old. Evil Spock still spent several years slamming into cars, trees, and the pavement, but Evil Spock finally gained the balance and confidence to ride a bike.

Evil Spock is an avid cyclist now. Evil Spock owns a mountain bike and a road bike, but mostly rides the road bike. Evil Spock will put in anywhere between 120-200 miles a week traversing the roads of Indiana. Evil Spock's favorite biking adventure is when Evil Spock rode from San Francisco to Los Angeles taking highway 1 the whole time. Evil Spock needs to do that again real soon.

Biking is a good way for Evil Spock to deal with stress, and it also gives Evil Spock an opportunity to be isolated, which in turn gives Evil Spock time to think of blogs to write. Plus when your legs are burning, and your eyes are blinded with sweat, it helps Evil Spock to forget all the public ridicule Evil Spock has had to deal with throughout the years. Here's some pics from a recent ride:

Scenes from the bike, clockwise from top-left: Getting ready to ride, random Shetland pony, Lake Monroe, starting a stampede.

Its like 101 degrees Fahrenheit today. Time to bike until the heat exhaustion makes Evil Spock forget about everyone laughing at Evil Spock.

Evil Spock out!

3x2(9YZ)4A

2007-08-06T12:20:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock wishes Evil Spock had some sort of superhuman powers. Sure, Evil Spock has unpredictable psychic abilities and was bitten by an enhanced gerbil, but that actually gave Evil Spock sub-human powers. A decrease in normal human strength and the penchant to gnaw on things kind of sucks as abilities go.

Evil Spock's ideal power would be time travel. That way Evil Spock can fix all the awkward moments in Evil Spock's life. That would pretty much be a full-time job. Bad decisions, uncomfortable moments with girls, and ill-advised gambling would all disappear if Evil Spock had the ability to traverse time. The major caveat would be that Evil Spock wouldn't have anything to write about if Evil Spock erased all the painful memories from childhood to adulthood. That, and possibly doing irreversible damage to the space-time continuum by accidentally sleeping with Evil Spock's grandmother or something.

Perhaps Evil Spock should go with super speed instead.

Learning about the nature of super abilities is one of the reasons Evil Spock reads comic books. The other reason is that its a form of escapism from all the crappiness happening in the world. If Evil Spock could gain special abilities, Evil Spock would no longer have to read comics since Evil Spock could then solve all of the world's problems. It's a win-win proposition! Well, except for the comic book industry losing the $40-50 month from Evil Spock's coin purse.

Unfortunately getting superpowers isn't as easy as it seems in the comics. Since Evil Spock didn't have powers manifest at puberty, its probably safe to assume that Evil Spock isn't a mutant. Evil Spock didn't come from the planet Krypton, so the sun only burns Evil Spock as opposed to giving Evil Spock any powers. Aliens haven't come to earth to bestow Evil Spock a power ring or a magic cookie either.

Evil Spock guesses the only way Evil Spock will gain superpowers is by exposure to extreme radiation. The problem with radiation, is that its a 50-50 chance of gaining superpowers. The other half of the time results in death. Even with those odds, people are still attempting the radioactive method.Just ask the Kremlin about Alexander Litvinenko. Vladimir Putin attempted to make a Captain Russia or something by introducing Litvinenko to polonium 210. Instead of being able to shoot laser beams from his eyes, poor Alexander joined Captain America in that big superhero heaven in the skies.

Captain Russia: August 30th, 1962 - November 23rd, 2006

Even with the high risk of death, Evil Spock is still intrigued by the thought of being able to leap tall buildings with a single bound. Unfortunately, Evil Spock doesn't have any polonium 210 lying around. The scienticians have been working on alternative methods of radiation exposure that doesn't involve buying radioactive isotopes or blowing up a gamma bomb in Bloomington, IN.

Evil Spock could visit Oak Ridge, Tennessee and tour one of the birth places of the atomic bomb. Apparently if you're a US citizen, you can have the opportunity to see the facility that was once a part of the Manhattan Project. The Department of Energy still runs a nuclear and high-tech research establishment at the site and performs national security work, i.e. creating super-soldiers. If Evil Spock could wander off the guided tour, and sneak some uranium 235 out, Evil Spock could be flying the friendly skies sans plane in no time!

Of course Evil Spock risks getting shot for wandering off, so it may not be the best option since bullets fired from guns and Evil Spock don't necessarily mix well. The scienticians found another option though. Two dairy farms in Nevada have radioactive milk. Polonium 210 was found in nearby well water where some dairy cows congregate. Officials from Sorensen's Dairy and Oasis Dairy said they will stop selling milk until it is tested for the isotope, and they've dumped over 6000 gallons of milk as of last Friday. Evil Spock is a bit leery drinking radioactive milk, because Evil Spock doesn't want to gain cow powers. Plus by the time Evil Spock gets out there, all the radioactive milk may be dumped by then, and all that will be left is radioactive beef. Since Evil Spock is a vegetarian, irradiated steak tartare isn't the way Evil Spock wants to go.

There is another option that the scienticians missed. Evil Spock was at a party the other night, when Evil Spock overheard that potassium is radioactive. The gentleman said eating an extraordinary of bananas could make you radioactive. There is the problem of hyperkalemia, which is the most common cause in impaired kidney function. But the accessibility to a natural source of radioactive material is certainly appealing, pun unintended.

As Evil Spock eats Evil Spock's second banana today, Evil Spock promises that Evil Spock will use the newfound banana powers, whatever those powers may be, for only the good of society. Also, if anyone wants to have some extra kidneys available for Evil Spock in case hyperkalemia happens, Evil Spock owes you a solid.

Evil Spock out!

Video Killed the Evil Star . . .

2007-08-03T11:13:00.000-04:00

As much as Evil Spock enjoys being the most 3rd most famous Evil Spock on Google, Evil Spock still likes to keep a degree of Evil Spock's anonymity, especially in Evil Spock's hometown. Its one thing to have adoring interweb readers admiring Evil Spock from afar, its quite another to not being able to buy a comic book or grabbing a double-tall soy latte because of thousands of rabid, screaming fans wanting to touch Evil Spock's fabulous hair.

Stupid zombie fans always wanting to brush Evil Spock's hair . . .

Evil Spock is very pro-active when protecting the secret identity. For example, Evil Spock doesn't show Evil Spock's whole face in any pictures. Though, if you really wanted to see what Evil Spock looked like you could print out what pictures there are, and collage them until you have a complete picture. That could be a fun project for your children's art class! Evil Spock also tells very few people in Bloomington, IN about the blog. Even with these precautions, Evil Spock has noticed some cracks in the dam of anonymity.

Evil Spock was filing some paperwork at the day job of do-goodery, when Evil Spock noticed someone had The Needs of the Few's blog address scribbled on a piece of paper on their desk. Evil Spock panicked when Evil Spock saw this. How did said person get the blog address? Will she reveal Evil Spock to the masses? She is a redhead, perhaps she's with the Irish mob? Will Evil Spock have to go into hiding once again?!?

Evil Spock took the blog address, tore it up into tiny little pieces, and ingested said paper. The stomach acids have taken care of the rest. Now Evil Spock is watching said co-worker very carefully. If she shows any suspicious signs, Evil Spock and the co-worker might have to take a long trip to the woods somewhere. Evil Spock better find the shovel yet again . . .

As you can see, Evil Spock will do anything to control the flow of information about Evil Spock's life. But the way the interweb is constantly changing, it may be a battle in futility.

Evil Spock has noticed that video blogging, or "v-logging" is the current flavor of the month. Lots of people are videotaping themselves spouting off manifestos, and posting said videos on YouTube. Before the advent of video, Evil Spock just assumed that Evil Spock was the only real person out there, and everyone else were ones and zeros created for Evil Spock's amusement by the Matrix. Evil Spock now realizes that there are other flesh beings out there, or at the very least robots wearing flesh suits.

Will regular blogging become obsolete? It is a lot easier to watch a video than to actually read. If that happens, how will Evil Spock hide Evil Spock's identity? Not to mention actually trying to speak in 3rd person the whole time? Will Evil Spock become the new Mr. X?

Evil Spock hopes not. Not only could Evil Spock suffocate with a sack over Evil Spock's head, Evil Spock is afraid that Evil Spock's subtle message of world domination will be lost in translation. Plus, v-logging could make Evil Spock less creative and complacent. Why put a lot of thought into the actual words, when Evil Spock can dazzle The Few with cool star wipes and other special effects?

Slate.com had an interesting article on how YouTube has watered down rap feuds, or beefs. Dissing other rappers with creative rhyme (before shooting each other) has been the cornerstone of the hip-hop industry. According to the article, For most of rap's history, one-upmanship has been hip-hop's engine of change. But now instead of writing songs, rappers are posting videos of themselves dissing other rappers by showing off their cars and bling.

Evil Spock will not let The Needs of the Few degenerate into what hip-hop's become. With all the change going on the interweb, Evil Spock will be the one constant in The Few's lives. Plus, the camera puts on 15 lbs., and Evil Spock will be damned if Evil Spock virtually adds on weight after Evil Spock worked so hard to lose those actual 15 lbs to begin with.

Finally, for your listening pleasure, Evil Spock is posting the à propos song "Video Killed the Radio Star" by the Buggles. On August 1st 26 years ago, MTV aired the video for the song to kickoff music television, (which has now become crappy reality-teen drama television). Popular music changed dramatically after videos were aired, and Evil Spock thinks it is analogous to how the interweb is changing. Regardless, the song still rocks, and its better performed live:

Evil Spock out!

Do as Evil Spock says and does.

2007-08-01T03:25:00.000-04:00

Senator David Vitter (R-LA) likes prostitutes. Not only that, Senator Vitter likes to dress up as a baby for said prostitutes replete with a diaper. Evil Spock isn't sure if the diaper is just a costume and their acting out some sort of paraphilic infantilism (or what Evil Spock likes to call Saturday nights), or if Mr. Vitter can't control his bowels because he's so excited to be screwing hookers.

Either way, Evil Spock doesn't really care that much. That's why Evil Spock waited so long to blog about it. Sure, a grown man wearing diapers is kind of funny, but Evil Spock is a little to high-brow for that kind of humor. Plus, whatever Mr. Vitter wants to do in the privacy of the Local Motel 6 is his business. Evil Spock still thinks he's a creep for cheating on his wife, but that's between him and his spouse. As long as Mr. Vitter was having sex with consenting adults, Evil Spock doesn't care if it involves diapers, blood-letting, or ball gags. Evil Spock likes to respect privacy.

What does bother Evil Spock is the hypocrisy of Mr. Vitter. He votes very conservatively on social issues, including gay marriage. On June 7, 2006, Mr. Vitter voted on a constitutional amendment defining marriage as consisting of a man and a woman. That's frikkin' ridiculous. He can't even keep his own marriage in order, and he's wanted to legislate what other people can and cannot do in the privacy of their own lives. Homosexuals should have the same right to be as miserable as Mr. Vitter in a loveless marriage.

Vitter must be fond of the old adage, "Do as I say, and not as I do."

He's not the only Conservative espousing that proverb. You have Newt Gingrich who conveniently forgot to mention that he was cheating on his wife while calling for President Clinton's head for the whole Monica Lewinsky incident. There's Mark Foley who crusaded against the sexual exploitation of children while he texted under-aged boys sexually explicit messages. Or Evil Spock's favorite, evangelical preacher Ted Haggard, who also supports the idea that marriage should be between a man and a woman, smoked meth and received "massages" from a gay prostitute (or what Evil Spock calls Tuesday nights. Maybe it was Wednesday; the meth makes Evil Spock forgetful. Pretty sure the prostitute was a girl too, but its fuzzy.)

Evil Spock is going to call shenanigans on all that. Evil Spock knows David Vitter and his cohorts true agenda: they want to keep the best hookers to themselves. But that's not the only things they'll keep for themselves. Eventually they'll take away your strip clubs, dirty magazines, and your secret sex dungeons.

Its not just sex either. The Moral Majority will go after your gin joints and underground fight clubs next. After they get done legislating fun, they'll go after science and literature. When they're finished hoarding everything that makes life worthwhile, they'll build cities and force people to relocate. There'll be nothing for anyone to do except read the Left Behind series, watch the 700 Club, and go to the Creationism museum in these sanitized cities.

Its already begun, just watch this video:

That town looks sooooo boring. Evil Spock doesn't want to live in these no-fun zones where the strip clubs have been converted to Starbucks and the adult bookstores are Chuck E. Cheeses. Hopefully everyone getting caught with their pants down (pun intended), will make people look at their own repressed sexual natures, and start living their own lives instead of controlling other people's lives.

Because controlling other people's lives is Evil Spock's job.

Evil Spock out.

Evil Spock is your Huckleberry

2007-07-30T03:48:00.000-04:00

A quick question for The Few:

Should Evil Spock shut Evil Spock's self in a room, and blog about previous life experiences, or should Evil Spock go out and grab new life with Evil Spock's jaws and bite deeply until the blood of experience pours out of the wound, drips down Evil Spock's chin, onto the keyboard, and magically form new blog entries for The Few to enjoy?

That's the question Evil Spock has been working with for the past few days, and instead of dealing with it as an adult, Evil Spock is blogging a little bit tipsy to see if the term in vino veritas is an actual truism. Or at the very least, to see if Evil Spock is a less-talented, but bigger douchebag than Bukowski.

Evil Spock usually blogs into the wee hours of the night in an attempt to placate The Few's desire to live vicariously through Evil Spock's meaningless existence, but for the past few days, Evil Spock has been relegated to drinking Evil Spock's self into a stupor for shits and giggles.

Yes, Evil Spock is a bit intoxicated for a Sunday night, but Evil Spock has good reason. Evil Spock went out to go see the band Man Man. Evil Spock thought it was peculiar that Evil Spock was spending $10 on a cover for a Sunday Night band, but it was well worth it.

Man Man hails from Philadelphia. They've been an opening act for Modest Mouse the past year, and are known for their eclectic sound and use of odd instruments. Evil Spock noticed they used a fire extinguisher and party favor noise makers while they performed in Bloomington. The band was dressed like a bunch of Jain monks looking to hasten their own demise. But their music was not the principles of Asceticism, but more like a raucous, hedonistic, guttural punky-rock. Think Tom Waits crossed with Devotchka. Here's one of their songs:

powered by ODEO

Drinking several days in a row makes Evil Spock feel like crap and a bit of douchebag. But what does it matter? 9 out of 10 times being a nice guy doesn't pay off, yet being an arse is typically a win-win situation. Don't ask Evil Spock to explain the logic, its just the way the world works.

Anyway, Evil Spock already has a nice haircut and the air of superiority. All Evil Spock has to do now is pop the collar and Evil Spock can start appearing on Hot Chicks with Douchebags. Sure Evil Spock will be a jerk, but at least hot chicks are involved. Anytime hot chicks are involved, Evil Spock is your huckleberry.

Alcohol and insomnia are obviously clouding Evil Spock's judgment. As soon as Evil Spock is sober, and gets ready for another long work week tomorrow morning, Evil Spock will rethink all of this, and revert back to the non-douchey Evil Spock.

Evil Spock out.

Waters of March

2007-07-27T12:22:00.000-04:00

Some of The Few may remember Evil Spock's general distaste for the cola industries for their promotion of an unhealthy lifestyle that includes soda and their Draconian business practices.

Evil Spock generally avoids sodas except for the special occasion, i.e. root beer floats. Evil Spock drinks a lot of water instead, since its the best way to stay hydrated. Evil Spock drinks mostly water from the tap, but sometimes Evil Spock will buy bottled water when on a road trip, or if it isn't convenient to get a random water bottle filled.

Evil Spock does Evil Spock's best to buy water that comes from natural springs and/or mineral waters. Evil Spock is a big fan of Poland Springs and the occasional San Pellegrino, a carbonated mineral water bottled in Italy. Evil Spock tries to avoid Aquafina and Dasani brands of water though. Not just because they are bottled by PepsiCo. and Coca-Cola respectively, but because its just tap water in a bottle.

That's right, Pepsi and Coke are selling you tap water in extra packaging. At least Pepsi will be printing on their bottles that their waters come from a "Public Water Source", a concession to the growing environmental and political opposition to the beverage companies.

Evil Spock wishes Evil Spock thought about selling bottled water first. If Evil Spock was a bottled water baron, perhaps Evil Spock will be an owner of a solid gold iPhone by now. Evil Spock is thinking about cornering the oxygen market though, by blowing into balloons and shipping "Evil Spock Air" all over the country. Its full of Evil Spocky goodness!

Evil Spock is being facetious of course. Evil Spock understands that bottled water is a convenience issue, mostly because drinking out of random neighbor's hoses like Evil Spock used to as a kid, could get you shot in Cheney's America. Plus drinking bottled water is better for you than drinking soda or sugar-ladened juices any day.

So lift your plastic bottles to your lips and enjoy a little musical treat about H2O. Here's "Águas de Março" written by Antonio Carlos Jobim. This is Evil Spock's favorite version of the song, and it was sung as a duet by Jobim and Elis Regina. Evil Spock finds the song as refreshing as downing a bottle of San Pellegrino on a hot summer day.

powered by ODEO
(Tip of the hat to The Truffle!)

Evil Spock out!

Personal Sacrifices

2007-07-26T12:00:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock can be a bit anti-social. Rather than going to social events and such, Evil Spock would rather hide under a pile of clean laundry on the couch, watching television, reading, and waiting for food to scurry by. Kind of like an ant lion, but prettier and smelling like fabric softener.

The humble ant lion, nature's asshat.

Since Evil Spock started the blog though, Evil Spock has made it a point to get out in the world and experience life in all of its frightening glory. Then Evil Spock takes all of these glorious horrors, processes it into deep-seeded neuroses, and then diffuses it into bloggy goodness for The Few.

Evil Spock is out there in the quagmire of life going to art events, theatre shows, movies, parties, the bar scene, going to nice restaurants, concerts, meeting interesting people, and various travels just for The Few. Evil Spock hopes The Few appreciates the sacrifices that Evil Spock puts forth, because there is a pile of clean towels Evil Spock has sorely neglected on the couch that the girlfriend will sooner or later fold and put away, making Evil Spock homeless once again.

Hopefully there will be another pile of laundry on the couch come Sunday, so Evil Spock can enjoy the thoroughly entertaining Flight of the Conchords. It's Evil Spock's favorite show right now, and is the primary reason Evil Spock kept HBO since the Sopranos went off the air.

The show is about the New Zealand faux folk duo Flight of the Conchords. The band is composed of Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement. The program consists of Bret and Jemaine trying to get their big music break in New York. The charm of the show is their deadpan innocence as they try to deal with love, life, music, and work. They also break into song randomly in some sort of weird fantasy sequences too. Not only that, they busted out a Watership Down reference a couple of episodes ago! If you're not watching this show, you're missing the best that television has to offer right now.

Just like Evil Spock, Bret and Jemaine are willing to make personal sacrifices to make you happy and keep you entertained, if thats what you're into . . .

Evil Spock won't be getting naked for The Few anytime soon, but just remember Evil Spock makes all kinds of sacrifices to keep The Few placated just like Flight of the Conchords.

Evil Spock out!

Tootie the Über-tribble: I sentence thee...

2007-07-25T12:00:00.000-04:00

Today I got to waste my precious time sitting in a court room while being accused of biting some old biddy on the nose. Which was true, of course, but considering that she tickled me all over and called me a “doggie woggie” I’d think it was only to be expected. I like biting people, and since I am The Übertribble, I’m pretty sure I should be above the law. But do these morons realize that? Nooo.

First they bring me into this cramped little court room, with hideous panelling on the walls (the affordable kind; revolting) and a bunch of other misfits, common thieves and prostitutes with their low-brow lawyers in cheap suits and stained ties. I couldn’t believe they would even think to put me in a room with such creatures. Me! I was shocked. I didn’t get to sit with my manservant, Mr. Paul, who had brought pillows, fans and lemonade to keep me cool and comfortable during the proceedings. I didn’t even get to go first. I had to sit there and listen to some idiot lawyer trying to convince the judge that “No, his client had never stuck photographs of his willy through his neighbours letterbox,” while said client searched his nostrils for hidden treasure.

When it was finally my turn, the judge seemed to regard me as some sort of diseased rodent. Again I was shocked. I figured that there was only one thing left to do: I had to leap on top of his head and use my very special abilities to suck his mind right out of his head and make him my soulless puppet. I like those.

So I braced myself, leaped through the air as gracefully as a ballerina in perfectly fitting spandex tights and landed on his bald head with a soft swish. Then I kept swishing right down the back of his head and landed behind his chair where I accidentally swallowed a dust bunny. It was very unpleasant. Honestly, what kind of narcissistic dim-wit waxes his head? It was like trying to land on a bowling isle.

Convinced at last that I was neither a dog nor some sort of escaped lab creature, the judge decided that therapy would be the best thing for me. I decided that it would be best for him not to start his car for a couple of weeks.

Gotta go! Über-tribble powers activate!

Idle Hands

2007-07-24T02:33:00.000-04:00

As the president went under the knife on Saturday for a colonoscopy, he relinquished his presidency to his dark lord and master, Dick Cheney. This was the second time the president bestowed the mantle of president to the veep, and once again Cheney squandered his tenure.

During Bizarro Bush's medical procedure, Cheney spent his absolute power in Chesapeake Bay teaching his dogs how to be racist or something. What a crock! If Evil Spock was Cheney, Evil Spock would've done something like reverse time Superman-style, or invite Megan Fox to the Oval Office to have her audition for Evil Spock's version of Transformers.

Evil Spock has written a very specific role for Ms. Megan Fox.

Idle hands are the devil's tools, but Evil Spock guesses if you are the devil, you can be as idle as you want and teach your dogs to hate immigrants. Evil Spock can guarantee you that Evil Spock wasn't idle. Since Cheney got promoted to POTUS, someone had to run Cheney's shadowy fourth branch of government, and Evil Spock rose to that occasion.

Since all or Cheney's cohorts are running around trying not to get sent to jail, Dick Cheney decided to call on Evil Spock to run his branch of government. Even though Evil Spock isn't as evil as Mr. Cheney, Evil Spock is well-qualified to run the fourth branch. After all, Evil Spock does write a half-assed blog and has the first name Evil.

The fourth branch is actually pretty cool. It's like the central headquarters from Men in Black, except there aren't any minorities and everyone is really old. Plus there are ninjas everywhere. Evil Spock likes ninjas.

Since Cheney didn't want Evil Spock to muck things up too much, Mr. Cheney sent Evil Spock to do some busy work: finding weapons of mass destruction. Pretty much a snipe hunt, but Evil Spock was still game. Evil Spock thought Evil Spock would have to head to the Middle East or North Korea in a couple of hours to find some WMD's. Luckily Evil Spock found some weapons much closer.

It appears that a Patriot missile was found in a Tampa, Florida scrapyard. Not only that, the ninjas found an empty rocket launcher tube in Jersey City, New Jersey. After hearing these two ludicrous but true stories, Evil Spock could only come to one conclusion: New Jersey and Florida were harboring terrorists, and Evil Spock would have to invade both states.

To prepare for war, Evil Spock gathered intelligence in the form of Sopranos reruns to study Jersey culture, and the movies Scarface and Ace Ventura: Pet Detective to get a better handle on the situation in Florida. After being debriefed, Evil Spock knew that fighting a war on two fronts was a bad idea, but Evil Spock would rather fight the terrorists there, then to fight them in Bloomington, Indiana.

Unfortunately, the president's procedure only lasted a couple of hours, and everything was back to ~~being fucked up~~ normal. Cheney went back to his ninjas, and relieved Evil Spock of Evil Spock's duties, and Evil Spock's plans for invading New Jersey and Florida (aka America's Wang) were soon forgotten.

Just remember, Evil Spock was hard at work protecting The Few from terrorist attacks and not spending time at the pool or going hiking this past weekend. That's why Evil Spock was tardy with the blogging the last couple of days. Evil Spock swears on it.

Evil Spock out.

Marketing Geniuses

2007-07-20T12:00:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock has typically avoided big summer blockbusters as of late. No matter what these directors promise to deliver, Evil Spock is more or less disappointed and $20 lighter (two tickets, tub of corn, soda pop). Its a shame too, because Hollywood is paying attention to Evil Spock's demographic, ~~socially awkward shut-ins who still read comics and have collections of toys~~ erudite, intelligent, and evil Vulcans who have diverse interests.

But every time Evil Spock hears about some sort of precious childhood memory being committed to celluloid, Evil Spock just remembers all the other instances where directors and studios fumbled said memories scarring Evil Spock for life.

For example, Evil Spock was a big fan of the original Star Wars Trilogy. Evil Spock has probably seen those three movies over a hundred times since childhood. Then George Lucas started tinkering. At first it wasn't that big of a deal. Some new CG effects and some deleted scenes. Even though Mr. Lucas made Han shoot first, Evil Spock didn't mind that so much.

Then he released the Phantom Menace. Evil Spock remembers camping out for tickets for the first of the prequels. Evil Spock was so excited to re-visit that galaxy so far, far away. Once Evil Spock was finally seated, Evil Spock heard the familiar John Williams theme and marveled at the scrolling words. Evil Spock was so excited.

Then came Jar Jar Binks. And the boring senate scenes (though the cameo of ET: The Extra Terrestrial was a treat). Not to mention ruining the mystical nature of the force with mitochlorians. And the kid playing Anakin Skywalker was slightly annoying.

Evil Spock was devastated. But you're allowed to make a mistake, and Evil Spock was excited about The Attack of the Clones. Ever since Alec Guinness's Ben Kenobi mentioned the Clone Wars in the original trilogy, Evil Spock's imagination ran wild. Evil Spock also camped out for these tickets, only to be disappointed again. Not to mention frikkin' whiny Hayden Christensen. Evil Spock hates him so much.

Evil Spock didn't camp out for the third film, though Evil Spock did watch it on opening weekend. That movie sucked too. What really ruined the franchise though, is how George Lucas let the putridness of the prequels seep into the original trilogy. Like how Hayden Christensen's suckitude appears in Return of the Jedi. Did Evil Spock mention how much Evil Spock hates Mr. Christensen?

Now back to the present. Evil Spock has seen one summer blockbuster this year, and it was Spider-Man 3, which Evil Spock was seriously under-whelmed, especially after the excellence of the first two films. The director, Sam Raimi, is a personal hero of Evil Spock's, so Evil Spock will blame the suits involved in that movie. The other big blockbuster Evil Spock is interested in is Transformers.

Evil Spock absolutely adores Transformers. Evil Spock has the first season on DVD, the original 1986 movie (which Evil Spock forced the girlfriend to watch the other night), and a plethora of toys from childhood. Evil Spock even had the boxes to said toys until Evil Spock's evil mom threw them in the garbage much to the chagrin of Evil Spock. Evil Spock remembers choking back tears when Evil Spock found out about the transgression. By the way, that was like last year.

They're worth a shitload of money with the boxes! Nothing wrong with a thirty something getting broken up about their Autobots and Decepticons!

As you can see, Transformers means a lot to Evil Spock, and Evil Spock is afraid to see the new flick because the much hated Michael Bay (Bad Boys II, Armageddon) was at the helm. Everything Mr. Bay touches turns to crap. Except when Mr. Bay touches crap, then it turns into ice cream. Crap is cyclical like that. Go figure.

Almost nothing could get Evil Spock to see this movie, then Evil Spock saw this headline on Reuters: Transformer explosion rocks midtown Manhattan.Those sick geniuses at Dreamworks are marketing marvels. They actually injured folks just to get Evil Spock into a movie theater! Evil Spock wonders if they blew up Prowl or Brawn.

Evil Spock will relent, and attempt to see the film sometime this weekend. Regardless, Evil Spock realizes that the new Transformers will never measure up to the 1986 animated classic Transformers: The Movie. Unlike the animated classic, its missing a significant amount of Stan Bush.

Evil Spock gets chills every time Optimus says, "Megatron must be stopped, no matter the cost."

Evil Spock out!

Barbershop

2007-07-18T01:50:00.000-04:00

When Evil Spock was in high school, it was important for Evil Spock to attain an Honors Diploma so that Evil Spock's parents could slap a bumper sticker on their car saying that Evil Spock was smarter than their neighbor's kid.

To get one of these coveted bumper stickers, Evil Spock had to take a plethora of honors classes, take gym over the summertime to make room for more honors classes during the school year, and to take some sort of arts class.

Evil Spock has some musical inclination. Evil Spock used to play piano, can read music quite well, and also had a pretty good singing voice. Evil Spock decided to take a year and perform with the high school concert choir to complete the arts requirement for the Honors Diploma.

Even though Evil Spock has a high-speaking voice, Evil Spock's singing range was actually baritone (bass-tenor). During this stint with the concert choir, Evil Spock was talented enough to be a part of a madigral group that performed at competitions a cappella. Not only that, Evil Spock got to wear satin robes like some sort of priest or fat person.

Feel free to start making cracks on Evil Spock's sexuality right about . . . now.

Finished yet?

Okay, five more minutes.

Now back to your blog in progress.

Perhaps that's why Evil Spock enjoys the character Ted and his band The Blanks on the comedy show Scrubs so much. They're the reoccurring barbershop quartet on the tv program. They perform the theme song too. The a cappella harmonization reminds Evil Spock of a simpler time when Evil Spock's dreams of world conquest was second to not getting beat up while wearing a satin robe in public.

Here's a video of the group performing:

Over the Rainbow was actually the song Evil Spock had to audition with for concert choir. Sadly, years of lapsed voice training (other than in the shower) has reduced Evil Spock's singing voice to a shell of its former self. Unfortunately, Evil Spock will not be starting a bitching barbershop quartet anytime soon, and tour the country in some sort of robe or muumuu to thrill The Few in ways like never before.

An evil Vulcan can dream . . .

Evil Spock out.

Dog Days of Summer

2007-07-16T01:30:00.000-04:00

Its been unseasonably pleasant in Bloomington. Sure, its still in the mid to upper 80 degrees Fahrenheit, but it isn't in the 90's with unbearable humidity. Technically, Evil Spock should be experiencing what is commonly known as the "dog days of summer". Its the period between between July 3rd and August 11th, where its the hottest and muggiest days of the year.

The term "dog days" comes from the ancient Romans and their love of constellations. The brightest star in Canis Major is Sirius (now you know where the satellite radio company is named after). Sirius is in conjunction with the sun during the dog days, and the Romans believed that Sirius was adding heat along with the sun to make it super-hot for them.

To avoid heat exhaustion or heat stroke during these times, The Few should slow down, drink plenty of liquids, and be outside only when The Few needs to be. The heat does funny things to folks. Just look at David Berkowitz, aka Son of Sam. In the hot summer of 1977 Mr. Berkowitz was told by a neighbor's dog to kill all those people.

Insanity runs pretty rampant during the summer. Maybe that's why a crazed dog didn't run away when a Chinese villager named Geng tossed watermelons at it to protect his puppy. Geng's poor pup was being accosted by a fierce dog. After tossing the melons wasn't working out for Geng, he threw himself on top of the dog and bit down on the dog's neck. After wrestling with the dog for 10 mins., Geng killed the offending canine and saved his puppy.

You'd think Geng would get a rake or a shovel to attack the dog, rather than actually tearing the dog apart with his teeth. Then again, perhaps Geng knew the Korean myth about gaegogi and how its supposed to cool you off during the summertime.

Gaegogi means dog meat, and over 2 million dogs in South Korea are converted to gaegogi in a given year. Eating dog was a common practice when South Korea was mostly rural and poor. There are less Koreans that eat dog these days, but people still do out of tradition and the belief that dog meat can help cool the body during the Bok days, or hot days of summer.

Evil Spock is not Korean, nor does Evil Spock eat dog. If Evil Spock's dietary rules were put to the test, Evil Spock might have to eat dog some day if Evil Spock is invited over to a Korean household and they decided to serve some bosintang (dog soup).

A heaping bowl of dog soup.

Korea isn't the only country to consume dog meat. According to Wikipedia, many parts of Asia, Africa, the Americas, and Europe partake in eating dog. Some Native American tribes consumed dog meat, notably the Sioux and Cheyenne. Not to mention those who used sled dogs for meat when it came down to the last resort in the Pacific Northwest.

Even with so many different cultures killing and eating dogs, its still a big taboo in Western cultures. Why is that? Pigs are just as smart dogs, and some people even keep pigs as pets, so intelligence and companionship shouldn't be the sticking point.

Plus, According to a 2003 Harris poll, there are about 3-4% of the US population that is pure vegetarian/vegan. That's a level of hypocrisy there. So many of those who are protesting eating dog are sitting there stuffing said faces with McDonald's hamburgers to the dismay of Hindus everywhere (they find cows sacred, plus 20% of their population is vegetarian).

Its cultural elitism at its best. And saying its gross is not a reason either. The best way to solve this moral dilemma is to go veggie all together, or do what Evil Spock is doing. Evil Spock is always right.

Hm, Evil Spock went from the summer heat, to ancient Rome and constellations, to Son of Sam, a man bites dog story, to eating dog, and finally an endorsement on vegetarianism. Evil Spock rules.

Evil Spock out!

Bovine University

2007-07-13T13:45:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock has stated a few times that Evil Spock is a vegetarian, but for those who follow the blog, many of The Few may have found some contradictions in Evil Spock's diet. This blog will help clarify Evil Spock's diet, since The Few cares so much about Evil Spock, and might want to emulate the Evil Spock lifestyle. Evil Spockiness is next to Godliness, or as close to God as you can get when you're an agnostic.

Evil Spock is a semi-vegetarian. To be more specific, Evil Spock is a lacto-ovo-pesci-vegetarian. Pretty much Evil Spock consumes milk, cheese, eggs, and seafood. To help clarify, Evil Spock doesn't eat any thing higher than a fish in the animal kingdom; frogs and higher are safe from Evil Spock's appetite. Also, Evil Spock buys local and organic whenever possible.

Don't worry axolotl, Evil Spock can't eat you . . .

Evil Spock believes that there are three reasons guys become vegetarian:

1. Health. The American Dietetic Association (ADA) has officially endorsed vegetarianism, stating "appropriately planned vegetarian diets are healthful, are nutritionally adequate, and provide health benefits in the prevention and treatment of certain diseases."

2. Ethical reasoning. There's a lot wrong with the industry that puts bologna in your sandwiches and hot dogs in your buns. Animal cruelty and a strain on the environment are just a couple of reasons not to eat meat.

3. For a girl. 90% of male vegetarians stop eating meat because of a girl. Evil Spock made up that last statistic, but it looks accurate to Evil Spock.

Evil Spock is a vegetarian for mostly ethical reasons, and enjoys the benefits of the healthy aspect. Evil Spock didn't do it for a girl, because Evil Spock started becoming a vegetarian whilst dating the current girlfriend who eats all manners of flesh. Perhaps Evil Spock became a vegetarian to spite the girlfriend. Evil Spock does lots of spiteful things.

Because Evil Spock likes rules, Evil Spock came up with a philosophy behind Evil Spock's vegetarianism. Basically Evil Spock won't eat anything Evil Spock isn't willing to kill Evil Spock's self. Since Evil Spock has no problems killing fish (Evil Spock does it all the time inadvertently in Evil Spock's aquarium), Evil Spock is allowed to eat seafood. Evil Spock couldn't stomach gutting a live chicken or taking a jackhammer to a cow's skull though, so those are definitely off Evil Spock's menu.

Evil Spock believes when you completely remove yourself from the intimate process of slaying your food, then you can't really appreciate what goes into your body. Now Evil Spock isn't suggesting that you need to start slitting throats of cows and lambs in your backyard, but that you're willing to do it once, and then you can have other people do it for you. At the very least, you should visit a slaughterhouse and see how your food is prepared, just like ~~Bobby~~ Jimmy.

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Ah, Evil Spock remembers dreaming about going to Bovine University. . . .

There are exceptions to every rule, and Evil Spock has a few in Evil Spock's diet. Here they are:

1. When Evil Spock comes to dinner at your house, and you weren't aware of Evil Spock's vegetarianism (which means you don't read the blog, for shame), Evil Spock will graciously eat whatever you're preparing. Evil Spock believes that being a polite guest is more important than Evil Spock's diet for one night.

2. When the girlfriend buys something with meat in it, and doesn't finish it in a timely manner, Evil Spock may eat said girlfriend's meal. Because if she throws the food out, then the delicious life she took would be wasted.

3. When Evil Spock is in a different culture/country/restaurant, Evil Spock likes to try exotic cuisine, because Evil Spock has an adventurous palate. For example, the dim sum restaurant in Chicago.

4. Survival. If Evil Spock was trapped on the ice planet Hoth freezing to death, Evil Spock would gut you like a TaunTaun to keep warm, and proceed to eat you until help arrives.

So there you have it, Evil Spock's veggie lifestyle in a nutshell. If you'd like to learn more about being a veggie, Evil Spock suggests reading Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle" and "Fast Food Nation" by Eric Schlosser. If you're too lazy to read, there's a comedy based on Schlosser's book, plus Morgan Spurlock's "Super Size Me" is an excellent movie to watch too. If you don't have the attention span for that, wait until "Lisa the Vegetarian" gets rerun on The Simpsons.

Evil Spock out!

Waiting for #3 . . .

2007-07-12T11:48:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Evil Spock woke up to find that Evil Spock's car was broken into. Perhaps "broken into" is the wrong phrase to use, since Evil Spock isn't smart enough to lock the car every night. Lets just say Evil Spock's car got "perused". That seems more appropriate.

Evil Spock lost an iPod charger, cell phone charger, and a whole lot of change. Who the hell steals change?!? Evil Spock could've sworn it was mostly pennies too! How is Evil Spock going to buy gumballs and pay for tolls now? You'd think that these transgressions would be bad enough, but the pilferers slighted Evil Spock even further.

Evil Spock's CD's were strewn all over the passenger side seat. They must've went through Evil Spock's entire collection, and yet not a music disc was taken. Those no-culture, punk kids pretty much left the message that they weren't down with Evil Spock's music! Stupid punk kids and their sucky music tastes.

To help Evil Spock get through this tough time, Evil Spock decided to go on an extra long bike ride to make Evil Spock feel better. The bike ride was going all fine and dandy, but towards the tail end, some punk kids tried to throw a cup of soda at Evil Spock. Luckily their aim was as bad as their probable music taste, as they missed Evil Spock by quite a bit.

Since Evil Spock was already a little pissy, Evil Spock gave the appropriate hand sign hoping they'd pull over so Evil Spock could rip out some throats with Evil Spock's bike cleat. Its a good thing they didn't, and not because Evil Spock doesn't need to be sent to the gulag, but also because there were three guys in the car, and Evil Spock would have enjoyed the rest of the bike trip in the back of an ambulance.

For the most part, you shouldn't taunt someone in a larger vehicle. For example, someone in a Miata, shouldn't fuck with a semi. Evil Spock trying to pick a fight with a car is just a bad idea. Not only were there three guys that would've put Evil Spock in a coma, Evil Spock can't out-bike a car, and they could've just run Evil Spock over with their vehicle. When you're on a bike, you're only allowed to pick on pedestrians, unicyclists, and kids on big wheels.

All kidding aside, "road rage" is a big problem in the world today. Just type road rage into Google News, and The Few will find a myriad of stories of people who can't control themselves. From fist fights to attempted murder, Evil Spock doesn't need to get involved with such messiness.

Since bad things come in three, and Evil Spock has already had two, Evil Spock is hoping the third bad thing happens soon. With Friday the 13th coming up, Evil Spock is sure that the 3rd thing will be multiplied by 13, and Evil Spock will really be screwed. So if anyone sees Evil Spock walking down the street, kick Evil Spock in the shins or punch Evil Spock, but not in the face or the genitals. You'll be doing Evil Spock a favor, because Evil Spock doesn't want to tempt fate.

Evil Spock out.

Tootie the Über-tribble: I'm not a dog, dammit!

2007-07-11T11:15:00.000-04:00

I’ve been away for a while, and I know that you all must have missed me terribly. Didn’t you? (And remember that your answers to this question will have consequences). It’s not that I wanted to take a vacation, but one was pretty much forced upon me.

It all started about three weeks ago, when I was sitting on a park bench whilst contemplating the meaning of life (money and power) with my manservant, Mr. Paul. The sun was shining, some big kids were kicking a smaller one and calling him names, ducks were swimming around in the pond. I was about to order Mr. Paul to catch me a couple of ducks for dinner, when a little, old woman started staggering towards us on her short, stubby legs. Next thing I know, she’s bending over me, scratching me all over while cooing to Mr. Paul about what an adorable little doggie-woggie he’s got and forcing the smell of peppermint and mothballs into my delicate nostrils.

There is really only one good cause of action to punish such a terrible violation of privacy – not to mention referring to Tootie the Übertribble, future master of the universe as an adorable doggie-woggie. I bit her. I enjoy biting people, so I was rather cheerful on our way home, despite the intrusion and the lack of fresh ducks for my dinner.

However, we’d only made it halfway to my mansion when we were all of a sudden surrounded by policemen, waving nets at me. Not ten minutes later, I was being rushed towards the pound in the back of a rather smelly truck. Then they stuck me in a little cage in between a Boxer and a Chihuahua wearing some ridiculous diamond studded collar with the word “Tinkerbell” on it.

Mr. Paul might be the softest cherry in the whole damn jar, but he did eventually manage to convince the idiots that I wasn’t a rabid dog, just a ill-tempered Übertribble. You’d think that would take care of everything, wouldn’t you? You’d think that they would start to grovel before me and beg me not to punish them terribly for insulting me. But it didn’t. I have to go stand before some fat judge with a greasy comb-over and explain myself. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Bah!

Gotta go. Über-tribble powers activate!

Failure to Thrive

2007-07-10T03:00:00.000-04:00

When Evil Spock left on sabbatical a couple weeks ago, Evil Spock realizes that Evil Spock abandoned The Few without prior warning. Leaving the fans and Superfans to their own devices is basically neglect, and Evil Spock apologizes profusely.

Evil Spock realizes that nurturing The Few is critical in the first couple years of the blog. This is where the fanbase grows and the blog gains momentum. Evil Spock doesn't want to create a situation where The Few experience a failure to thrive, and become intellectually malnourished. That's fan abuse plain and simple.

If Evil Spock was a better parent, Evil Spock would have bought The Few a video game console system whilst Evil Spock was away on vacation. That way the absence of Evil Spock wouldn't sting so badly. Now Evil Spock wouldn't buy The Few one of those bloated, fat-inducing Microsoft and Sony products, rather Evil Spock would buy The Few the more popular Nintendo Wii.

The Nintendo Wii is the miracle product for the new century. Evil Spock should know, since Evil Spock camped out for one back in November. Not only does it entertain young and extremely old alike, its been credited with weight loss and attempting to make you smarter. Evil Spock has also heard that the Wii has the potential to fight cancer!

Apparently Cigna Corp. has a video game called "Re-Mission". The game allows people to destroy cancer cells while learning how to beat the disease. According to Dr. Glenn Pomerantz, "'Re-Mission' has demonstrated that video games have the power to help teenagers better adhere to their cancer treatment and embrace key behaviors that improve their health and quality of life."

Early studies shows that "Re-Mission" actually increases quality of life and knowledge and confidence on how to deal with cancer.

Mario 1, Cancer 0.

Evil Spock wishes the Wii was available to Evil Spock as a child, with its potential to fight cancer and obesity. Nonetheless, Evil Spock did have video games growing up, and one of Evil Spock's faves was Tetris.

Tetris also had its benefits. Not only did it help with eye-hand coordination, analyzing shapes, and planning ahead, it also helped keep Evil Spock from getting chlamydia, since Evil Spock wasn't getting laid while playing Tetris.

Evil Spock just found out that Tetris had another application. In Japan, they have a kickass game show that is basically human Tetris. A shape comes up, and they have to contort their body to fit through said shape, or else they get the "Not Clear" sign and lose. Hilarity usually ensues if the fail. Of course Evil Spock has a video of said kickass game show:

Ninja Warrior, dancing Stormtroopers, and now this. Japan frikkin' rocks.

Evil Spock out!

These aren't the fascists you're looking for . . .

2007-07-06T11:15:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock is suffering from fatigue right now. Hence why Evil Spock took an extended sabbatical as ordered by Evil Spock's chief scientician last week. That was the longest time Evil Spock had spent away from The Few, and Evil Spock apologizes. Evil Spock had hoped one of Evil Spock's close allies would have seen this as a cry for help, and purchased an iPhone to help console Evil Spock. Alas this didn't happen, because Evil Spock has crappy friends.

During Evil Spock's time off, Evil Spock spent a lot of time watching Ninja Warrior and HBO. By the way, Flight of the Conchords is Evil Spock's new favorite show. The Few needs to see this program; its the funniest show ever.

In addition to faux folk/pop duos, Evil Spock spent a lot of time watching documentaries on fascism. For documentaries, Evil Spock was amazed at the special effects, but the acting seemed a little stilted. Regardless, all the characteristics of fascism were still there. Violation of human rights, Jedi being made into scapegoats, strong sense of nationalism, male-dominated government, controlled mass media, building of a Death Star, fear used as a motivational tool, the Senate and the Sith becoming intertwined, rampant cronyism, corporate powers having a heavy influence on government affairs, elimination of the Jedi, enforcement by a clone army, and fraudulent elections.

As The Few can see, the parallels between this galaxy from far, far away and our own world are quite apparent. Another thing Evil Spock noticed, is that no matter the solar system, fascists like to dance a whole lot. Evil Spock guesses the erosion of Evil Spock's civil liberties are a little bit more palatable when its set to music and some fancy footwork. Evil Spock needs to look into the archives and find Evil Spock's favorite dancing authoritarian.

No, not that fascist schmuck. . .

No, not that douchebag either . . .

Here's my dancing fascist! (Tip o' the hat to the Pineapple Report!)

Earth, Wind, and Fire rules! This video amused Evil Spock to no end. This was the panacea Evil Spock needs to get through the work day. Evil Spock especially liked it when the crowd crossing the street spontaneously started dancing with the Stormtrooper. If all fascists could dance as well as this guy, perhaps all the crap they've been shoveling us wouldn't stink up the joint so bad.

Nah, it would still suck.

Evil Spock wishes HBO would stop showing the prequels, and give Evil Spock the original trilogy Evil Spock grew up with. As The Few can see, Clone Troopers would so get served by their future Stormtrooper selves. Long live the Galactic Empire!

Evil Spock out!

Blog Against Theocracy: One Nation Under Evil Spock

2007-07-04T12:38:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock is an agnostic. The only reason Evil Spock isn't an atheist, is because Evil Spock needs an insurance plan just in case Evil Spock's immortality scheme backfires, and Evil Spock finds Evil Spock's self as worm food in the deep, dark earth.

For the most part, Evil Spock despises religion in almost all its forms. Not only does it take your attention away from Evil Spock's blog on Sunday mornings (Saturdays for Evil Spock's Hebrew friends), but the way people try to share their beliefs frustrates Evil Spock. Evil Spock would rather watch home movies of your trips to Delaware, than to hear you prattle about the Rapture and what not.

And its not just evangelicals who get on Evil Spock's nerves. Evil Spock hates celebrity religions with their Scientology nonsense and their Kabbalah baubles. Can't stand Unitarians with their non-denominational songs about inclusiveness. Their services feel like campfires without marshmallows and making out. And Evil Spock hates people who call themselves "spiritual". What spiritual means to Evil Spock, is that you're too lazy to go church and you hate the NFL. Why can't spiritual people just say you have better things to do?!?

Evil Spock realizes that religion is important other than a ticket to heaven. Religion is a good way to control the proletariat. Its a proven practice since the Middle Ages: promising people eternal salvation for back-breaking labor and undying allegiance. Without ancient books telling people what to do, the proles would have to think for themselves, and The Few might be subject to more NASCAR and American Idol crap than what is already out there.

Its too bad that Bizarro Bush and his cronies haven't use their theocratic powers wisely. Wasting time debunking evolution and heliocentrism isn't going to get the more educated worker bees on board. But what can you expect? The current administration can't handle their earthly duties, so how can they be expected to manage things of a metaphysical nature? Can Bizarro Bush even spell metaphysical?

Evil Spock can spell metaphysical, and Evil Spock plans on being a uniter in 2012. When Evil Spock ascends to the throne of president, Evil Spock will unite all religions under the Evil Spock banner, and create a bigger and better theocracy than the one The Few is experiencing now.

Under this new regime, Evil Spock will take the best out of all the religions, and create a super-religion. One that everyone can relate too. Since Evil Spock will have a direct line to Jesus/Buddha/Vishnu, the new state-run belief system will be all-encompassing, so as not to leave anyone out. If Evil Spock does leave anybody out, they can move to Canada and live like heathens.

Here are some of the highlights of Evil Spockism:

1. No more having to go to church! All followers of Evil Spock will have shiny altars in their homes, with Evil Spock's graven image cast in some sort of precious metal. That way you can worship at home any day of the week at your leisure. All churches will be converted into Evil Spock re-education centers, replete with daycares and coffee bars.

2. Everyone gets into heaven! Unless, you break one of Evil Spock's commandments, which will be made up as this 2012 campaign goes into full swing. There will be different degrees of heaven though, and you can buy into prime holy real estate by paying a holy tax to Evil Spock's government. This tax will help fund various Evil Spock projects like a jacuzzi in the Oval Office.

3. All religious text will be provided to you via the interweb. Actually, you can take The Needs of the Few as the new book of Genesis. The new dawn of time is now August 11, 2006.

4. All sciences and philosophies will have the disclaimer: "Evil Spock did it." For example, if you're having trouble grasping evolution, just remember, Evil Spock did it. You still have all the fun of science, but in the end, Evil Spock did it. Why does your car start? Because of Evil Spock. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Evil Spock came first and brought the chicken. Why did grandma die? Because Evil Spock ran her over this morning with the riding lawnmower. This should end all frivolous discussions, and allow people to build bigger and better home altars to Evil Spock.

5. Evil Spock promises 72 virgins to each and every citizen in Evil Spock's empire. There's a picture of one of them on the right. You can have 72 males or 72 females, or a mixture if you're so inclined. Unfortunately, they all pretty much look like that guy. You can sleep with them, have them debug your computer, or play Dungeons and Dragons. Evil Spock doesn't care.

As you can see, the new Evil Spock-ocracy is a more exciting and efficient state-based religion for 2012. Evil Spock hates to see the current theocracy peter our into nothingness, but all things come to an end. Evil Spock hopes 2008's candidate doesn't mess up things further before Evil Spock can become POTUS in 5 years.

Evil Spock out!

Revenge of Shinobi

2007-07-02T10:26:00.000-04:00

As a young spockling, Evil Spock would sometimes be able to evade the eunuchs and nursemaids. Evil Spock would then scale the walls of the forbidden city, and venture into the outside world. Many times, Evil Spock would do this to hang out with Evil Spock's neighbor.

Not having many friends, Evil Spock couldn't be too choosy with who Evil Spock consorted with. This neighbor was a boy about two years older than Evil Spock, much bigger, and had the demeanor of Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons. The neighbor boy would have Evil Spock over to play various games, which include shooting Evil Spock with a pellet gun and dissecting Evil Spock's pet frog without Evil Spock knowing. Another "favorite" activity was playing "ninja".

For those not in the know, ninjas (or shinobi) are Japanese assassins that specialized in stealth, sabotage, and espionage. They also sometimes come in turtle form. Evil Spock believes Cheney's fourth branch of government is run by ninjas. Ninjas have cool weapons like the katana (sword), smoke bombs, and throwing stars. Plus they wear all black costumes which aren't only stylish and belongs in every assassin's wardrobe, but they are also really slimming, especially for chubby little spocklings.

You would think playing ninja would be fun, since they kick pirate and cowboy ass any day of the week. This was far from the case. The neighbor's version of ninja consisted of going over to the neighbor boy's garage, turning off the lights, and beating the shit out of Evil Spock by an array of homemade nunchucks, billy clubs, and bo staffs made from broken broom handles. At least the weapons felt authentic. Evil Spock believes the neighbor grew up and became a cop.

Back then, Evil Spock didn't know why Evil Spock was beaten senseless, but no limbs were broken, heart failure never happened, and Evil Spock still retains full cognitive capabilities. What doesn't kill Evil Spock, only makes Evil Spock stronger. Perhaps the neighbor boy was administering the beatings to prepare Evil Spock against Communist ninjas invading America, like they invaded Italy.

If by invasion you mean one shinobi named Igor Vaclavic, 31, a former soldier from Russia. Apparently, Mr. Vaclavic dressed up as a ninja and terrorized farmers in northern Italy. He carried a bow and arrow and demanded money, or the farmers would receive painful ninja death. Evil Spock was ready to fly to Italy and battle Igor for ninja supremacy inside of a volcano or something, but he was defeated earlier this month by some elderly farmers.

Having Evil Spock's ninja blood boiling at this point, Evil Spock had no idea how to release Evil Spock's ninja rage. But during Evil Spock's sabbatical this past week, Evil Spock witnessed a magnificent show by the name of Ninja Warrior on the G4 network.

Ninja Warrior, or Sasuke as its known in Japan, is a sports entertainment game show. People from around the world which include Olympic athletes, wrestlers, and pro fighters test their mettle in Sasuke's tough obstacle courses. Evil Spock was entranced by the show, and spent a couple of hours watching it. Enjoy the clip of the program below.

Japanese game shows kick so much ass. They are way better than American game shows where adults get bested by 4th graders, or the one where they choose random brief cases. That last one has to be the most idiotic thing in the world.

Evil Spock will continue to train in the ways of the ninja, i.e. getting beaten with broom handles, until Evil Spock has earned enough money to travel to Japan to participate in Sasuke. Then Evil Spock will know the true ninja path, which can only help in Evil Spock's future endeavors.

Ninja Spock out!

The Collective: A quick suggestion or two 2.0

2007-06-26T00:17:00.000-04:00

Collective here. A few of you with good memories may remember that some time ago we wrote a post that mentioned the Creation "Museum" and our opinions of it (having never visited). Well, some folks over at scienceblogs.com visited and posted their impressions along with some pics. It is worth checking out for those who would like some follow-up info.

Also, all of you youtubers out there do yourselves a favor and find a clip of “Billy Joe Jive”. If you’re old like us then you will be reminded of truly great piece of your childhood. If you’re too young to remember this then it will be a nice, new treat. Be on the lookout for a “Shaft” poster on the wall in the lost keys episode. It is truly amazing that this was on Sesame Street. They could never pull this off on a children’s show today. Gotta love the 70s.

Now back to Sophie.

The Collective has spoken.

The Needs of the Sophie: Because The Few demanded it . . .

2007-06-24T13:23:00.000-04:00

Hello all! Thank you for noticing that my profile was missing from "Hang those who talk of less." I'm not too upset, but only because I'm not officially an Author of Evil. This way I can be denied things like health insurance and a 401k. Thats what pisses me off. Since I was "snubbed", I've added my profile to end of today's recipe and a song. Its an all-feline friendly post today!

Today we'll be listening to Cat-A-Tac, an indie rock band from Denver, Co. Evil Spock saw them during his reality tour back in December. The band is reminiscent to the music Evil Spock used to listen to when he was in college. So lets go into the Way-Back Machine and visit a time when flannels and pony tails were prevalent on campuses all over the place.

The song for today is "Devil", from their album Cat-A-Tac. À propos for an "evil" blog, eh? Go visit their website and buy their album!

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In honor of me, I'm posting a recipe that contains tuna. We'll be making Giada De Laurentiis's Tuna and Green Bean Salad. Its a light summery salad that can utilizes a lot of ingredients you can find at local farmers' markets this time of year. That is unless you live in Siberia and subside on a diet of beets.

1 1/2 pounds slender green beans, trimmed, halved crosswise
3 teaspoons salt, plus more to taste
2 large red potatoes, diced
1/3 cup freshly squeezed lemon juice
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
1/3 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1 teaspoon dried oregano
3/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
8 ounces grape tomatoes, halved
1/2 cup chopped fresh basil leaves
1/4 cup chopped fresh Italian parsley leaves
9 ounces canned tuna packed in oil, drained

Cook the green beans in a large pot of boiling water until crisp-tender, stirring occasionally, about 4 minutes. Using a mesh strainer, transfer the green beans to a large bowl of ice water to cool completely. Drain the green beans and pat dry with a towel. Add 2 teaspoons of salt to the same cooking liquid and bring the liquid to a simmer. Add the potatoes to the simmering liquid and cook until they are just tender but still hold their shape, about 8 to 10 minutes. Transfer the potatoes to the ice water to cool completely. Drain the potatoes and pat dry with a towel.

In a small bowl, whisk the lemon juice, garlic, oil, oregano, 1 teaspoon salt and 3/4 teaspoon pepper. Place the tomatoes, basil and parsley in a large serving bowl. Add the tuna and toss gently to combine. Add the green beans and potatoes and gently combine. Pour the dressing over the salad and toss to coat.

Tuna!

And because The Few demanded it, here's my profile:

Sophie

Evil Spock's Fave Blog Article: A very special episode

Can also be Found Writing at: Occasional guest columnist for the New Yorker.

Age: Almost 8 years old.

Day Job: Lounging around, keeping America safe from terrorists.

Home Town: Bloomington, IN.

Height: Two apples tall.

Weight: Definitely more than two apples.

Hobbies: Sleeping, researching the cure for cancer, gambling.

Heroes: Simba, Han Solo, Batman, Al Gore

Turn-ons: When I had genitalia, anything breathing.

Turn-offs: Not having genitalia, Feline cystitis.

About Me: I'm just your typical erudite, handsome feline, trying to make his way in the world. When Evil Spock rises to POTUS, he says he'll make me ambassador to Andorra, which I am looking forward to.

Not-so-evil Sophie out!

Thrillho and Endless Summers

2007-06-22T15:20:00.000-04:00

Evil Spock loves summer time. The season is conducive for so many things Evil Spock likes to do. Activities like cycling, road trips, and the subjugation of the dolphin species for Evil Spock's undersea army are a total blast this time of year. Plus cycling and working with dolphins during Indiana winters is absolutely no fun whatsoever.

Evil Spock's love affair with the summer months weren't always so. As a child Evil Spock's summer breaks were not full of kite flying, hop scotch, and swimming in local watering holes like they are now. Summer just meant homeschooling and piano practice for Evil Spock. Evil Spock's parents wanted to make sure Evil Spock was primed for the following school year, so that Evil Spock could give drubbings to Evil Spock's peers in various spelling, geography, and art history bees.

Aw geez, Evil Spock just realized that Evil Spock's life parallels Milhouse Van Houten.

At the very least, Evil Spock and Milhouse will be able to pass high school exams and someday marry, unlike this poor unfortunate soul in India. Apparently, Shiv Charan Yadav has taken the high school exam 38 times, and has failed each and every one. The test is normally given to schoolchildren at the age of 15, but Mr. Yadav took the test for the first time in 1969, when he was in his thirties. This year, he scored a whopping 103 out of a possible 600.

Mr. Yadav had this to say: "Once I pass I want to get married to a girl who's under 30." Perhaps #39 will be the magic number, and Mr. Yadav will finally be the grand prize for some lucky twenty-something. Evil Spock is sure that ladies are on the edge of their seats waiting for this winner.

Evil Spock can understand why Mr. Yadav probably blew off the schoolbooks during the summer months in India. Who wouldn't? For one, who can study when you have summer heatwaves that traditionally kill hundreds of people every year in India? Plus, there are distracting activities like watching lawyers beat people up on television, or "Chase-the-Monster" tours looking for the elusive "Mande Burung", the cousin of Big Foot and the Yeti. If watching lawyers kick ass isn't your thing, or you tire of looking for cryptozoological monstrosities, you can always knock back a few with plague-carrying rats.

It seems rats are gnawing at beer cans and making holes in caps of whisky bottles stored in police storehouses. The rats are than getting extremely intoxicated and are attacking people near the police buildings, nibbling at their toes. Isn't India grand?

Okay, enough with the Asian-Indian scare-tactics. Evil Spock has promised to be more fair and balanced with India, so Evil Spock will now present something pleasant about the country. Let Evil Spock introduce you to Mindy Kaling, she's a writer, producer, and actress on the hit show The Office. On the sitcom, she plays the always funny Indian valley girl Kelly Kapoor. Here's a clip:

If Kelly Kapoor can't get you to visit India and get drunk with rats, nothing will. For those who are looking for an alternative summer actitvity other than trips to India, Lt. Moreau has this to offer:

When I was a wee lass, my calendar year revolved around 2 central highlights: my birthday and summer. Mostly summer. Just thinking about the lazy days of playing outside with friends, uninterrupted by trivial schoolwork, brought a glow to my youthful cheeks. Aaaah: popsicles, grass stains, the smell of chlorine….

As an adult, however, summer means nothing to me. My days of corporate slavery stretch before me, all blending into a seasonless, drab, swimming pool-devoid existence. I get no time off. My boss sneers at the mere concept of “vacation.”

Which is why I have been desperately looking forward to the “Endless Summer Party,” the latest Late Night Seating event brought to us by the Actors Theatre of Louisville. Even the description makes me want to find my flip-flops: “An electric outdoor summer party mixing new work by local artists in music, visual art, and performance.” I’m particularly looking forward to seeing exactly what a “kinetic sculpture” is, and I’m excited about the improv from The Indicators.

I hope the rest of you are enjoying your summers – unless, of course, you are all corporate drudges as well, in which case you should all attend the Endless Summer Party as well. But for those of you who can’t, I will report back accordingly!

Lt. Moreau signing off!

Godspeed Lieutenant. Evil Spock hopes the show is bubonic plague free. The performance is tonight, June 22nd at 10:30PM. For those in the Louisville, KY area, and are interested in attending please visit their website or call (502) 584-1205 for ticket information.

Evil Spock out!

Medusan-in-a-box: Evil Spock may be bad, but these bad Spock drawings may be Evil!

2007-06-20T00:00:00.000-04:00

Whenever I do my celebrity roundup I try my best to leave my friends out of it. I don't normally report gossip about people I care about. When I do it's just to report the craziness that is K-Fed/Brittney babymama-babydaddy drama.

For instance in celebrity news, Britney Spears wants us to name her new album after Lindsey Lohan's recent rehab troubles. Britney wants to call her new album "OMG is like Lindsey Lohan OK?" In addition, the tabloids are reporting that Britney likes to wear pink panties and show off her nipples.

Though I doubt she uses those nipples like Maggie Gyllenhaal. You see, humans still feed their younglings with secretions from their bodies! How primitive! Medusans let their children run wild; survival of the fittest and all. Maggie lets milk drain out of her nipples and then she forces her infants to drink the liquid from them. I find that both shocking and disturbing. I'm sure you do too!

But that's not half as shocking as a report that Kevin Federline Fed-Exed another "deposit" into his ex-wife, Shar Jackson. Thank god that Baby report turned out to be untrue. I am still holding out, I think there is still a good chance that Britney and K-Fed will get back together!

All that reporting suggests there is a lot going on in the celebrity world, point of fact, I have yet to even mention that Paris Hilton is in jail. But I can't just stick to celebrities, I have to tell "The Few" about a wonderful blog that I came across, The Very Bad Drawings of Spock. One of the little masterpieces includes a very badly done Evil Spock.

If Evil Spock wants to maintain his chance at the Presidency of 2012 then he should consider getting all the journalists slash bloggers in the world to agree to print only nice things about him. Just like Angelina Jolie did. Angelina is the most wonderful actress in the world with long and creepy arm bones.

I am so happy that such a freakishly long arm boned girl could make a name for herself. And I hope she gets back together with her dad actor Jon Voight. At minimum I sure hope Mr. Voight is not still driving that crappy convertible featured in a memorable Seinfeld episode.

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Well, that is This Week in the Celebrity Round Up! Medusan in-a- Box awaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Don't forget to send news, celebrity gossip or any questions you might have about my reporting to askmedusan@gmail.com

Hang those who talk of less.

2007-06-18T10:46:00.000-04:00

The Needs of the Few recently surpassed 50,000 hits this past weekend. Evil Spock has come a long way since Sept. 13th, 2006: the date when Evil Spock first installed the Stat Counter on Evil Spock's blog. That day we registered a whopping 9 visitors. Evil Spock would like to thank those 9 people, and if you're still around, Evil Spock appreciates your support!

Many may say Evil Spock has been whoring Evil Spock's self to the masses, and caring more about quantity than quality. Bah! More friends! More allies! More, Evil Spock says. Hang those who talk of less. Evil Spock loves the blog and its lifestyle accouterments. Evil Spock's plans have come to fruition. Soon Evil Spock will be queen of blogdom. Er, king. King!

Evil Spock knows Evil Spock hasn't done this all by Evil Spock's lonesome. Evil Spock would like to thank the Authors of Evil for their hard work, and allow them a minute to talk about themselves. Hopefully this will dispel the myth that Evil Spock blogs under six different pseudonyms (seven if you count Sophie.)

Enjoy their prattling, Evil Spock will see you at the end.

The Collective

Evil Spock's Fave Blog Article: Our Campaign Promise To You: We Will End American Stupidity by 2012

Can also be Found Writing at: In the basement working on manifesto.

Age: Tough to say. We've always been here and probably always will.

Day Job: Food Taster for Royalty and Dictators

Home Town: Wherever Evil Spock said he was from.

Height: Tall enough to ride all of the rides at DisneyWorld

Weight: Fatter than you

Hobbies: Collectivizing things, flower arranging, casual drug use

Heroes: Leon Trotsky, Del tha Funkee Homosapien, Noam Chomsky, Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, Ian Mackaye, Tammy Faye Bakker, Todd Bridges

Turn-ons: Fast Cars, Fast Women

Turn-offs: Slow Cars, Slow Women, The letter "Q"

About Me: We first met our future employer, Evil Spock, while picking on him in gym class sometime during freshman year of high school. We think it had something to do with his lack of proficiency at volleyball. We soon realized that he could be a useful pawn in our march towards world domination. We dangled our friendship in front of him like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule hoping one day he would become useful. Well that one day was some day last fall when he told us of his plans for a blog to air all of his gripes about getting his money taken by vending machines and recommendations for skin care products. With some amount of Jedi mind tricking we convinced him to use his blog to begin a presidential campaign with us as a running mate. After victory, we will slowly wrest control from him and prop him up as the powerless face behind our government. We'll toss him a comic book store or something for his trouble after all is said and done.

Lt. Marlena Moreau

Evil Spock's Fave Blog Article: Dela-where?

Can also be Found Writing at: The Doctor Is In!

Age: Perennially 29

Day Job: Professional meeting attendee and office supply collector.

Home Town: Dayton, OH

Height: “Leggy”

Weight: As they say, one can never be too rich or too thin.

Hobbies: Reading, gadding about town, eavesdropping, the domestic arts, and rehearsing what I will say when I meet Sean Connery. The latter takes up more time than most people realize.

Turn-ons: Money, literature, wit, gin, kitsch

Turn-offs: Vanity, raisins, rudeness, babies

About Me: I was born into a small, wealthy family, where my parents compensated for a lack of affection with material possessions. I soon became a wayward girl, running with the wrong crowd in the mean streets… which is how I met Evil Spock. He helped me see my true potential, and encouraged me to use my gifts to better humanity. I pretty much blew off most of that last part, opting instead to just use my gifts to try to get ahead in life. And by “ahead in life,” I mean a ridiculously large California manse, complete with a large pool (which necessitates a pool boy, of course), and a lawn maze. My dreams also include lots of household help, a set of shallow social acquaintances whom I pay to be my friends, and a stunningly garish fur coat.

Medusan-in-a-box

Evil Spock's Fave Blog Article: Oral Sex can kill, but not before it makes you happy!

Can also be Found Writing at: Bathos for the Misanthropic, The Karl Marx Blog, The Self Help Center

Age: Eternal

Day Job: Gossip beat reporter for Newsnet, the interplanetary news service.

Home Town: Medusaville.

Height: Gaseous dispersal of a 2 liter and a Mentos.

Weight: About the weight of a fart.

Hobbies: D&D

Heroes: Roger Stauback

Turn-ons: Jesus

Turn-offs: Superficiality, Reliance on looks.

About Me: I hardly ever get lost. I love Dr. Pepper. I have a totally hot earthling who carries me around in a special box. If you looked directly at me with out a Vulcan inner eye lid you'd go crazier bat dung than Lindsey Lohan. Yes, I know Paris Hilton, and yes she is as pretty in real life as she is on television!!!

Tootie the Übertribble

Evil Spock's Fave Blog Article: Operation Beautysuck

Can also be Found Writing at: stop looking at me!

Age: I have been in the prime of life from the moment I was born and will remain there until I die, thank you very much.

Day Job: Good grief, no. I'd never allow myself to take a job that could potentially distract me from my plans of world domination. Therefore I am completely against doing any kind of actual labour. This doesn’t mean that I’m against others working, although I’d prefer that they do it in some way that would benefit me.

Home Town: I try not to get too attached to places, because I tend to try my hand at burning them down sooner or later. Mostly by accident. For this reason, I don’t really think of any place as my home town. It would be a waste of time, anyway, since the whole world will be mine eventually. Not to worry, though – I’ll only torch 1/3 of it, at the very most.

Height: About the size of a small football.

Weight: much like a medium large potato. It’s not about quantity, but quality, you know.

Hobbies: I enjoy watching things burn when I’m not sucking people’s minds out of their heads and/or taking over their bodies. Biting always cheers me up when I’m irritated or frustrated. If I had arms, I’d quite enjoy throwing rocks and such at people. I also like imitating cats.

Heroes: Me, although that goes without saying. And everyone who reminds me of me, although they’ll always be secondary, of course.

Turn-ons: The sight of the gorgeous reflection of moi.

Turn-offs: Anything that doesn’t remind me of me. I abhor baby-talk. Once, when I was sitting on a flight of stairs, imitating a cat, some old man started speaking to me as if I was a retarded infant. I was forced to bite the tip of his nose off. This hurt me far more than it hurt him. After all, I didn’t know where it had been.

About Me: The fascinating life of moi. Well, sort of... Or... not really. I don't know why, but I seem to be getting a little psychotic lately... I might have to go to therapy, or something.

Ensign Redshirt

Evil Spock's Fave Blog Article: Ten AM

Can also be Found Writing at: BlogSchmog

Age: 19, but with gray hair and lots of worry lines

Day Job: 24th Century Canary, checking to see if the air in the Dilithium
Mines of Merak 9 is breathable. (Sadly, it isn't.)

Home Town: Red Shirt, South Dakota (although being a military family we moved around a lot: Hazard, Nebraska, Accident, Maryland, Breakneck, Connecticut, You-gonna-die-son Colony from Tau Ceti 6)

Height: 6' (standing), 3'4" (ducking)

Weight: 190 lbs, 449 lbs (on Deneb 13. or with a Klingon Gruglk Beast sitting on my back)

Hobbies: Running, Jumping, Screaming, Disintegrating, Having All Salt Sucked From My Body, Fantasy sports

Heroes: The Tick

Turn-ons: Everything not on the next list.

Turn-offs: Everything not on the previous list. And recursive loops.

About Me: I have always had a desire to command, right from the days when I organized the Tits For Tots strike at the Hazard Parents Day Out Daycare. I often volunteer to do the dirty work, to show my loyalty to a cause and keep project momentum. As a result, I graduated at the top of my Breakneck Community High School class (out of 492) and gave a moving valediction entitled, "The Me in You, the We in Us." Thanks to some connections through my military parents, I went to the Academy and took a liking to engineering. When offered an Engsignship on a Federation Starship, I leaped at the chance. The Captain told me I had to "work my way up," so I've been quick to volunteer for away missions. The competition for upper officer positions is pretty cutthroat, sometimes literally (I miss you, Bob), but I feel everyone who survives trips to strange planets will attest that it is all worth it in the end.

Evil Spock

Evil Spock's Fave Blog Article: A tie between My Racist Valentine and The Wrath of Khan!

Can also be Found Writing at: In the attic writing a counter-manifesto to The Collective.

Age: 32, but Evil Spock has been told he could play as young as 20.

Day Job: Evil Spock masquerades as a do-gooder during the day, so that Evil Spock can keep a low-profile. Sometimes Evil Spock dresses up as Clifford, The Big Red Dog, and spies on people doing their laundry.

Hometown: Wherever The Collective is from.

Height & Weight: Evil Spock is quite ordinary at 5'9" and 165 lbs. soaking wet, but when Evil Spock says the magic words "Inyuk-chuk," Evil Spock grows a hundred times larger, stronger and braver.

Hobbies: Biking, admiring Evil Spock's hair, arguing, haiku, putting tiny lasers on fish, comic books, planning world domination, bonsai, cooking. And Evil Spock is drunk the whole time while doing these things and then blogs about them later drunk.

Heroes: Dr. Doom, Megatron, Darth Vader from the original trilogy before they ruined him, Zach Braff, Stephen Colbert, Steve Carrell, Handy Smurf, Jack Kerouac, Lex Luthor, Evil Spock, Mr. Burns.

Turn-ons: Absolute Power. Oh, and knee socks.

Turn-offs: Creationism, American Idol.

About Me: Evil Spock's father was deemed a heretic when he told the others on the council that the planet was dying. Wanting to save his only son, he put baby Evil Spock on a rocket ship for Earth. Once Evil Spock arrived, Evil Spock was adopted by two kindly earthlings that raised Evil Spock as their own. One day, they were taking Evil Spock to the science museum for a visit, when Evil Spock was bitten by a radioactive gerbil, and received rodent like powers, which amounts to a decrease in normal human strength and the penchant to gnaw on things. Fast forward to the present: Evil Spock realizes with gerbil powers, come gerbil responsibilities, so Evil Spock has Evil Spock's eyes set on the White House, and soon the rest of the world. Kneel before Evil Spock!

Evil Spock hopes you've enjoyed reading about all the Authors of Evil. Evil Spock will be running a contest soon to invite another one of you lucky bloggers to join the unpaid staff at The Few. That way Evil Spock can get to 100,000 a lot quicker than it took to get to 50,000.

Evil Spock out!

The Needs of the Sophie: Happy Father's Day!

2007-06-17T12:00:00.000-04:00

Happy Father's Day everyone! Evil Spock is out celebrating the day, so I'm back to bring you a song and a recipe. Since Evil Spock considers all of The Few his beloved children, he was quite sad not to have received any well wishes on this auspicious day.

For the song today, I thought about posting some sort of Yusaf Islam ditty that Evil Spock tears up to whenever he hears it ("Father and Son"?) But I'm not going to be that cheesy. Instead we're going with a band that was introduce to me through a frenemy of Evil Spock's, Sideshow Bob over at It All Comes Back to The Simpsons.

The band representing today is Best Friends Forever out of the Minneapolis indie music scene. The group is composed of BFF's Briana Smith, Jessica Seamans, and Joe Rand. They've got a stripped down, primitive sound with a little poppiness that we really like around here.

Their song we'll be playing today is "Eisenhower is the Father of the Interstate Highway System". I find it much more palatable playing this indie pop goodness over some Cat Stevens and watching Evil Spock tear up, staring out in the distance, reminiscing about missed opportunities playing catch with Dad.

Bleh.

You can listen to the song below, or download the clip here. Support indie musicians and buy their album.

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We'll be making it a Mascarpone Lemon Cheesecake with an Amaretti Cookie Crust. The recipe is an amalgamation of several cheesecake recipes that Evil Spock experimented with, and this is the final result. Between prep time, baking, and time for it to set, its going to take about 9 hours. I would make this the night before you want to serve it, and let it sit in the fridge over night.

Good luck!

Special Equipment: 9" Spring-Form Pan

Crust:

About 50 Amaretti cookies
Stick of melted butter and some extra for brushing the pan
1 tablespoon sugar

Filling ingredients:

20 ounces of cream cheese at room temperature
8 oz of mascarpone cheese
3/4 cups of sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
lemon zest of one lemon (more if you prefer)
juice of half a lemon
2 eggs
3 yolks
1/3 cup heavy cream
1/4 teaspoon of salt

Preheat oven to 300 degrees F. Brush some of the melted butter inside the spring form pan. Adhere parchment paper to the bottom. And then take some aluminum foil and have it cover the outside bottom and sides.

In a food processor, roughly crush Amaretti cookies, and then transfer them to a bowl. Combine cookies, the remaining melted butter, and 1 tablespoon of sugar. Press the mixture into the bottom and the sides of the pan. Bake for 10 mins. or until brown. Cool.

In another bowl, beat cream cheese for 30 seconds on low. Add the mascarpone, sugar, lemon zest, and lemon juice and mix on low for 30 seconds and then turn up to medium. Scrape the bowl.

In a separate container, combine vanilla, eggs, yolks, salt, and heavy cream. With the mixer on medium, slowly pour the liquid mixture in. When half of it is incorporated, stop and scrape. Continue adding the mixture until the rest of the ingredients are incorporated. Once completely combined, pour into the cooled crust.

Lower oven temperature to 250 degrees F. Place cheesecake into a preheated water bath, in the oven for 1 hour and 15 mins. Turn the oven off and open the door for one minute. Close the door for one more hour and 15 mins. Remove the cheesecake from the water bath and place in the refrigerator for 6 hours to completely cool before serving.

When ready to serve, place the entire cake pan into a hot water bath for about 15 seconds. Invert on a dish, and then do the same onto serving dish.

To slice, run your knife under hot water and wipe dry each time you make a pass through the cake.

I served it with the Mixed Berry Coulis that I used for the Chocolate Torte Recipe.

Mm . . . Cheesecake . . .

Not-so-evil Sophie wishing everyone a Happy Father's Day!

Tootie the Über-tribble: My Mr. Paul

2007-06-16T10:51:00.000-04:00

It’s been uncommonly warm around here in the past few days, and although I’m much more resilient than your average tribble – me being the Übertribble and all – the heat started getting to me. After spending the better part of an hour completely convinced that I was being watched by a flying cow which held itself in the air with the help of its propeller-udders, it occurred to me that I might have been out in the sun for too long.

Something had to be done.

I pondered the problem for a while before I decided that shaving off some of my fur might be an acceptable solution. So I sent my manservant downtown to pick up a razor and some shaving cream. The kind that smells like berries of the forest. The idiot brought back a brand which stank of roses, and I had to punish him, but that’s another story. While he lay on the floor recovering from his reprimand, I leafed through a few books and magazines in search of the perfect hairdo. Eventually I decided that I wanted the same cut as Bobo, the Chinese crested in ‘Your pet and you’. That style would look as good on me as on any dog, I figured. Better, even.

So my manservant started to rub me down with shaving cream. A quite enjoyable experience, I might add. Not just because of the massage, but I also snapped at his fingers ever so often to amuse myself. Biting is somewhat of a hobby of mine.

Once I was all creamed up, the shaving began. My servant did pretty well, for an idiot. I looked very stylish. At first. Then these little itchy, red spots started to occur all over. I thought I’d caught flagrot, the horrible disease that killed my uncle Bertdom on my mother’s side. Nobody liked Bertdom. He was the sort of guy who took way too much pleasure in talking about his skin condition and his faulty plumbing. His illness seemed unpleasant, indeed and he never felt to describe how it felt. I dreaded the “swirly, sucking sensation of twitching unpleasantness” which would now surely spread through my body.

And then my manservant explained what it was. That the shaving caused such things sometimes. At the very same moment, he went ghostly pale, realizing that this was all his fault and that he would have to be punished again.

If you happen to wander through the town where I live, and see a shortish, skinny looking man with no body hair, wearing nothing but pink leggings and a large diaper, that’s Mr. Paul, my manservant.

Gotta go. Über-tribble powers activate!

The Last Emperor

2007-06-14T03:47:00.000-04:00

With the upcoming presidential election in 2012, Evil Spock is getting excited about ascending to the White House. As you can see above (thanks Dr. Zaius), Evil Spock's mother and eunuchs have invested a lot time and money grooming Evil Spock for the title Supreme Dictator of the United States of America.

Ever since Evil Spock announced Evil Spock's candidacy back in February, Evil Spock has witnessed some positive momentum towards 2012. "The Needs of the Few" is averaging a good amount of viewers per day, a loyal and rabid audience regularly comment, and Evil Spock's Technorati Authority has gone up a few points.

Unfortunately, that isn't enough. The Few need to work on making Evil Spock more famous. There are a number of you out there extolling Evil Spock's greatness to the masses, and Evil Spock appreciates this. But there are fans, and then there are Superfans. Evil Spock has some suggestions on how The Few can be better zealots, and inspire others with Evil Spock's message of egg-covered transvestite panda pornography.

1. You can start a chain e-mail! Here's one Evil Spock modified from MoveOn.org. Feel free to cut and paste, Evil Spock did!

Subject: Join me in becoming an acolyte for Evil Spock!

I hope you'll join me and millions of others in the most exciting grassroots movement on the Internet: Evil Spock's Presidential Run for 2012.

Evil Spock gives people a voice in shaping the laws & policies that affect our lives. You can read on timely issues like responding to weaponized insects, sexbot industry, and campaign finance reform, or you can just sign up to receive email alerts, all for free.

One of the best things about Evil Spock, is that each of us can help decide what issues Evil Spock stands for, using the unique comment sections. Everyone can post suggestions, and everyone can rate all the other suggestions. Those that please Evil Spock the most can become the focus of The Few's action campaigns.

It's a promising idea: choose our priorities collectively, then act on them collectively. The Few's founder, Evil Spock, calls it "magic interweb thingee".

I hope you'll join us today at: http://theneedsofthefew.blogspot.com

We can all take part in choosing and creating our future shaped by Evil Spock. Thank you!

Please send this to five of your friends and receive a great reward! If you don't, than you'll contract herpes.

2. You can canvass door-to-door! When Evil Spock switched sides to the Godzilla-empowered Dems, Evil Spock went canvassing for Democrats running for office. Its quite effective, and a good change of pace from being glued to the computer screen, anxiously awaiting Evil Spock's next exciting blog. Here's some old pamphlet covers Evil Spock had lying around that The Few can give to their neighbors:

Just scribble the chain e-mail to the back of them or something.

3. You can produce your own sexy video promoting Evil Spock's candidacy, just like the one Obama Girl did for Obama's 2008 campaign! Watch it below!

If you're going to go this route, please ask The Pipettes to perform Evil Spock's campaign song. They're the prettiest girls Evil Spock has ever met.

4. Last but not least, you can affix these cool campaign buttons to your blogs/websites! Just copy and paste the html code to your respective sites!

<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://theneedsofthefew.blogspot.com/"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px;" src="http://bp3.blogger.com/_4k2EisZQ_VU/RdfxW7GHIVI/AAAAAAAAAbg/ME9ydhA2tU8/s320/esth2012.gif" alt="" border="0" />

<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://theneedsofthefew.blogspot.com"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://bp1.blogger.com/_4k2EisZQ_VU/RnLEqZ8gUYI/AAAAAAAAA4k/vynbf6HSrEU/s320/supportus.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5076335962798182786" border="0" />

<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://theneedsofthefew.blogspot.com"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://bp2.blogger.com/_4k2EisZQ_VU/RnLCtp8gUWI/AAAAAAAAA4U/xBfTWUA8gJo/s320/clipperswin.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5076333819609502050" border="0" />

<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://theneedsofthefew.blogspot.com"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://bp2.blogger.com/_4k2EisZQ_VU/RnLCtp8gUXI/AAAAAAAAA4c/V3whLD3uWVE/s320/gayfriendly.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5076333819609502066" border="0" />

UPDATE: Something a little less garish for the inconspicuous:

<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://theneedsofthefew.blogspot.com/"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://bp1.blogger.com/_4k2EisZQ_VU/RnLJCZ8gUaI/AAAAAAAAA40/pP7oBpEsTJE/s320/evilbutton.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5076340773161554338" border="0" />

Evil Spock has given you the tools to spread the gospel of Evil Spock. When Evil Spock becomes POTUS in 2012, Evil Spock will remember each and every one of The Few, and you'll be rewarded with ~~quick, painless deaths~~ treasures beyond your wildest dreams!

Evil Spock out!

The Owl and the Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

2007-06-12T02:00:00.000-04:00

As some of The Few may have noticed, Evil Spock has placed a Twitter box in the sidebar. Apparently Twitter has been all the rage on the interweb lately, so Evil Spock has decided to give the application a little spin.

According to their website, Twitter is "a global community of friends and strangers answering one simple question: What are you doing?" To answer said question, you can type 140 characters or less on the website, a phone, or from an instant messaging service. Basically you can inform people on the mundane things in your life, like brushing your teeth, what you had for lunch, or how many people you might have killed.

Evil Spock knows that The Few are excited about Evil Spock's flossing schedule and Evil Spock waiting in line at the grocery store, but Evil Spock will make it a little bit more interesting by "twittering" in only haiku. Inspired by Evil Spock's frenemy, Mad Haiku, Evil Spock will throughout the day leave haiku messages in the twitter box. Evil Spock can feel The Few quivering in anticipation.

Perhaps society will recognize what Evil Spock has contributed to the poetry landscape through Twitter, and children will read Evil Spock's haiku alongside the likes of Edward Lear in their literature textbooks. Maybe someday, Evil Spock's poetry will transcend the classroom, and inspire whimsical restaurants like The Runcible Spoon.

The name "The Runcible Spoon", is taken from Edward Lear's poem, The Owl and the Pussycat. It is the one the oldest gourmet coffee roasters in the Midwest, and is one of Evil Spock's favorite places to get food in Bloomington, IN. Owned by Chef Matt O'Neill, the restaurant offers great food at reasonable prices and a charming waitstaff that provides excellent service.

Evil Spock loves to grab breakfast on a lazy weekend morning. Evil Spock's favorite dish is the Veggie Eggs Benedict. Evil Spock likes their French Toast too. Here's some pics of the food and the restaurant:

Clockwise from top-left: Cool counter, Bookshelves that will someday house compendiums of Evil Spock's poetry, Veggie Eggs Benedict (Evil Spock loves hollandaise sauce), and French Toast with Home Fries for the girlfriend.

Evil Spock realizes that Evil Spock tempts The Few with food you can only get in Bloomington, but all Evil Spock really wants to do is try to steer you away from the "convenience" of fast food and junk food. Eating at local restaurants are typically healthier, tastier, and they keep money within the local community.

If Evil Spock can't convince you to eat locally by showing The Few tasty victuals, Evil Spock isn't above scaring the beejesus out of you by telling you horror stories. For example, a customer was handed a cup of soda with blood dripping from it in a Hardee's from Florida. Or how about a Chicago Wendy's where inspectors found decomposing rodents in a rat trap? Evil Spock guesses there are worse things than dead rats, like getting bit by a live one at a McDonald's.

Nothing like getting bubonic plague with your kid's Happy Meal.

Eat locally! If not for the delicious food, than to prevent another outbreak of the Black Death.

Evil Spock out!

Ensign Redshirt: Vulcan population on the rise

2007-06-10T11:01:00.000-04:00

Since Ensign Redshirt became The Few's most prolific guest writer, Evil Spock decided to promote the young Ensign to a full-fledged Author of Evil. At the very least, this allows Evil Spock to attain greater glory on the back of Evil Spock's minions whilst doing nothing but a few quick edits, and at the most, Evil Spock has more allies to take a bullet or taste some delicious but poisonous foods before Evil Spock ingests it. One can never have too many martyrs. Plus its kind of fun trying to get the Ensign killed before he finishes transmitting.

I am happy to report, albeit prematurely, our initial success in creating more Vulcans. Scienticians worked tirelessly for the past year to develop the genomics to engineer more potential voters for Evil Spock. Since the political climate in the U.S. is making immigration difficult, our fearless leaders in the fight for some abortions and little flags decided co-opting existing genetic structures might produce a loophole in the electoral system.

Although not yet perfected—only 21.6% of experimental volunteers have achieved Vulcanness—the project was leaked to the press late this past week when one patient was treated by a civilian doctor, revealing his green blood to the world. A formal press conference was planned for August 5, when Evil Spock celebrates Kal-Rekk, the Vulcan holiday of atonement and silence. Since the le-matya is out of the sa'haf already, we may as well confirm our Vulcanization project.

Vulcan blood is copper-based, which makes it the color of a penny when in the veins and green when oxygenated. If Evil Spock were to get popped in the arm by a sibling, perhaps with a very hard pillow, his bruises would take on a green hue. Patient X (whose name is suppressed due to HIPPA) is a sulphur blend, but we have also experimented with chlorocruorin and vanadium chromagen compounds as a cost-effective substitute for copper. Most of our early testing has been on animals, such as fish and skinks, but the scienticians switched to humans to get PETA off our backs.

Back in October 2005, our wandering Patient X was found by Vancouver physicians asleep on his knees, leading to a potentially dangerous condition called compartment syndrome. Days earlier, he told scienticians he was only going to the bathroom and maybe get a drink of water, but instead walked out of the building and over 20 miles to a depot. There, Patient X caught a train and wound up in Canada before a conductor noticed the sleeping man. "We just thought he was very short," said Conductor X. "And very quiet."

Project Vulcan is part of a coordinated effort to change the world into one conducive to electing Evil Spock as supreme commander. Vulcans prefer higher temperatures than humans do, for instance. There are rumors that global warming is an outcome of advanced fossil-fuel-based transportation technology developed last century in our Detroit office. Increasing the Vulcan population on Earth beat out another idea, which involved dropping a gay bomb on Idaho, Texas and Utah and then strongly advocating same-sex marriage.

Gay-pocalypse now! Or later. If Idaho, Texas, and Utah don't change their ways, Evil Spock's Vespas of the Gay-pocalypse will drop that bomb once inaugurated.

Having stepped up the development cycle, scienticians are actively seeking participants in Project Vulcan. If interested in living long and prospering, please contact our offices through this blog to schedule a session with one of our biogeneticists.

Transmission . . . *bzzzzt!*

What character will drive Furries to The Needs of the Few?
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	Sponge Bob Square Pants
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Who should win the "What does Evil Spock mean to me?"
	Mark
	Jess
	Sideshow Bob
	Mauigirl
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